Am I being unfair on Dp (long term illness and support)

[GrumblyTum]

There is quite a lot to unpick here. I am the breadwinner and always have been. Dp lost his job in 2024 and has not found another but is working on a business with a friend of his at the same time as looking for other roles.

In the last 12 months I've suddenly become very unwell. Doctors aren't sure what it is but they are checking for MS, Parkinson's (it runs in my family) and other neurological conditions but I'm in the early stages of being checked. I have very unpredictable symptoms. One day I can be ok and the next day, very unwell.

I would love to give up work but I can't as I am the only one bringing in income.

Today I have a really important specialist meeting at a hospital 45 mins away. I can't drive at the moment as my eyesight has been affected by whatever this is but there is a train and bus solution however I've woken up having one of my bad spells. I am very very nauseous and don't think I will make it in a taxi without vomiting potentially. I just feel really uncomfortable.

I've asked Dp for a lift and he's said he has a meeting at 1 (video meeting) on his new business which makes it difficult. I said we could get there early and he could take it from the car but he doesn't want to. He's said the whole thing will take 3 hours (it probably will) and he doesn't have the time to spare.

Am I being unreasonable in hoping he would do it? If I can't work, we have to sell the house and move and it impacts everyone. I absolutely have to make this specialist appointment today and I just feel it's in everyone's interest that I get to it and he could rearrange as a one off emergency what he was doing today.

For reference, I've not asked for a lift to any other appointment though on occasion he has offered as long as it was after work.

i don’t think you are being unfair. He could easily give you a lift.

Also, when did he loose his job? When Is his new business likely to generate money? How much time (and money) is he spending on getting it up and running? You need to be careful that it hasn’t become a hobby, and perhaps he needs to focus on getting a paid job sooner. There’s been other threads whereby the dphas become a cocklodger in the guise of being self-employed/setting up a business etc. (what is the new business?)

Lost his job in September last year. He's living on his savings now. It's a software business - I think it has the potential to do well but at the moment, they aren't making enough to support fully all the people working in it.

You are absolutely not being unfair. This is a very important appointment. If your hospital is a anything like ours, if you miss it you will be waiting a while which is not ok in your situation. It wouldn't matter what he had on, he should be taking you.

He needs to reschedule the appointment.

Sounds like DP has never had to do what most of us working mums have had to do, which is make work fit around caring responsibilities. I've taken video calls in any manner of location, as have many of us I'm sure.

It's difficult if he's got a busy day today and doesn't have 3 hours to spare, but that's how these things go sometimes. He needs to step up. The mistake if anything was not agreeing with him when the appointment first came through that you'd need a lift, so he could plan the loss of time better. However, I think it's now time to say look I really need you to do this for me today. Being worried about vomiting in the taxi is just making the stress worse.

This partnership feels a bit one-sided.

No you're not being unfair. Your DP is being a dick. I've had a bloody awful year this year and my DH hasn't even had to be asked to help me get to hospital appointments. I'd bet my house on the meetings he's had to rearrange being a damn sight more important than your DP's meeting.

He needs to reschedule his meeting, or take it in the car.

Thanks all, that's made me feel a lot better. I absolutely hate being ill and would do anything to reverse whatever this is though it's very likely it's not something that can be!

What a selfish man.
You need to rethink supporting him.
I really hope you have a positive meeting.

Either you are in this partnerships together or you are not.

He’s in denial about your illness and is using this meeting as an excuse to avoid reality .
I think you need to start having some grown up conversations .

He should have postponed his meeting until later in the day or to rearrange it to another day and the fact he said no is very worrying.

Is he supportive in other ways while you are this ill? Does he shoulder most of the household chores and laundry, or the shopping and cooking? If he really has stepped up there then I would have a discussion about whether he's trying to put his fingers in his ears regarding your diagnosis as he is very worried. If he hasn't then maybe it's time to see if this relationship is too one-sided and needs to change/end.

But either way - it's not good.

He is being incredibly selfish, but like lots of men (not all I hasten to add), he thinks his job, even when not earning money, is the most important thing. He should be rearranging his day to allow him to, not only drive you, but support you through this difficult time. Is he selfish in other areas?

He should have found a way to take you . I have a couple of long term illnesses and my husband will always work things out so he can drive me to appointments, if only so I don’t have to worry about finding a parking space .

Stop supporting this man, until he starts supporting you.

Hope you get on ok at your appointment! Your DH needs to rearrange the meeting and step up - it's your health for goodness sake.

Not at all unreasonable. Your wellbeing is paying the bills and attending to it benefits the whole family. Your appointment must go ahead. His can wait. Very disappointing reaction from him though