Is my mum toxic?

[mistymountainz]

Without going into huge amounts of background information, 4 years ago I left a toxic job and found a wonderful job with a boss who has changed my life. Since then I've left my abusive husband, met a wonderful man and between my boss and new man they've fully supported me to embark on my own healing journey and it's led me to question my relationship with my mum,

I've always thought my relationship with my mum was good, but since my marriage breakdown I'm questioning our relationship more and more. She wasn't impressed I left my husband, despite how he treated me, because he was fairly wealthy and we had the 'perfect life' beautiful house, new car etc. and she cannot understand why I've walked away from that to live in a tiny semi and struggle by myself. She thinks I'm making my kids sacrifice too much, they haven't sacrificed anything, Infact, their lives are so much calmer and happier and we may not jet off twice a year on foreign holidays anymore but they've talked and laughed more about our cheap camping trips than any fancy holiday they've ever had!

Everyone thinks my mum is a wonderful, selfless person who dotes on her family, but there's always a hidden cost. A few things I'm questioning,

She insists on doing all school runs, but every other week she lets me down in some way for a last minute appointment/coffee trip/holiday, I've suggested she does 2/3 days a week to give herself more freedom but she won't have it, but I can't just leave work and pick them up last minute.. it causes me so much stress but she says it's a small price to pay for no childcare fees. I can't afford childcare fees, but I'd find a way. I feel like she does it on purpose, she doesn't work, she has all day to go to the GP, hairdresser, nail tech. But they always seem to be bang on 3pm every single time.

She's always trying to ruin the small moments I cherish with the kids, today I had a rare half day, so I told her I'd pick the kids up from school. So she said well I've got to do x y z so can you pick me up from town at 3. I said I can't do 3, I'm picking the kids up, I'll pick you up after, she said no, pick me up then go for the kids I said but I'll be late by the time I've parked and got to the gates, she said well I'll jump out and get them I said no mum, the point is, I want to do it so I'll pick you up after at 3.30. She went mental saying I'm selfish and it all has to revolve around me. She was having coffee in town with a friend, what's an extra 30 minutes, plus, she drives.. take your own car and drive back yourself?

Whenever I don't have the kids, which isn't often as their dad is unreliable she'll find a way to keep me hanging around to help her, oh you don't have the kids Friday, well I may need your help with this. I'll call you. Friday comes, I'll ask if she needs me. I'm not sure, I'm just waiting for this and this, I'll let you know later. She never lets me know and she rarely actually asks me to do the things she's asked me to do. But it's almost every time she knows I'm child free. It's like she just wants to know I'm available and can call me if she needs me.

I've tried to back off and be more independent but then she'll be calling and texting asking what's wrong, why am I cutting her out.

She's constantly sending me money, to pay this bill, to pay that bill. I'll send it back and say it's covered and she'll just return it and say you need all the help you can get. I never ask her for anything, she forces it on you but then if something doesn't go her way she'll use it against you. Well, I had to pay for your food shop last week. No you didn't, you turned up with groceries I didn't need. So then it's Oh well aren't you ungrateful.

I'm really struggling, I want my mum to be part of our lives and trying to maintain the relationship but I feel like I'm reaching the point of just cutting her out. I've spoken to my sister and stepdad and they just say well you know what she's like, she just wants to help. I've tried to talk to my mum but that's an absolute no go, anything she perceives as criticism makes her go from 0-100. She absolutely cannot listen to anyone else's perspective.

I've worked so hard at my independence, self worth and repairing from my abusive marriage but is this where it all stems from,

She sounds very controlling, OP. And you sound like you need a break from her at the very least - you do seem to spend a lot of time together.

Why don't you try tackling one issue at a time, starting with the pick ups and drop offs. You are in control of your schedule so be firm with the change and follow through.

It sounds to me that she is using what she does for you as leverage . Why she does this is anyone’s guess, but she seems to like you to be in her debt and she likes to call the shots. Quite honestly I wouldn’t be using her as childcare. Is there anything else you can do at all? As a friend to help in return for something else? I just wouldn’t want to be in her debt or ask her for anything. It sounds like a really tough situation.

My mum has some of this— she'll insist on paying this or that even when it's not necessary or convenient, and is always bringing things you don't actually want. I realised that for her it was about managing her own fears of abandonment, wanting to feel needed.

