On a relationship break

[pathologicalpeoplepleaserr]

I ended things with DP about 6 weeks ago and arranged somewhere else to live. Prior to moving out we had a heart to heart and admitted we loved each other but things just weren't working. We decided we wanted to work on things rather than break up but I decided to continue to move out as I couldn't see how things would change without actually forcing us to. There were multiple issues but at the crux of it,

• we had been together for 6 years and not engaged which is important to me. He's said he wants to marry but relationship needs to be happy which I agree
• we had gotten into a habit of drinking too much on the weekends. I had been suffering from constant anxiety about our relationship but I realise that alcohol has been making it worse. I have stopped drinking since moving out and he is also hugely reducing this. I had been using the unhappy relationship as an excuse.
• we were resentful and did not appreciate each other. Communication had broken down. We were both snapping at each other a lot.

I had been comparing my life to others too much

Things feel a lot more positive after a month of living apart and we feel like friends again. We haven't been drinking in each others company and doing more wholesome things. We are making an effort to communicate what we both need etc. I am hoping to give things another 2 months before moving back in if things continue on this trajectory. Does this sound reasonable timeframe? Do you think it's possible to reconcile after things being so broken one of you moved out?

I think it's important for both of you to figure out not just what the negative behaviours were that were damaging your relationship, but also the underlying issues that have causes these negative behaviours.
Only if you know what the underlying mechanisms are that have put these behavioural patterns in motion, can you stop yourself from ending up exactly back where you are now.
So f.e.: "I get upset when I'm feeling unsupported and undervalued, because I rely too heavily on validation from others and have low self esteem issues. So when my good efforts aren't seen/rewarded, I become snappy and overly critical"
Or: "I was harshly criticised as a child and am now overly sensitive to perceived attacks on my self image. I can't handle even constructive criticism because my self esteem is too fragile. As a defense mechanism, I use anger and defensiveness te deflect all blame and fault and I refuse to take responsability for my actions, because if I do, it would crumble my self esteem."

These are examples, but you need to get to the bottom of why you were acting this way to each other. If you don't, you'll just end up on repeat.

I wouldn’t be moving back in until I was certain you wouldn’t just revert straight back

Thanks both. I feel like I want to rush back but then not sure why so I think I do need to take my time and really make sure things are resolved and we understand how not to make the same mistakes

Other than moving out and running away from the problem what work have you both done on the reasons you moved out in the first place? You're doing better with the drinking, that's good. What about the resentment and lack of appreciation for one another? Once resentment creeps into a relationship, it's hard to get rid of, and hiding from it for a few months then going back and hoping things will have changed is a bit silly.

In my experience if a relationship has reached a point where you can't tolerate being together and need to take a break, it's pretty fucked and will require a great deal of work to get back on track. If you're doing nothing to fix this I'm not sure how you think it'll be different when you go back for round two.

Why don’t you date exclusively for a while before moving back in together? It’s not uncommon for people to take time to reset after a breakup. Additionally, alcohol can be toxic to relationships. It’s important to ensure that you both share similar goals and values. Perhaps seeking a safe space with a counsellor, both individually and as a couple, could be helpful.

It doesn't really sound long enough to break the patterns you're in when living together. Really easy to drop back into old lazy habits once the dust settles.

Perhaps you should do relationship counselling together to figure out your communication styles for the long-term.

Good question. I have been going to individual counselling to work on the anxiety as a lot of it comes from me worrying about the future and what other people think. He has been left to deal with day to day running of the house and I think now appreciates more how much I was doing. I think being apart has made us appreciate why we got together in the first place and see each other as friends again rather than almost enemies.
He's agreed to couples counselling to fix the issues but can't afford it unless we are living together again. We have also had very open conversations and realised a lot of the resentment comes from conflicts on how to spend money and priorities so we have a plan for how to rework that. I'm not sure if it's enough or any tips on what we should be doing

He's not keen to marry, you are. If he wanted marriage it would have happened by now. You don't sound very fond of him.

Walk away, don't waste more precious time when the best case is a reluctant marriage and the resentment that goes with it.