I’m seeking advice about navigating challenges in my relationship and understanding how to address ongoing issues.
I’m a 33M, and I’ve been dating a 30F (divorced) for about three months now. We’ve gotten serious, but certain topics have created tension between us, and I’m not sure how to move forward.
The first issue arose during a conversation about raising kids. She asked me if I believed in hitting children as a form of discipline. I told her, “No, I believe in raising kids with love and support, but I see it as an absolute last resort if they were to go down a dangerous path, like joining gangs or choosing a life of crime.” I explained that I’d try everything possible—communication, professional help, government support—before ever considering such an approach.
She focused on this and said, “So, you’re capable of hitting kids?” Despite multiple discussions where I clarified that it would only be an extreme measure I never hope to use, the topic kept resurfacing. I eventually told her, “You’re right. It’s not right to think that way, and I was wrong to even consider it as an option.” But she still seemed unconvinced and said, “I don’t think you mean it. It feels like a principle for you, and I don’t think that can change.” This has caused ongoing friction between us, and I’ve noticed she’s less happy since then.
The second issue was about “body count.” I asked her about hers, and she shared it with me. When she asked about mine, I was honest and admitted it’s high. A few days later, she asked, “Would you accept a girl with a body count as high as yours?” I replied honestly: “No, because I’m not proud of my own, and I wouldn’t want to be with someone who shares that history.”
She took this to mean I was judging women differently than men, which I tried to explain wasn’t the case. I have female friends and family members with similar experiences, and I respect and love them. But for me personally, I wouldn’t want to marry someone with a history like mine because I deeply regret my past decisions. This led her to say, “I guess we’re just different and don’t match.” I reassured her that my past stemmed from issues like childhood neglect, where I tried to fill an emotional void the wrong way, but I still sense that this has affected how she views our compatibility.
The third issue occurred when she bought a revealing top. I asked her, “Doesn’t that show everything, even your nipples?” She responded, “I’ll wear a jacket over it,” and I didn’t press further. A few seconds later, she said, “I don’t care what you think. I’ll wear what I want. I just wanted to know if it looked nice.” I let it go.
Later, she asked me, “Do you think a man should tell his girl what to wear?” I replied, “No. I assume she will wear what she feels is appropriate, and I’ve never tried to control anyone that way.” She responded, “I guess there’s a cultural difference between us, but you’re a good guy.”
I’ve always tried to find common ground during conflicts, but she says, “I don’t want to change your principles. We can’t solve everything if we’re so different.” She also told me her past experiences and wrong decisions in previous relationships have made her more cautious about this one.
Her friend once asked if she shows me enough love, and I said, “Not that much.” Her friend laughed and said, “She’s careful because of her past.” My girlfriend later admitted this was true and said our discussions have made her feel even more unsure about how to move forward.
I’d appreciate advice on how to address these issues and whether it’s possible to overcome these differences.