When was the last time you had sex as a single person

[RealTealDog]

Sorry long post,
Hi I’m 49 and last time I had sex properly was 10 years ago, since then I wasn’t too bothered about dating or having casual sex as my daughter was going through a lot at school and being diagnosed with Asd, so for a few years I was super busy with that and raising her on my own, I wasn’t one for online dating but tried it out and found it very disheartening, I met someone that I thought would be a good match but he ended up being absolutely weird, blocking unblocking me, said I was too fat then saying I was just right for him, he was like that on/off for three months, I only met him twice and he wouldn’t kiss me or even touch me, so I guess he wasn’t really attracted to me, this dented my self esteem, so I had to move on from him. I then moved to a new area and thought it would be great for a fresh new start, I then went on a dating app and thought it would be nice to date someone now, a guy that lived near me messaged me on the app, he wanted to see me and I felt an instant connection with him, we tried to have sex but he couldn’t get an erection, he blocked me on the app, snd I felt so unattractive as I was a bit weighty but not massive, like I say he lived nearby and I heard him laughing and telling people how ugly i was, I was so embarrassed and kept my head down, to add salt to the wound he wanted to see me again and I said no, I told him I heard him calling me offensive names, he said it wasn’t about me, it was someone else, still I thought that’s awful saying that about someone, he tried it on with me again and he still couldn’t get erect, I mean I tried all sorts but he wasn’t aroused, he left and I never saw him in months, then one night on face book messenger he messaged me, telling me he liked me and I was like no no, not again as I just couldn’t let this happen again, I know some guys can have issues with ED, and he then asked me would I peg him, and did I have any sex toys, I was like sorry it’s too late and I’m busy, he came knocking on my door, so caught me off guard, he started kissing me and getting a bit intimate and wanted me he said, I felt like I was under a spell of some sort, stupid I know, I did actually peg this guy even though I’d never done that before, I actually didn’t know what I was doing, him on the other hand was loving it, he said he would see me again but that night he blocked me on Facebook, weeks went by and he had told people where I live I had done this act on him, I felt embarrassed and heard him one summer time, saying I’m ugly as hell, whoever he was with were all laughing at me, thing is I found out he asked a guy to meet him a while ago, I don’t know if he’s bi/gay but anyways i knew he found me gross, people where i live laugh at me, I don’t know these people I’ve been called a freak, ugly and other nasty things all due to this guy, he use to try and trigger me from afar, just subtle stuff, copy music I played when I was in my garden, make howling noises, coughing loudly when he knew I was in my garden, it really put me off going on any dates with others, I just think I’m very ugly and no man will want me sexually, so for a good 5 years this guy has fkd my mind up, thinking I’m grotesque, I don’t think I’m that bad but obviously he thought I was vile to smear me this way, I feel like moving and it’s upset me settling where I live now, as it’s a village type area and everyone knows where I live, people don’t like me because of what he’s said about me, I feel isolated, feel ugly and that no man will ever like me

I just have...no words.

Stop dating men. Concentrate on your daughter, your job, your home and your relationships with family and friends. If you don’t have any friends then join clubs eg book club and do some volunteering.

This whole post is pretty bad. Don’t let people treat you like this please.

@IAm16StoneHalloween2024 that’s the thing for 5 years I haven’t dated anyone and have concentrated on my daughter she’s 16 now, I feel I’ve lost my confidence and have serious self esteem issues on what happened to me, I have put effort in changing my appearance, I lost a bit of weight but did it for me, but I feel I’m still not attractive for anyone, I had CBT therapy didn’t work at all

Why do you want to be attractive for other people though? That’s putting them as the focus. Put yourself as the focus.

What have you don’t about the things I said in my post? If nothing, then start doing them. How have you improved your relationships with friends, family, job and home etc? What can you do to improve those things from now on?

Move if you can. No point staying somewhere that is so toxic. If you can’t you have to work on your self esteem and learn to not give a fuck what anyone thinks of you. Stop caring what he says. He can’t even get it up! Start seeing him as inadequate in the bedroom. It’s nothing to do with you and everything to do with him being a limp dick.

Wowser
For one thing DO NOT give out your address so early on. And also consider dating in a slightly different area to where you live. Don’t want to be seeing people round the corner!

I think those experiences would be enough to step away for a long time but if you do go back to it please raise your standards, keep some anonymity and keep yourself safe.

Do you think you might have ASD like your daughter? It is highly heritable. I am autistic and I get the impression from your post that you might be too? Worth considering and seeking support if so. It can be incredibly challenging dating as an autistic woman.

I think at least one of the issues in both of the situations you have outlined is that you didn't get to know either of these guys before you decided to sleep with them. If you just want a FWB situation then fair enough, but if you're looking for a meaningful connection with someone then maybe spending a bit more time getting to know them first would help you to weed out the bad apples?

You need to build better boundaries around yourself - if someone blows/hot cold, blocks/unblocks you then move on, they are not worth your time. If someone is spreading horrible gossip about you and calling you names then never have anything to do with them gain - ever. Even if they turned up on your doorstep - close the door in their face - don't let them get close to you.

I don't think moving house is the solution because if you keep letting me treat you like this - and it is about letting them, because you are a grown woman and you need to push back on shitty behaviour - then it makes no odds where you live. Maybe you need to look another ways of meeting men, rather than online, where you can get to know them in person and take your time a bit?

What's pegging?

Using a strap on to fuck a guy up the bum.

