Is this controlling behaviour?

[Art202]

My DP of a year doesn’t want me to have male friends around to the house for drinks when he’s not there. He also doesn’t want me to drink in the evenings during the week, even a glass of wine or to discuss him or our relationship with my friends. He also doesn’t like it if I go braless, show my midriff or wear gym leggings unless actually in the gym.

I’ve never given him reason to doubt that I’m faithful.

Yes he sounds like a controlling twat. End it now because I promise you it will only get worse. And if you ever get pregnant by him you've trapped yourself by tying yourself to him for years. Decent men don't try and tell their partners whole lists of things they're not allowed to do.

Yes! Controlling! Yuk!

Sounds controlling to me. Like PP said this will only get worse.

Yep - he’s a controlling abusive cunt and he’ll only get worse.

Get out asap

What right has he to dictate how his brand new girlfriend should live here life?
You wear, drink and be friends with what or whoever you choose.
Get rid of him, the arsehole.

Yes he's very controlling. It might be an idea to do the Freedom Programme to learn about healthy relationships. You can also look up red flags online and check out the Women's Aid website, they have info on abusive relationships.

You're a year in, don't live together and yet he feels entitled to dictate how you live almost every aspect of your life, whether he is with you or not. It won't get better for the simple reason that he considers you, a woman, to be his property. Get out now, don't waste any more time on this one.

I thought they did live together because of the use of 'around to the house' instead of his/my house.

Either way this is all extremely controlling - it's not even about if you've given him any reason to feel less confident in your relationship, it's about him dictating what you are/are not allowed to do. Completely unacceptable.

Yes, it is controlling behaviour.

The fact he doesn't want you discussing him or your relationship tells us everything we need to know - HE knows it's not healthy that's why he's trying to forbid you from speaking about it.

He knows what he's doing, no matter how believable he might seem.

It will only get worse. You cannot change or fix him. All you can do is protect yourself from him.

Hi OP. Yes definitely controlling.

I left my partner of 6 years last week because I had FINALLY had enough , I never had the courage to walk away but I knew I couldn't live like this much longer, everyone around me seen how controlling he was except from me I was blinded by love. He did exactly as you say above. Leave now, don't wait like I did and don't waste any more years on this awful man.

Absolutely none of that is acceptable behaviour.

Have you posted before about goi my braless ?

I remember that thread. Was that you op?

you answered your own question OP

Well he can not want all those things but that doesn't mean you have to listen to any of his nonsense.

So what happens when you say "fuck off I'll wear what I want, go where I want and see who I want"

What happens then?

Why would you want can need to to ask….of course this is bloody controlling. It’ll only get worse…get rid!

You really need to ask if this list of controlling behaviours amounts to controlling behaviour?

Leggings? What goes through HIS mind when he sees other people’s GFs, wives, daughters who are wearing crop tops, leggings and low cut tops? Anyone who wants to blame women / bring shame on them for wearing clothes like this needs to look at themselves first. It sounds v much like he himself is looking at other women and sizing them up, based on how much flesh he can see, if that is what he thinks everyone else does to you.

Sorry OP. At least this is early days for your relationship. Go forth and prosper with someone who has self respect and confidence and has respect for you.

Kind of predictable that it is the controlling partner type - the kind of boyfriend we should be talking to our friends / family - who insists that we don’t talk to our friends about them. Step 1 - isolate the kind, confident, naive person you want to control and so cut them off from the people they can truly rely on.

I made it as far as "doesn't want me to have male friends"

Yes. Yes, it is controlling.

It won't get better.

OP, have you given HIM any 'rules' of yours for him to live by?

No?

Have you told HIM who he can see?
Have you told him he cannot be friends with any females?
Have you told him he's not allowed to drink at weekends?
Have you told him that he's not allowed to wear any items or styles of clothing?

So why the hell are you even considering changing your life to abide by HIS fucking 'rules' exactly?

Why?

To keep him 'happy'?
To stop him being 'jealous'?
To stop him thinking you're 'cheating'?

Just what exactly are you hoping to 'achieve' by molding yourself into HIS idea of the 'perfect' woman?

If he's not happy with you, exactly as you are, then no relationship with him will ever work, because he doesn't like YOU as you are.
He's trying to change you into something you're not i.e a doormat who will put HIS wants/needs/desires/preferences before your own, every, single time.

If you do 'mold' yourself to suit his current 'rules/expectations', he'll simply give you more, and more, and more 'rules' as time goes on.....

'Art, You're always nagging me about housework, you're a nag. A real woman is happy to keep her home clean and tidy'

'Art, why haven't you done my laundry? A real woman is on top of all this ! You're fucking useless ! And you wonder why I won't ask you to marry me? It's because you'd be a shit wife ffs!'

'Art, I saw you in Asda, flirting with that man in the checkout ! Did you think I didn't notice? That's why you're wearing make-up isn't it? To impress him ! You're cheating on me aren't you?'

'Art, why did you buy that new pair of jeans? Tying to impress someone are you? Well if you're not, then you can just return the jeans, cos you don't need them, do you?'

Then it'll be 'Art, you're a mess ! Women are supposed to keep themselves looking good, but look at you ! No hair done, no nails, no make-up or nice clothes! I'm embarrassed to go anywhere with you ffs ! You're a state!'

It won't matter what the subject is, he'll find ways to make you feel 'inadequate', and 'useless'. Nothing you do will EVER be good enough, and you'll ALWAYS be 'judged' by him, and found to be 'less than' anyone/everyone else !

This is the beginning, the start of his long,long road to slowly erode then remove any barriers and any forms of support you have. He'll play you off against your own relatives and friends, just to make sure you have no-one to turn to when he escalates his abuse.

He'll prefer you to be isolated and fully, 100% dependent on HIM.

He'll do it gradually, slowly, inexorably, until your whole life is HIS.

You're at the very beginning.

Now is the time to say 'NO' and send him on his way to look for his next 'victim'.

He's telling you 'This IS who I AM'.

BELIEVE HIM ! And RUN.

Yes that's controlling

Oh dear

Sorry to hear it but major RED flags 🚩 here - make moves to end and move forward alone.. this is extremely controlling.. it does get worse..

@Whatbloodysummer
What was your experience?? I can tell you speak from a place of having experienced this..

My life is 100% dependent on my DH.. I have no job, no money, no friends left.. we have a child with SEN and I can't tell if I've landed in this spot myself through bad choices or if he has constructed this after many years together without even being aware (almost 20).. his dad was controlling with his mum and he has similar traits, always has..

I feel totally unsure if this is just family life where I've ended up or my own doing from not being aware of cohersion/abusive/emotional..

Sometimes I think about leaving, but I haven't.. and I don't.. :/

My mum doesn't like him and never really has.. I've grown apart from friends..

If you capitulate to this first wave of control measures, he will proceed to tighten the screws. He will start individually picking off your friends and family, creating a rationale for excluding each one from your life. He will isolate you completely and convince you that it's all for your own good and because he loves you so intensely. Once you've become isolated and vulnerable, he will start abusing you. A shove or two, punching a wall next to your head. You'll be told this is because you push his buttons, because he cares too much, and isn't he wonderful to control himself and not actually hit you despite all that provocation. Then he'll hit you, but it will be a one-off and he'll be horrified and remorseful. Then it will happen again.

Just end it. Today.

Op you are obviously tech savvy having signed up to mn- we trust you can block a twat on your message portals - and press delete on his number just fine..... You will feel so much better having done those things. Go on try it....