Genuine friendships in the UK comparable to other countries

[Paperbear]

I grew up in the UK but to be honest I've always been drawn to people from other ethnic backgrounds, I love multiculturalism.

However, a few years ago I moved to a very English village with not much other cultural influences and if I am honest, after several years here I feel like that even the most strongest friendships here are all about being 'one up' on each other and ruthless competitiveness.

People talk behind each others back and seem to be extremely disloyal. I thought moving into the village I would find the opposite but I am finding the core of village friendships to be pretty ugly. Has anyone else experienced this? I've been here 8 years now and the more and more I discover about 'true friendships' in the area which turn out to be to me to be anything but - the more disappointed I become.

I honestly had no idea and it does make me feel stupid that I didn't know. I am not sure I would have agreed to move into one had I known! Think I will need to make some effort to spend more time out of the village where possible and just draw a line under the situation that I cannot control. It's just confirmed the village isn't for me.

The thing is, people who stay in the village have probably seen lots of new familied come and go, briefly embracing their idea of "Living In A Village" before skipping back to town. It is like temp staff in an office - no point getting attached, better to invest your time and friendship in the people who will be sticking around.

It's bad luck.

My parents experience was they were regarded as outsiders. But then they are odd anyway and not the most sociable.

DHs experience is that he has too many bloody friends and not enough time. Genuine friendships where people go out of their way.

My experience is both. There been people who are deeply insecure and been a nightmare. Then there's lovely people.

Certainly of the parents in my son's class it's been a real mixed bag. There's a clique of the in crowd who have all known each other since the their kids were babies. DS didn't go to nursery until he was 3 and missed the boat! It's near impossible to 'break into' groups like that. They are closed. Then there's the misfits who have lots going on and dramas all round. But honestly they are lovely. They probably wouldn't go out of their way too much for you but they are fun and sincere. And very very blunt. But crucially they were actually open and looking for friends. I think this is something to keep in mind - are others looking for friends or not. Try to find an environment where people aren't there because they have to be or exclusively for an activity but because they want to make friends.

Having said that I do think there is a cultural British thing, that is actually a joke amongst the Dutch, that we say one thing and then do another out of politeness. "Oh come round any time". "We should go for coffee" etc etc. But we don't actually remotely mean it. If you understand this code you don't get upset by it, but if you aren't party to it, it can be difficult to understand when someone really means it and when someone doesn't.

I think this tends to also be somewhat class related.

I'm very blunt and to the point. (I get on with Dutch people very well). I can't be arsed with the drama.

There are lots of people out there who don't want to get into these games. You just have to find them.

Agree on the sharp elbows of the well off comment. That never changes; don't imagine you can include yourself in it and not play the game. It is a condition of entry.

Scaling money in England is not a simple exercise, even if you were born into it.

Concentrate on friends with common interests. This is more genuine and likely more successful as a connection

One small village doesn't represent the UK.We aren't a hive mind. Just ignore small minded and petty people.

Agreed. I actually think this thread may be beneficial to people who have never lived in a city or another area and are dissatisfied and have no idea how wonderful it can be to be surrounded by supportive, friendly people.

Are you potentially struggling with interpreting some social situations and then finding it easier when those are explained away by being attributed to cultural/language differences compared to with native British friends where there's not anything to attribute it to?
Presumably the friendships between others which you're finding problems with are happy in their friendships so may be you're misinterpreting or reading into things incorrectly.

I find this interesting.

When we moved here and my daughter joined her school her classmates subtly and unsubtly left her out and ostracised her. The parents would barely speak to us.

When I explained in the class FB chat that my daughter felt lonely and asked if she could maybe have some more playdates, some parents actually complained to the school.

Later the school suggested she was 'missing social cues' and suggested we refer for a neurodiversity assessment, which we did, and she is neurotypical.

I think often people like to blame the 'victim' they are 'othering'.

I’d understand if that were the case, but it wasn’t so in the village in which I spent six and a half years. It was a prosperous, sought-after, pretty village, but not the type to attract people ‘giving village living a go’, and not at suitable a distance from anywhere to be a commuter village. Houses that went up for sale were snapped up by people either up or downsizing within the village or in the vicinity, or people originally from there moving back when they had children. It was really a ‘closed system’. People kept offering to introduce me to ‘the other foreigner’, who turned out to be a Canadian who’d been married to a three-generations villager for nearly 30 years. It was as if they were still assimilating her.

Whereas the village I grew up in (not UK) had loads of completely assimilated foreigners, often craftspeople, artists or people trying to make a living off the land via cheesemaking or growing niche crops.

I grew up in the UK and spent some wonderful time living abroad, which deepened my appreciation for other cultures. I don't think cultural differences are the main factor here. I have made English friends in the city without issue and haven't observed these behaviours. What I’m describing is something I’ve only observed during my time in this village which is why I am curious to know if it is true or not for villages. I doubt I will move into another village again if I had the chance at the moment because of it.

That’s really why I made this post—I wanted to better understand if these experiences are common in a village setting or just something unusual about this particular village. I'm curious if others have noticed similar.

I live in a big village near a prosperous city. I meet many people who have lived in the village for 30 years who explain how they're outsiders and not real residents. It's become quite silly, the city is booming, the village has had lots of new houses built and probably most residents are outsiders by now. But the people I'm thinking of, still explain how they are outsiders when they first introduce themselves as if by way of apology.

I'd say the school gates were the worst. Some of local mums who all grew up together and went to the village primary school together were really cliquey. I avoided the PTA members like the plague. But I just socialise with other people. The benefit of being in a village is there isn't much to do, so some people will start things up and welcome people who want to try new things. Find those people.

It’s not a nationality thing, it’s a small insular community thing.

This mostly.

I do echo what BusyGreenFinch says to a large degree.

There are definitely people who think like this, and its hard to understand if you are a 'live anywhere' person.

This is true to such a degree that its become a feature of politics - its a known thing. Its not just present in the UK either but my manifest differently in different places.

Its a closed / open community thing.