No shag, And I still end up doing the washing up. Longish, sorry.

[keepcalmandcarryon]

Bloody grumpy atm: have just had yet another recurring row with DH.

From his view point - if I want him to do a household task, (eg, washing up supper dishes, when I have cooked and cleared up all meals today for seven, due to pressure of DH's work) then I should just ask/tell him, and he will do it, or not, as the mood takes him.

From my view point - if I ask him to do a task, then it presumes that it is my role to do it, which it bloody isn't. I'm in charge of childcare, not housework.

If he'd done the washing up while I was gardening this evening, I would have come in, all happy, found the kitchen clear, and we could have retired early and happy for some marital heigh-ho.

But no - he sits amidst the open plan debris, assuming the washing-up fairy will deal with it. Or, according to him, simply not seeing it.

However - have been having this same row for nearly twenty years (crikey) and neither of us are winning it. I am now letting the dishwasher let off steam while I do the same on MN. DH will be snoring by the time I get to bed.

Would be very grateful for advice - any wise words? Should I 'ask' him to do chores, if it means a happier (and shaggier) co-existence?

dont link chores to a shag - have a good shag!

make some stuff his. bins, pots...making tea tue and friday ... then thats it - there is no mistaking..

now go get shagged

What custy says [very very pissed emoticon]

oh, I definitely don't do the 'if you do the washing up then...' thing - that's grim.

We do have certain things he does, it's just he hasn't been doing them lately as so busy with work, and I am getting very fed up.

Will retire now - may have to wake DH up to do his final 'chore' of the day

I am a firm believer of housework as foreplay. Dp knows I am going to be more receptive to his advances if I don't feel like a bloody servant.

IMO men never "see" anything to do with dirt or cleaning! Can't you compromise and do it together?

TBH if he is working his socks off to support you all (even if you have a job too) then maybe it's time for a bit of understanding?
In your position I'd be saying the same, but looking at it from the outside, I'd say give him a breather and ride it out til he's not so busy at work.

Get a dishwasher!

sadly, men need to be told

there's no harm in telling them if it gets it done

"I shouldn't have to bother telling you" is one of those battles I choose not to fight, if it gets the washing up done

Saying: "Tell you what, I'll carry on gardening, and you do the washing up" isn't a feminist back-step afaik

I had this for years. Then after some great advice on MN I sat down with DP and said we had to decide what "his" and "my" jobs are. So, mine are washing clothes, changing beds, household admin, cleaning bathroom. His are dishes every day, cleaning kitchen, hoovering, bins and recycling. We share out the cooking and other tasks as they come up.

I had to make it sink in that his jobs are his jobs and he does them every day/week etc as necessary with no input from me. Then there is no nagging. It really works with DP - especially with the dishes (I do sometimes remind him about bins and kitchen but generally he does it). My argument was, it's your house too, we both work hard, these jobs have to be done and if you want to avoid being nagged every evening for the rest of your life, do it this way. Has really helped me feel less irate with him too.

I don't, actually, think that men need to be told. I think it is a convenient fiction for them to maintain - I mean wouldn't you, if it got you off housework?

I would therefore be somewhat more strident in pointing out that it's his house too than some of the posters on this thread.

I have incidentally lived with several blokes at various points, all of whom were at least reasonably house-trained. And I'm no great shakes myself.

Totally agree with MI. If anyone needs to be told about each and every task you'd like them to do, then they haven't grown up - but they can. We wouldn't stand for it if someone said "Women - they can't understand financial issues" or "Women will never be any good at driving". It's wrong to say men just can't do housework or need their hands-holding through it. IMO the reason so many men are like this is because of their parents perpetuating that myth - they've often grown up with a mum who did everything and always took responsibility, and a dad who sat on his arse. Break the cycle! (And with our sons too of course)

aaaarrrgggh hands holding

I think mi is right that it is a convenient fiction, you'll not find me disagreeing there

in which case the easiest thing to do is just play along and do what they are asking for - tell them what to do

this seems far easier to me than seething and doing it all yourself

I would far rather talk about the washing up than actually do it

Make a list of the things you want him to do everyday. Laminate it, put it on the fridge. Get a dry erase marker, and he can tick them off as he does it, then be wiped clean for the next day.

I just thought of it...maybe I should try it...

I just know that when I make a list for the kids/ dh, then they seem to enjoy ticking things off. Otherwise it all seems damned endless.

thanks for all these views - was SO cross last night, nice to know I'm not the only one!

I've tried the list making approach before - it goes like this - we agree list, put it on the fridge, he doesn't do it (despite SAINTLY levels of non-nagging from me), we have a row

We are in extreme circumstances at present (starting a new business) and as hls says I am cutting him some slack at present - but did make it clear last night that I am not morphing into fifties do-it-all wifie...

I do think life wd be easier if the listmaking approach worked on him, but it just doesn't - who was it who defined stupidity as keeping doing the same thing and expecting a different result?

Think I'll be trying the MI/Capp combined approach with DH - exploiting the convenient fiction that they need to be asked - and thinking of it as me exploiting it, rather than caving in to it, is genius - thanks!

As regards DC's, esp DS's - will be thinking hard about what/when they can be allocated household jobs to do as their own responsibility - without having to be asked!

I agree with chippy, our dishwasher has done more for our sexlife than any outfit, vibrator, book or video

You really should not have to ask a man to do a chore , he has eyes and a brain. Dp and I have some chores that only we do, he takes out rubbish and I do the ironing.

I have never linked chores to sex but it does not take a brain surgeon to work out that if you are tired from housework that sex is not likely.

hmmn, have just been doing some counting back on fingers, and am appalled to be seriously considering the possibility that DH is witholding his sexual favours until I do some housework. Is this unprecedented?

[whizzes off to check Dadsnet for some 'loading the dishwasher is my fave foreplay' threads]