crap sex life

[sadandembarrased]

have had to name change for this because I am really embarrased by the whole thing.

Both me and DH are in our 30's and have been together for just over 9 years.

He was always more into sex than me as I guess is the case in a lot of relationships, a lot of it though I could put down to me being on the pill (not any more) which certainly dampened my ardour (sp?)!

However now the tables have turned! He just doesnt seem to have much of a sex drive anymore. Its probably been going this way for the last 3 years or so.

He tells me this is in large part due to the training he puts in (he is very into running and cycling) and he is due to compete in the world duathlon championships in Italy in September. He cycles to and from work every day (around 40 miles) then trains with his cycle club once, twice and sometimes several times at night and also cycles around 3 hours on a saturday and 3 hours or more on a sunday plus occaisional races. On top of that he also runs 30 mins to an hour several times per week. He woorks full time in a quite physical job too so he does do a lot.

Half of me feels that really he just doesn't fancy me anymore and the other half feels that if it is because of his training then he's a shit for putting that before me.

I just feel so sad, hurt, lonely, ugly and angry with the whole situation. I am not unattractive for my age in reality but feel like he's gone off me. I dont think I can stand another attempt at sex where he cant come and has to give up.

feel like a piece of shit to be honest and dont know how to talk to him about it without it turning into a full scale row. Do you think I should just put up with the lack of libido until September when he's finished the cycling thing (despite TTC) or do you think he's lying about the training making him less into sex?

I dont know what to think anymore, please help

You poor thing. Sadly, the only thing you can do when something is making you unhappy in your relationship is talk. It's how you talk that matters.

You could, I suppose, wait until September if your problem was sexual frustration. But it's not, is it? You are really really unhappy and turning that in onto yourself. That's not something you can sit on until September, not without tearing yourself apart between now and then.

Perhaps it is the TTC that is the problem? Maybe he has fears he is not communicating to you? Maybe he is getting a bit obsessed about the training, does he feel maybe it's his last 'chance', iyswim?

I have no idea if he's lying or not. All I know is not communicating will tear you into bits. You have to try. You can't control how he's going to respond to you - but you can't live feeling like this!

Plan how you're going to do it - write a letter if you have to! Talk about how you're feeling, not a list of criticisms of him. People get more defensive if you storm and and go "you're not doing X, Y, Z, you make me so unhappy, I wish you'd ...." Far better to say "I feel unhappy, I love you so much but I feel less close to you, I want us to feel closer to each other..." etc etc.

wise wise words, as ever, Hecate

He does feel its his last chance, in part due to his age and also in that we agreed that after this last big event in September he would cut back on training and if we had not concieved focus on TTC more fully and if we had concieved by then concentrate on home and family more.

I know he is apprehensive about us having another baby too for various reasons.

I try so hard to talk to him in a way that doesn't upset him but he always just flies off the handle and will either blame me or start saying "right I'll give up the cycling" then He'll not train for a couple of days and be utterly miserable and thats not really what i want either. I fell I cant win.

I wish I could just run away from it all

then I think his problem is pretty clear, don't you? The question is, what to do about it?

You could run away.
or
you could suggest to him that you take a break from TTC until after September.
Talk to him about whether he really wants another child or not, or whether he's going with what you want but is unhappy about it.
Talk about how much his sport means to him and how he feels about giving it up. Let him know you know how hard this is for him.
Tell him how much you want to be closer to him because you love him.
Make him a nice meal and tell him how lovely it is to just be the 2 of you (but don't try to get frisky afterwards!)
so on and so forth.

I know the above seems to be you doing everything for him, but we get more by giving more, iyswim. You need, like I said before, to talk to him about how you feel, but you also need to talk to him about how he feels. I still think the best thing is to tell him how you feel - how you feel not what you think he's doing wrong but if you really really can't, then you can certainly just work on making the 2 of you closer and showing him that how he feels matters too. (you should be doing that as well, anyway)

I think that we women do tend to expect that the man will be the - rock? The one that puts everything right? The one that takes care of our feelings? But sometimes we need to be the rock for our man, when he's struggling with his feelings.

oh posting Now I'm scared to post in case I put poncy bollocks and you think "well, so much for that!"

I have put his feelings about his sport first for the last 6 years (how long our DS has been around) I have had 6 years of being left with all the childcare, shopping, cleaning, cooking, money management, working - at various times full time and part time. I have put up with years of this and we agreed he would scale back on his hobbies and we would TTC and now I have to put him first even more - I'm not sure I can any more. I have been the rock, the one who keeps the family ticking over while he pursued his sport. When is it my turn?

Whenever you want it to be! You see, this is the problem with giving an opinion based on a tiny little post on the internet - every post gives you a different picture! You can only give an opinion based on what you read.

Based on your last post, I'd say he's being terribly, terribly selfish. He got a family in place and left them to it, like a 'base' to come back to when it suits him. That's not fair.

