DH drinking excessively and low mood

[Yoyomelon]

So just looking for some advice. My husband and I are together 10 years married 6. We have one DD (4).

We used to have a lot of fun living together. Lots of chatting, cuddles and playfulness etc.

A few years ago we had a difficult time with a number of family/personal tragedies and following this he began drinking more often. I would say he drinks the equivalent of a bottle and a half of wine 5 out of 7 nights of the week. Sometimes every night. Hes not a bad drunk, He still gets up for work, is a good dad, does housework etc but obviously it's taking a toll his mood just seems low all the time and he will often not want to do things at the weekend as hes hungover (though he wouldnt admit thats the reason). I've spoken to him about and he's "given up" drinking a few times it lasts a couple weeks or so before he begins drinking again after a stressful day but even when he's not drinking his mood is still really low.

I walk into a room and sometimes he barely lifts his head to acknowledge me, he doesn't really talk and will answer in one word answers no proper chatting or affection until after he's had a few drinks, then we can have fun together... but like thats not great is it? That he needs a drink to speak to me.

If its a Saturday night I might have a glass of wine with him but mostly I'm.not drinking.

We don't have much of a sex life I'm not into it when he's drunk and that's mostly when he initiates.

Then when he is off the drink for a couple of weeks there will be almost zero fun or interaction. This is where we are now while he does "dry january".

The not drinking is good for him but I do struggle with the mood, sometimes I feel like an unwelcome visitor in my own home because he's just silent and sad looking all the time and if I'm being honest at the moment i dont enjoy living with him, im happier when its just me and my daughter.

Hes a good dad in that he takes good care of her cooks her nutritious meals, cleans her clothes, makes sure she's warm and comfortable. But he would never think to take her anywhere. O

n occasion he can be playful with our daughter but its not often, he mostly will just watch tv with her. By nature I'm just more playful and organise activities/trips etc so she has a pretty strong preference for me and I think that hurts him a little.

I don't believe his silence is weaponised or purposeful, when I've spoken to him he says the last thing he wants is to hurt me, hates that I feel badly about it and doesn't notice he's doing it. He grew up in a very toxic environment where people were afraid to speak so I think he does withdraw into himself.

I have asked him to do therapy either for himself or couples counselling together but he refuses and said he will fix it kicking the can down the road. He will improve for a few days and then things slide back to the way they were. I think I'm enabling him because I just go along with it aswel.

I love him deeply. He is thoughtful, smart, kind, handsome, funny (just less often now). But I don't know how much longer I can stay in a marriage where we have no connection and I'm not sure how to get us back on track.!

For you, go to Al-anon.

If he won’t seek professional help then you have to reconsider the relationship. Don’t let your daughter grow up around alcohol abuse. She will have a much higher chance of becoming an alcoholic herself because it’s been normalised.

He needs to get help from somewhere like AA and he needs to get help from a therapist. If he won’t do it, you can’t make him.

Stop drinking with him. That’s not helping. If you want to have a drink, go out with a friend instead. You cannot drink along with someone who has a problem and whom you want to stop drinking. That’s isn’t fair and it’s enabling.

You can't stop him drinking, so don't even waste your effort trying. All you can do is protect yourself and your DD from the consequences of it. Please go to Al-Anon, and get some support for yourself. My friend wasted 15 years of her life trying to stop her ex from drinking.

He sounds depressed and like he's self medicating. The only solution is for him to get help. He should see his GP and look into therapy.

If he won't get any help or make any effort then you have to decide if you want to remain in the relationship.

Thank you for the replies. I will contact Al-anon.... he doesn't think he's an alcoholic but that much drinking is excessive right? For the record neither of us drink around our daughter and she has never seen him drunk (but she would see him hungover regularly).
I think if he thought I'd leave him he might reconsider getting help, I've not really pushed him before as I didn't want to hurt him. We prob don't communicate very much and pretend everything is OK most of the time.

