The Ex - Advice Pls

[sweetlikeme]

Hi everyone, I could really use some advice or reassurance right now. I’ve been feeling insecure in my relationship lately, and I’m trying to make sense of it.

My partner and I have been together for two years, but his ex, who he was with for six years, seems to cast a long shadow over our relationship. When we first met, they’d been apart for 1.5 years after a toxic, on-and-off relationship that had finally ended. They were still in contact at the time, and he told me early on that meeting me had “saved him” because he might have gone back to her out of weakness if I hadn’t come into his life. Later, he admitted that he had reached out to her during the early days of us dating to "check on her"—he felt lingering guilt over their failed IVF attempts and wanted to support her as she planned to adopt a child solo, even writing a character reference for her. I couldn’t help but feel unsettled, like there might still be unresolved feelings there.

When I shared my discomfort with their ongoing contact, especially since she had expressed wanting to try again, he reassured me. He said he told her about me, that he didn’t want to jeopardise our relationship, and they wouldn’t have any more contact. And yet, two years later, she still comes up—not directly, but in conversation. He’ll talk about how stressful their relationship was, how much better things are with me, and how his family didn’t like her. Even at Christmas, she came up with his family and friends—comments like, “It’s so nice to see you with someone calm and happy, not like the last one,” and little jokes about “the last relationship.”

While I appreciate that he values what we have and recognises the difference, I can’t shake the feeling that her presence still looms over us. Even if he’s only speaking negatively about the relationship with her, it still feels like a connection of sorts. It’s hard not to wonder if/why she’s still on his mind after all this time, especially when I make a point of not talking about my own toxic ex because I know it wouldn’t sit well with him.

He’s a loving and supportive partner, and I trust him, but this situation is weighing on me. Am I overthinking things? Is this something that will naturally fade with time, or should I bring it up with him again? Any advice or perspective would be so appreciated. Thank you!

Personally I have never understood how anyone could want a relationship where certain subjects are just completely avoided or even taboo.
Of course the ex shouldn't come up every single day, and she certainly shouldn't be praised or compared to you in a positive way. But not speaking about a part of your life that had a deep impact on you, just because you've now started a new relationship... Make it make sense.
For me, a partnership means being each other's line of support, their shoulder to cry on. This inclused any and all past trauma. It would seem illogical to me that I would support my husband when he's sad over a certain event that happened to him in his past, but refusing to do so when it relates to his relationship prior to meeting me.

You can't just pretend that just because someone's broken up, that the connection those two people had never existed. Sometimes a break-up leaves only bad memories behind, but a lot of times there was also good. Those people loved each other for a reason at some point. Trying to erase that, while also wanting to be someone's partner, just wouldn't work for me.
You say that it also wouldn't sit well with your DP if you would talk about your ex. Why?

In my marriage, our exes still come up every now and then. My husbands ex stole a huge sum of money from him, leaving him in debt. Debt we are still paying off now. They broke up 8 years ago, I've been with him for 7. Last month we started renovating our bathroom and when going over the budget we will sometimes huff and say: well, with the money she stole we could have bought 3 bathrooms by now. Or while planning xmas this year and remeniscing about previous xmas dinners, someone might mention how awkward it was last time my ex was there, as we were about to break up.
Hiding the past just because it makes you insecure it not the answer.

@Girlmom35I completely agree that understanding your partner's past relationships, triggers, and hurts is an essential part of truly getting to know and connect with them. However, in my case, he never asks about my past relationships. He’s told me he doesn’t want to know, so I rarely bring it up. I firmly believe that the past can’t and shouldn’t be erased—it’s part of who we are. But I can’t help wondering if he’ll ever stop making comparisons, as it happens quite often. I’m not trying to hide anything about my past; I just wish the focus could shift away from it now thats all. Thank you for your response and highlighting how you and your husband deal with this issue.

Im sorry OP but I would be concerned about the fact she is on his mind so much.
It sounds as though he really isn't over their relationship.

Talk to him, explain even negatively, you don't want to hear about her now 2 years in.

Tell him it's stopping his brain moving on by ruminating on negative things too.

After 2 years, she does not need to be mentioned.

@Lavenderblossoms yes I will. Actually its 3.5 years since they 'split up'. We've been together 2 years. And yes, thank you x

Why does he not want to know about your former life? I am curious about that mismatch… given how much you know and he shares about his ex.

@NeedsMustNet I cant really answer this. He just doesn't ask about my past relationship - at all. I share stuff about my ex husband because we have kids together but not about my most recent 4 year relationship. I guess he doesn't want to know. I know about his because I asked in the beginning or I ask him to elaborate on snippets of things that he has said. He doesn't just talk about her, its more comments or remarks..

My relationship with exH also cast a pretty long shadow over my life. The last 6 years I was with him, he was pretty abusive. We have 2 DC, so I tried everything to "fix" things, I should have left earlier. I say this because I do mention him, or rather the impact he's had on me, to my (new!) DH. You say their relationship was toxic. It has likely had a lasting impact on him, on how his mind works, on what his fears and hopes are.

As time has gone on and I've healed (with a good amount of therapy), the topic arises less and less. I did have to make a concious effort not to make comparative comments, even though they came from a place of appreciation and admiration for DH, and were always complimentary to him, I don't think anyone likes being compared like that. But it's been 6 years, my ex and his impact on my life, still crops up in conversation from time to time.

At no point did I want to rekindle that past relationship. The idea is abhorrent to me. But it was a large part of my life, and sadly it didn't just melt away once I'd left.

All that being said, the mis-match with your DP talking about his past relationships, but him not wanting to hear about yours, doesn't sit right with me. Does he actually ask you to not mention it? Or rapidly change the subject? Or does he just not ask you questions about it?

@MangoBiscuit Thank you for your thoughtful reply and perspective. I completely agree that relationships can provide a powerful space for healing, and that’s something I truly value. His previous relationship was undeniably toxic, marked by a cycle of breaking up and getting back together. To be honest, mine had its own challenges as well.
What troubles me is that he never asks me about my past relationship. When I try to bring it up, he doesn’t engage or follow up on any of my comments. I vaguely recall him mentioning that he doesn’t believe past relationships should be discussed, which feels ironic given the circumstances.
I’m not entirely sure how to move forward. This situation has left me feeling quite upset. On one hand, I hesitate to ask him to avoid mentioning her altogether because that doesn’t feel right—it would create a sense of avoidance or taboo that I don’t want in our relationship. At the same time, I’m struggling to find a balance that allows for open, healthy communication without unnecessary tension.