What does he contribute to the family? What is his role? What does he do for the family? If the answer is nothing at all, why is he still there? What are his good points?

I think you should go to Relate, on your own at first, to sort through your feelings.

You poor thing! I agree with everything Hecate says - you need to talk, a lot, and don't make it sound like a criticism.

From what you said, I get the impression he has no problem getting an erection, but then can't/won't come. That seems to me (obviously knowing nothing) that the issue might be with the TTC. And it's no wonder this is all making you feel crap about yourself - however important the training is to him, it's not fair that he's making you feel this way, inadvertently or not. You need to point this out to him, but gently.

His devotion to everything other than you is understandably making you miserable and resentful. It is very hard to think rationally about your situation when you are so entrenched in the middle of it.

But I think the advice of writing a letter tio him is really good. He might not know the extent of your sadness...I can't imagine a husband would deliberately upset his wife in this way.

Men can be very blinkered when it comes to hobbies and what interests them, to the exclusion of everything else.Looking at your husbands 'schedule' I'm not surprised you feel neglected, I'd be fuming if my dh spent that much energy poncing about running and training and so little on me.

He should be mature enough to listen to your fears without having a huff and saying he won't cycle again.

There is a place for compromise in this situation, where both of you are happy and satisfied and not resenting the other. I hope you can work it out, but don't put up with being unhappy. And FWIW I think the 'no sex because of my training' excuse is just that, a lame excuse.He's not competing in the flippin Olympics is he?

He brings in the main wage. He puts DS to bed a few times a week. Last time we went to relate was a disaster - just after DS was born. He is very good at appearing the sane calm reasonable one in front of other people and I just look like a ranting crying idiot. The way he always manages to be the "winner" (stupid I know) is that he says his sport is his only thing in life that means anything to him. He hates his job and is dyslexic and so will not study or do anything to change his career path and why should he when He can get all his self esteem from doing well in sport. Then He breaks down all the time he spends doing his sport and says things like "well cycling to work saves us money on having to have another car/run it, it only takes me 20 mins longer than if i travelled by car to cycle in so it does not impact upon our family time. If I train on weekends I am back by lunch time and will do whatever you want after that."

But its not true, it eats into family life in a million tiny ways - sex being just one of them. I feel like its always got to be first and he insists I always get my own way. My friends think He's selfish arse but he tells me all his friends (all running/cycle club members) think I am unreasonable.

Sorry if I sounded snappy, I didnt mean to.

x

Poor you. I can understand how you feel, one of my closest friends has a dh JUST like this, and he is always breaking down what she says into rationales and telling her why she shouldn't feel the way she does, and how would she like it if he told her what to do.

But in a roundabout way, you are being told what to do, your home situation with your dh means your role is so entrenched and he won't budge.

All I think you can do is once and for all explain to him HOW you feel. How he responds might dictate what you do next.

Do you really want another child with this an, who seems devoid of emotion and feeling and empathy and will always find another sporting challenge to give him satisfaction, rather than the satisfaction that can be gained by being a loving father and husband?

It sounds like he is the one with the problem. Did he have a role model like this that he bases his 'parenting and husband' style on?

hi

i'm sory you are having a rough time over this. he does sound very selfish and i think it's very sad that he has a family and yet says the only thing that means anything to him is his sport. however, he may have a self-esteem issue himself, where sex is concerned. is there anyway you can find out if it's a case of can't or won't come? it's just that doing so much cycling in particular can have a physical impact on men and interfere with sex.

maidamess - you hit the nail on the head with the role model thing. His dad was very very selfish from what he has said and just left his mum to it with the kids. He wasn't into sport but managed to find a million and one people to spend time with in the guise of being helpful (i.e fixing their plumbing, helping with other practical tasks etc) so that he never spent any time with his wife.

I do wonder sometimes if its wise to have another child but I do love him very very much and he can be wonderful too sometimes. I just wish he got pleasure from being a good husband and dad like you say.

Hadeha - he said today he maybe thinks its his saddle - not sure if this is just an excuse or not or maybe half truth??

I was going to post this BEFORE i got to your last post!

Men can find that riding bikes a lot affects their bits- it presses on the pudendal nerves and can cause loss of blood supply etc etc.

I think you somehow need to separate out any physical cause , then look at the emotions.

I know men don't like going to the drs, but in this case, he might b wise to pop along and talk to a guy about it, if you can persuade him to.

Exercise as such should not affect libido,other than being physically tired- needing sleep. Try not to take it as a reflection of your attractiveness- I am sure that's not it at all.

hls - I think we will have to buy another saddle today and see if that makes any difference. He had a "good" saddle he says until a few weeks ago when he snapped it and thinks it may be part of the problem. (god only knows how he snapped it??)

You could try surprising him with some non-vaginal sex and see if he manages to orgasm then. Sounds to me like he is trying not to conceive, imho; a surprise oral session ending in orgasm would soon let you know if he is being less than honest with you about wanting another baby. Hope I haven't been overly graphic there. Sorry if so.