AA for friends and families of alcoholics, meeting and books .

Stop pretending. Such enabling behaviour only gives you a false sense of control. You did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it. Those are the 3cs of alcoholism.

You can only help yourself ultimately. Talking to him about his drinking is about as effective an action as peeing in the ocean. He does not want your help and support and kindly put there is nothing you can yourself do to help him. Help you by attending all-anon meetings and seek legal advice re divorce proceedings.

Your own recovery from his alcoholism has not started yet and will not until you get off this merry go around named denial. His low mood and alcohol consumption are linked, alcohol acts as a depressant and he is likely self medicating with alcohol.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did you see a parent drink too much ?

You have a choice re this man and she does not. I also wonder if you are codependent in this relationship and are mixing up love for him with codependency. That state and alcoholism go hand in hand.

What are you getting out of this relationship now? What’s keeping you there?.

Women in poor relationships often write the good dad comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man. Just as you have done.

Your relationship bar is also pitifully low for a good dad: he is not a good dad to his kid nor husband to you because his primary relationship is with drink.

There are no guarantees when it comes to alcoholism.He could go on to lose everyone and everything around him and he could still choose to drink afterwards. He has a job, well for now but the wheels will most certainly come off at some point.

He does not care about hurting both you and your child by his drinking. Do not raise your child within such a toxic environment because she will pick up on all the vibes here. Don’t do this to her.

And the fact that your child who is but 4 years of age would see him hungover regularly is appalling op. It is no consolation that she has never seen her dad drunk either. It casts a long shadow over you as well as her parent.

You are going to have to be the responsible adult here in your child’s life because he will not. Get him out of your home asap by all means necessary.

Do not ever drink alcohol with him. He’s an alcoholic in denial like so many of them are. You cannot afford to keep on enabling him like you have done to date.

To answer some questions I didn't grow up around alcohol. Neither of my parents drank.

I will admit we are likely codependant but there is real love there too. We have been through trauma and grief together and he was an amazing support to me at that time.

Despite the drinking, He is thoughtful he will record tv programs he thinks il like, bring me home little gifts like a book or something to make me smile. He helps with the housework does most of the cooking/laundry and keeps the house maintained.
It's just his energy and mood are suffering

He is a good dad, he is patient and kind with her. If he's working at bedtime he will call every evening to say goodnight to her and is very hands on with taking care of her though admittedly all early mornings or night time wake ups are on me.

I'm finding it hard to accept that I should just walk away especially as at the moment he's not drinking. How likely is it that someone could give up drinking for dry january and keep it up?

He's not a good enough Dad as he leaves all the care to you while he lies in bed hungover. He does not do anything with her apart from watch TV. How is that good?

Well in fairness he gets her to helps him cook dinner or help him in the garden aswel (which she loves) but yes he doesn't take her off anywhere and he will prefer to watch a movie with her than play. Hes not perfect but he is a good dad.

He is a functioning alcoholic. He is holding down a job, he is going about his daily tasks but he is reliant on alcohol and finds it hard to function without it.

Until he understands that he has a problem with alcohol and is dependent upon it there is little you can do to help him change that, the change has to come from him.

As others have said, you need to seek support and knowledge for yourself by contacting AA in the first instance.
Don't ignore this and think it isn't a serious problem because it is.

Your bar for the good dad category is pitifully low. She has also seen her dad hungover. Why do you persist in calling him a good dad?.

He palms you off with books and recording tv programs. It’s all the barest of bare minimums when it comes to relationships.That also shows how low your relationships bar is. And you are trauma bonded to him and that’s powerful too. All his nice gestures with minimal effort on his part also count for nothing really because he cannot stop drinking.

He likely does not go anywhere with her because he’s too hungover to actually take her out. he’s a bloody Disney dad whilst you do all the donkey work/hard graft of raising your child.

Whet is the longest period of time to your direct knowledge he has not drunk alcohol?.