I think not being able to have an honest conversation is the hardest part with someone like this. In your situation I would try and hold firm on some boundaries. Like on your days off, say you have other plans and you're not going to be hanging around.

I can't talk to her, she'd have none of it and it would all be twisted back to how selfish I am. I could work out the childcare somehow, some time in school clubs and there are other people who could help, but they won't help because of my mum. My Aunty used to help out but mum took over, my dad would do it once or twice a week but when he did before she 'accidentally' turned up at the same time as him so he said to just allow her to do it. The fall out from it would be huge, she'd be furious and it wouldn't just affect me, everyone would be pulled in to it.

When I was weeks away from my house completing she asked me to pull out and buy my stepdad out of the family home as she'd decided she wants to leave him and needed me to help because she couldn't do it alone. I said no and that I needed to prioritise myself and the children and build our new life and she couldn't understand why she couldn't be part of that she said she'd helped me by allowing me to stay so why couldn't I help her. I tried to explain that she'd offered me temporary help while I found my feet but what she was asking was that I become financially responsible for her and provide her a home, she has no means to financially support herself, she genuinely couldn't understand, she said it would be beneficial because she'd babysit all the time and I could come and go as I pleased whereas if I continue with my house sale I'd be trapped in the house alone every day because of the kids. She threw the mother of all tantrums when I stayed firm on my plans to buy my own house, she didn't speak to me for the 2 weeks until the sale went through and then the day it did I got home to find all our belongings boxed and ready to move, we'd discussed gradually moving stuff out over the course of a week to make it easier and so that when I took the kids it was all nice and ready for them not a big unorganised mess but nope she'd packed everything and I had to move in there and then. She didn't speak to me of come to the house for over a month.

'I've worked so hard at my independence, self worth and repairing from my abusive marriage but is this where it all stems from'

I think you're spot on there. I was in a violent, controlling relationship years ago and after I got out and started healing from it (slowly) I realized that my parents' controlling behaviour had primed me perfectly to end up in that kind of situation. So I had to have a very long hard think about how much I wanted them in my life

Your mother sounds extremely controlling and narcissistic. You say that you cannot discuss anything with her, and it sounds like you're spot on, so there's no hope of the relationship changing and getting better. In fact, she sounds like someone that you can't have a loving, nurturing relationship with. That hurts so much when it's your own parent.

It sounds like you do have other people in your life who would be willing to help you out, but they're all backing off at the moment to because of your mum and her domineering ways. That's something to think about - life could become a lot more pleasant and a lot lighter if she wasn't calling any of the shots anymore

Take control of your things and be non negotiable about it. So sort your own childcare, either yourself or clubs etc. If you need to juggle your hours, do that. Treat it like there is no one to help you with favours. If she was dead (sorry, but ‘imagine’) then who would do your pickups? You. You have your dad and aunt for actual emergencies eg unforeseen traffic, whatever.

“she didn't speak to me for the 2 weeks until the sale went through and then the day it did I got home to find all our belongings boxed and ready to move, we'd discussed gradually moving stuff out over the course of a week to make it easier and so that when I took the kids it was all nice and ready for them not a big unorganised mess but nope she'd packed everything and I had to move in there and then. She didn't speak to me of come to the house for over a month.” This…..to me this sounds perfect! It’s normal to move into a house where you’ve got no idea where the kettle and your toothbrush is, your children don’t need to move into a perfect home. No one else’s children do. And her not speaking to you for a number of weeks? Win/win surely?

”I can't talk to her, she'd have none of it and it would all be twisted back to how selfish I am” You don’t need to talk to her. Just say ‘oh by the way, I’ve got school drop offs and pick ups sorted from Monday, thanks for doing them up to now though. Did you see that new shop that just opened on the High Street?’

“She's constantly sending me money, to pay this bill, to pay that bill. I'll send it back and say it's covered and she'll just return it and say you need all the help you can get. I never ask her for anything, she forces it on you but then if something doesn't go her way she'll use it against you.” Stick it in a separate account and don’t use it. The minute she says something about having to help you, transfer it back to her. Make sure you have passwords etc, whatever you need to transfer it immediately.

“but there's always a hidden cost” which is your peace, sanity and ultimately your experience of mothering your own children.