Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I chase absent father?

12 replies

SpringleDingle · 14/01/2025 12:43

My exH and I divorced (at my instigation) 7 years ago. He had mental health issues (depression and anxiety) that had gone on for most of our relationship. He hadn't worked for 8 years at that point and was a "SAHD" to our DD. In reality as I wfh he did school run and little else. I made all the food (he can't cook), did all the drs, opticians, uniform purchase, laundry, tidying, homework, bedtimes, etc.. Between my returning to work and primary school she was at nursery 2 days and then half days 5 times per week. He did take her to a few baby classes or the odd softplay but he certainly wasn't doing half of what needed to be done to run the house.

Anyway, I digress, I got fed up and asked him to leave. We divorced and split assets 50:50, sold the house to release equity and agreed on 50:50 custody. Which lasted right up until he got a job and then he couldn't do 50:50 so he had her 2 nights a week and EOW. Then it was a bit less, then a bit less, then much less. Now she is a teen she is complaining that he has no internet and still hasn't learned to cook so she's always hungry there. He has been mostly absent with mental health issues staying with family since the summer and when she complained about him feeding her a microwave burger he said she was fussy and he didn't need the hassle anymore (said to me not her). That was just after Xmas and I haven't heard from him since. He didn't have her for Xmas - his choice, he was with family. DD isn't seeming bothered. Should I chase him? I know it is his mental health causing the issues but I am tired of making allowances.

OP posts:
username299 · 14/01/2025 12:50

It's very difficult OP because it's important for children to have their dads in their lives. I'm wondering if them meeting at his parents would be a compromise or just meeting during the day and not staying over.

Regarding food, could you send her over with food she can heat up in the microwave? I know you shouldn't have to but it's a solution.

tribpot · 14/01/2025 12:52

Is DD a young teen? I'm assuming yes if he is 'cooking' (I use the term loosely) for her. I would leave it for a while and then maybe ask her if she wants you to make contact with him. As @username299 says, if providing food is too difficult, maybe they go to the cinema together, or meet at his family's house.

NBollocks · 14/01/2025 12:54

Stop flogging a dead horse. Ball is in his court as to whether he bothers with her Check your daughter is ok emotionally but she clearly hates staying at his house so I’d def not push that.

Original poster
SpringleDingle · 14/01/2025 20:59

Thanks! I have offered to send food but he pulls a face and really isn’t keen. His family are too far for regular visiting. I’ll suggest he takes her out for a day IF he gets back in contact.

OP posts:
tribpot · 15/01/2025 08:32

I have offered to send food but he pulls a face and really isn’t keen

Oh dear? I would send it anyway. However, it's hopefully a moot point and if he wants to see DD again it can be on her terms.

Pumpkinpie1 · 15/01/2025 09:56

He isn’t providing the bare essentials when he has his daughter, why on earth would you push for more of the same?
He’s a grown man , let your DD stay at home where she is safe .

category12 · 15/01/2025 10:32

If she's a teen, is she old enough to manage her own relationship with him? If so, I'd let her.

I'd be worried about her ending up looking after him more than the other way round at this rate, (which I personally wouldn't want for her).

Original poster
SpringleDingle · 14/07/2025 16:30

Things have just got worse between DD and her dad. They started to pick up and she went on a few ouitings with him and I was feeling more hopeful that they'd reconnect properly. However the last time he was due to meet her (they were gong out for pizza on Saturday night - something they both love) he contacted her the day before and said he'd need to reschedule. She offered Sunday and he said actually he was away for the weekend and suggested the following week. She had end of year tests so said no to a weekday and they left it at "we will reconnect". He didn't say where he was but we assume he'd gone down to see his family based on the way the message was phrased (his regular haunt, he goes down and stays with his mum and goes out with his brother). She was pissed he'd dumped her and his one vague "Hi are you busy this weekend?" text was met with "yes, going out with friends" (which was true). That was 4 weeks ago and no more communication has been forthcoming. He hasn't reached out to me either so I guess I assume they are no longer seeing each other. DD says she doesn't care and he ditched her once too often but I suspect deep down she does.

I don't really want anything from this post - I have already resolved to just leave it but it's a bit heartbreaking to know he just doesn't care.

OP posts:
Sunflowersinthesummer · 14/07/2025 16:32

SpringleDingle · 14/01/2025 12:43

My exH and I divorced (at my instigation) 7 years ago. He had mental health issues (depression and anxiety) that had gone on for most of our relationship. He hadn't worked for 8 years at that point and was a "SAHD" to our DD. In reality as I wfh he did school run and little else. I made all the food (he can't cook), did all the drs, opticians, uniform purchase, laundry, tidying, homework, bedtimes, etc.. Between my returning to work and primary school she was at nursery 2 days and then half days 5 times per week. He did take her to a few baby classes or the odd softplay but he certainly wasn't doing half of what needed to be done to run the house.

Anyway, I digress, I got fed up and asked him to leave. We divorced and split assets 50:50, sold the house to release equity and agreed on 50:50 custody. Which lasted right up until he got a job and then he couldn't do 50:50 so he had her 2 nights a week and EOW. Then it was a bit less, then a bit less, then much less. Now she is a teen she is complaining that he has no internet and still hasn't learned to cook so she's always hungry there. He has been mostly absent with mental health issues staying with family since the summer and when she complained about him feeding her a microwave burger he said she was fussy and he didn't need the hassle anymore (said to me not her). That was just after Xmas and I haven't heard from him since. He didn't have her for Xmas - his choice, he was with family. DD isn't seeming bothered. Should I chase him? I know it is his mental health causing the issues but I am tired of making allowances.

You go by your child. In this case he is the adult and put the onus on him.

Temporaryname158 · 14/07/2025 16:37

The only thing I’d be chasing is the CMS payment for him having zero overnights (unless you’ve done that already)

if he can’t meet her basic needs of feeding her, or making any effort to see her, that is on him, he is the adult in their father/daughter relationship and he needs to facilitate it, not you.

I’d formally write to him explaining DD would like to see him but that he needs to make arrangements and stick to them as she is also seeing friends etc. then leave it at that - the ball's in his court

CinnamonBuns67 · 14/07/2025 16:48

I wouldn't chase him but I'd leave the door open and take your daughters lead if he comes back as she is old enough to decide for herself. Whilst his mental health is a huge factor in this which affects his ability to be a parent massively, it isn't your job to make him be there.

Mmhmmn · 14/07/2025 16:50

Sorry, OP. What a shame for your DD. He probably does care but just cannot get his sh*t together, doesn't know how. That might be the way for your DD to think of it - still hurtful but it's about lack of ability, nous, self esteem and mental ill health rather than lack of love...

New posts on this thread. Refresh page