OP, I agree with others, this isn’t about how you look or your weight. You’re giving these men an opportunity to abuse you by putting yourself into vulnerable positions when you don’t know them. Slow it all down a bit. ED isn’t about how attractive YOU are, most men can get it up for anyone to be brutally honest. He’ll be porn-sick or a big drinker and that’s why he can’t get it up. Blaming you is defensive. Same with the pegging thing - most guys would be embarrassed to admit to their friends and family that THEY enjoy this. Using it as a way to shame YOU is all kinds of fucked up.

If you just want sex there are safe ways to do that with consenting and respectful men. If you’re looking for more than hook ups then please take a step back, spend some time working on your boundaries and self esteem or you’ll just attract more of these weirdos. Also have a look on some of the dating threads - I’ve commented on loads of them about red flags to look out for, how to not get strung along etc. so I know there’s loads of useful info on here to help you.

Thank you @SnowflakeSmasher86 - I have clearly led a sheltered life 😂

I knew what it was because of an episode of Broad City!

Im single been single years and love it the last time i had sex was 4 weeks ago while i was on holiday in thailand two different thai men in 2 weeks no regrets and will do it again.
Also done it in japan way back last year went back twice.

Absolutely agree with this. Autistic women can be very vulnerable to exploitation and bullying, despite seeming competent in other areas. That's what this is, OP. Also CBT often isn't particularly effective for autistic people.if that I'd the issue you would need a therapist who really understands autism, few will. Best of luck, OP and as others say focus on yourself, what you need and what you want.

Sorry you have had such horrible experiences OP. You sound very vulnerable and as pps have said your self esteem and boundaries are non existent. Before you consider meeting up with anyone again please have some counselling to help you raise those boundaries and to work on developing your confidence in yourself so that you can make safer choices.

How did it go from "I heard him laughing and telling people how ugly i was"

to

"I did actually peg this guy even though I’d never done that before, I actually didn’t know what I was doing, him on the other hand was loving it"

What you're describing isn't sex it's abuse plain and simple. Stay off the apps and get therapy.

@ByAquaBee I did get checked about 4 years ago as I’ve had issues with people in my past, i passed all the tests but I still think I may have Asperger’s even thou I am good when in company, pick up social cues easy can actually chat like an extrovert but get very tired afterwards, but do prefer to be on my own, I’m quite introverted, I’ve been too nice and accommodating to people in the past, a people pleaser, with hardly no boundaries, so been used over and over again, generally by narcissistic people who targeted me, as I know now, I think I mask it very well but tests seem to point to the fact I’m just an anxious empathetic introverted quiet person, that has been too nice to the wrong sorts, but yes I’m glad you picked up on it in my post, I do think my tests were wrong, what did you pick up that looked like autism, I don’t date anymore 5 years ago was the last time I did with that horrid guy

Please get some help

Not answering the question for sure now!

When a new man disrespects you, cut all contact for good and please stop going back for more of the same.

@TipsyJoker hi, yeah I know I shouldn’t give a fk, but when he’s been trying to trigger me on/off for 5 years from afar it’s been hard to move on from it, he blamed me for him being unable to perform the 4 times he was with me, he made me feel the shame of it by telling everyone he knows I’m very ugly that’s why he couldn’t get it up, thing is why come back to a person you find hideous if that’s the case, I think I was trying to help him some how, plus my ego was bruised by it, it made me feel very unattractive and has stopped me from dating tbh, my confidence hit an all time low, I know part of it was my fault but I guess I wanted to prove him wrong, I’ve never had this happen before with a man and for him to then ask me to do a sex act on him, I think he negged me somehow to feel that low in myself that I agreed to do it at the time, he even tried his luck last year by trying to get my attention again but I knew it would be no point tbh, I was sexually attracted to him but I got mixed signals from him, telling people I’m ugly but then telling me I’m hot when with me, the guy is a Psychopath

@Stonefromthehenge hi, I’ve had an Autism assessment done about 4 years ago, on paper I haven’t got it, not even borderline, I’m just introverted and anxious as a person, my daughters dad was abusive and I didn’t realise at the time that he was a narcissist, I guess being in that relationship has set me up with bring a target for abusive men, these men are very manipulative and can really make you think they actually are in to you, I’ve studied narcissism for 4 years now, I know the red flags and no way would I go through that horrid experience again, I had no confidence no boundaries, and these men targeted me, yes I should of had stronger boundaries but I didn’t at the time, I feel like a fool I really do, I got attached to that guy that was hurting me then love bombing me, I felt like I was trauma bonded to him some what, but I have worked on myself for 5 years, still in the process of studying for a Psychology degree, I’m still learning and deep down I probably would be better off just being friends to a guy as I feel in the past I’ve jumped into situations that are toxic without knowing them really, so hoping in the next few years to make some male companions, Thanks.

Your description sounds exactly like me, and a lot of other autistic women. I didn't think I had it because I'm quite socially competent despite being very socially anxious and needing a day to recover afterwards. Please go to your GP and emphasise that you believe you are autistic and want a reassessment. You deserve help and support. Like others have said, just stay away from men for now.

May last year.

Boundaries. Boundaries. Boundaries.

Before you go anywhere near another man in any capacity, spend some time working out what you feel you were put on this earth for. It was not for opening the door to not rights late at night and fucking them up the bum, unless you want to.

You're not here for this. You need to be higher up on your list of priorities than anyone else and you need to be aware of how you feel, what you want, and don't want and how to feel comfortable making that clear to someone.

Until you've got that sorted do not go anywhere near dating.