I think you have to tell him how seriously you are thinking that you need to split.
Perhaps ask him to leave to emphasise the point.
He sounds like an alcoholic or certainly on the way.
You have every right to want more than this.

Being an alcoholic will make him depressed. You can’t really know that it’s self-medicating from what OP has written. However it started, he’s clearly dependent on the stuff now and showing every sign of being an alcoholic.

You can’t fix it OP. Get out now. If he eventually sorts himself out then all well and good, but in the meantime you have to protect your child and yourself. Remember also that the law requires you to keep your child safe. It’s not a choice now. You cannot bring her up in a household with an alcoholic in it. It’s proven to be extremely damaging. Look up the NACOA. Contact Al-Anon.

Take it from me. I wasted years waiting for my kids’ dad to get sober. We all lived through terrible times. Don’t let it happen to your child.

He’s drinking practically every night isn’t he?. And he’s used any and all excuses to drink. His thoughts centre around drink and where the next drink is going to come from.

In the meantime and until you decide for your own self that enough is enough, both your child and you will continue to buckle under the weight of his alcoholism. It’s not called the family disease either without good reason too. You’re all affected by this.

How is that a low bar? he cooks her dinner every day, makes sure she has clean clothes, he does 50% bath, 50% bedtime, he is kind and patient with her, cooks with her etc ok he doesn't play games or do crafts with her in the way I do and he doesn't take her off places but thats hardly grounds for getting the deadbeat dad award. Like I said he's not perfect but he is not a bad dad either.

Last year he was off it for about 12 weeks. Id say thats the longest. I did see an improvement in his mood and he started running again (something he loved) but just as things improved he got an injury and started drinking again.
He wasn't much of a drinker for the first few years of our relationship. But there is addiction and alcoholism in his family.

He's not drinking at the moment his last drink was 31st Dec.

He’s miserable, drinks most of the week, barely speaks to you at home and you have no sex like to speak of. He does not take your child anywhere.

That was a red flag you minimised right there re addiction and alcoholism in his family.

What relationship example is that to your child?. And I maintain your relationship bar is pitifully low if you’re accepting of all this from him and call him a good dad to boot. He cooking and cleaning her clothes are the barest of the bare minimums he should do for his child. All that too does not take hours on end to do either.

And January is almost at an end and when that happens he will start drinking again. He stopping drinking for 3 months is not very long and he is unlikely to stop drinking altogether without outside support. Unless he decides to address the root causes of his drinking and his alcoholism of his own accord there is nothing you can do other than help yourself.

You are right he is miserable, we are not having conversations (or sex) and most of the time he is completely silent.

I realise that I haven't been very supportive of his attempts at sobreity other times and have enabled his drinking. I kind of closed my eyes to it and didn't see it as a problem I just wanted him to be happy (even if that meant drinking)
I get that was wrong now.

I will reach out to Al-anon and rethink our relationship if he starts drinking again

He will start drinking again. He won’t stay off it. As soon as there’s an excuse, he will drink. Like an injury, stress at work, the car broke down, his friends stag do, work night out, birthday, etc. He will only stop when he wants to and that usually happens when someone hits rock bottom. He’s nowhere near that yet because he’s still got his cosy home life, still got the veneer of being a good family man, still holding down a job, etc. Clearly, he isn’t happy unless he’s drinking. So, there likely a mental health problem there. You mention trauma in the past. People don’t just decide to become alcoholics. They’re usually people who are in some way traumatised or don’t have good coping mechanisms in place and they lean more and more heavily on the crutch of alcohol. So, he needs to get peer support through AA and professionals support to address his trauma and learn new coping strategies. Until he seeks this and fully engages, he won’t stop. He doesn’t know how to. He needs support.

You can’t really know that it’s self-medicating from what OP has written.

The OP says that his behaviour changed following trauma and now he barely acknowledges her. Many addicts are self medicating.