Am I being too inflexible??

[LuckyLinda3]

Hi, in a relationship for good few months. All going well but we have different work patterns....seems to be a thing with me and partners.
He's very laid back about arrangements and is happy to meet for v short amounts of time or overnight between long shifts. I've communicated that I would like longer pre arranged dates so we can go for a drive/walk/bite to eat/cinema etc but he feels I'm being too inflexible when I refuse shorter opportunities.
Am I or am I simply asking the right thing but from the wrong person?

It sounds like you should be doing both - prearranged dates that are longer but not turning down short opportunities. That is, if you're into the relationship...

Sounds like you’re both reasonable in preferring the sort of dates that you each want.

Are the shorter opportunities mostly used for sex?

I personally would want both.
Why would you say no to the shorter opportunities? Unless it's just that and there are never any real dates.

Thanks for the replies
I think my hesitation comes from the fact we mostly work around his schedule
I'm open to short and long meetings and everything in between but he seems to favour his personal plans first and then us after
I'm aware its early days so I want to be reasonable but I want to be a choice not an option too if that makes sense
My last ltr was completely one sided and I don't want a repeat of that

Exactly what I was going to ask.

OP - is this just meeting up for sex without any real dates taking place?

No I don't think the shorter ones are purely for sex. He's not great at planning his time or organising stuff so I think he operates day to day. I'm opposite to that so I realise we are both different that way and that's fine.
I think he's just very casual in his approach, a bit "we will see each other when we see each other" whereas I would like a mix of both planned time and be open to anything else that comes up last minute
What I dont want is to be just waiting around until he has a gap in his schedule
We both have busy lives and I want to be with someone who is conscious of getting time together

You absolutely shouldn't be sitting around with a wide open calendar hoping he remembers to spend time with you.
That in itself is a completely different issue to whether you prefer long and planned or short and unplanned moments together. It's not really about the kind of time spent together, it's about him not accomodating you in his life.
He just does whatever he wants to do, and expects you to be available to him when he wants you around. That is not how a relationship works.

If you really like him and want to keep seeing him, the best advice I can give is: match his energy.
Don't do anything for him that he wouldn't be willing to do for you. Don't keep your schedule open. Plan ahead. Have your hobbies and social activities. Don't cancel or change anything for him. Say no whenever he suggests something that doesn't work for you. Don't bend over backwards to make it work. Let him do the work to arrange your meeting times.
It can go one of three ways. You'll barely see him anymore and things will fizz out naturally until you just stop seeing each other altogether, or he will realise you're barely seeing each other anymore and he'll get upset. That may lead to him getting angry/blaming you for it - in which case dump him please-, or to him getting his act together and making room for you in his life.

Thanks @Girlmom35. I want time together but not just when it suits him. I'll take that on board.
He has loads going for him and it may be that he's just not a planner and that im oversensitive from my last experience
Either way I'd like us both to invest and enjoy our relationship and it not be one sided so I'm just exercising caution at this stage

I agree it shouldn’t be one-sided.

A mixture of both is ideal.

Personally I get a bit fed up when someone lacks initiative to arrange things and relies on me to do it all the time.

Great advice from @Girlmom35 re matching his energy.

Thanks @Lighteningstrikes. I agree, I like initiative too. I will match energy for now. As I say I have no issue with short dates but not as a substitute for proper time and effort.

You obviously don't like him enough. Sorry to be blunt.

I don't think you are unreasonable at all OP. If he wants to date (anyone) he should make time in his schedule for dating.

I've dated doctors, and when you are with someone who's job is SO demanding, you do tend to be the one who is 'slotted in' at times. But that's always been interspersed with 'proper' dates on their days off. Those dates meant the rest of my life could continue because our seeing eachother wasn't dependent on me being permanently available in case they had time to see me.

That's not the case for you. He won't arrange dates, so you have to either be permanently available, or risk never seeing him. It doesn't matter how much you are into someone, it's a really unhealthy dynamic, and only suitable for someone who has no regard for their own interests.

I agree with the 'matching energy', but also please don't think you are being oversensitive. It's not asking anything more than a bit of consideration and when you are dating, everyone wants to feel more like a priority than an afterthought.

Thanks for your reply @ByQuaintAzureWasp. Why do you say that please

Thanks @ChristmasFluff you have summed up my thoughts exactly in your response.