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Original poster

Am I expecting too much too soon?

24 replies

SnappyLemur · 13/01/2025 17:58

I posted before Christmas as I have reconnected with my ex-boyfriend from 20 years ago after I went through a messy divorce. We bumped in to each other and have kept in touch since. I invited him to my house on Christmas Day and he accepted but then my children invited their dad (my ex) without asking me. I was annoyed at the time but accepted that my children would want to see their dad on Christmas Day. My ex, who I have reconnected with, spent Christmas day on his own and it didn't seem to bother him despite me feeling terrible about it.
We have been out together three times since Christmas, when my children have been at their father's house. He is a real gentleman who is kind, generous and hard-working. He has never married or had family and he told me he never found someone else who he loved as much as me.
There are a few things that bother me about him though.
1.) Whenever I talk about my children he listens but then changes the subject.
2.) When I was out with my children at the local shopping centre, I saw him coming towards me and the kids. When he saw us, he looked around hurriedly and went in to a shop. I think he was avoiding meeting my children.
3.) After our third evening out together, I invited him to stay at mine but he declined. When I asked him why, he said he doesn't want to stay in the house I shared with my ex husband.
He has since apologised for not staying at mine and said it was the drink talking. He has also suggested that we go away to NYC for a long weekend over Easter. I'd love to go but know my ex won't have the children for four nights, especially if he knows who I am going away with.
There is bad history between my ex husband and my ex boyfriend. My ex boyfriend tried to reconcile our 7.5 year relationship after it broke up but by then I had started seeing my husband. My ex-husband was particularly nasty towards ex-boyfriend and manipulated me away from reconciling with him. My ex-boyfriend shrugs it off, but deep down I know it still hurts him after all this time.
Do you think he will ever adore me like he used to? I know he has been badly hurt by me in the past but I can see in his eyes that he adores me, but I can also tell that he is protecting himself.

OP posts:
Pumpkinpie1 · 13/01/2025 18:04

Yes you are .
Stop over thinking and enjoy the friendship.

Adamante · 13/01/2025 18:08

When I was out with my children at the local shopping centre, I saw him coming towards me and the kids. When he saw us, he looked around hurriedly and went in to a shop. I think he was avoiding meeting my children.

I'd have done exactly the same!

Allnewtometoo · 13/01/2025 18:11

I think the shopping avoidance was a sensible choice tbh.

TwistedWonder · 13/01/2025 18:12

You’re trying to run before you can walk - stop over thinking and going on fast forward. Step back, take a breath and just let things evolve naturally

Original poster
SnappyLemur · 13/01/2025 18:16

Do you think I should accept his offer of a trip away then? It would cause problems with my ex and potentially my children. I have always promised to take my children to NYC one day so would feel guilty for not taking them.

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 13/01/2025 18:17

This sounds like way too much drama.

PeachRose1986 · 13/01/2025 18:17

This needs to move slowly anyway because of your dc but also you have the added complication of the history between your exH and your now boyfriend.

zerogrey · 13/01/2025 18:19

This sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.

If there is bad blood between him and your ex husband, he's probably not going to want to be around your kids, and your ex husband isn't going to want him around them either.

rubyslippers · 13/01/2025 18:20

What’s the rush?
this is all sounds very messy with a lot of potential for drama and upset

Mockingjay876 · 13/01/2025 18:22

I think I remember your previous post and what you had with your ex boyfriend was more of a friendship than anything else. I got the impression then that you wanted more from your ex than he was ready for. Has something changed since then? It could be a case of too much water under the bridge for him. You aren’t the same person you were 20 years ago, you have a marriage to someone else behind you - and children. So I think him adoring you like he used too, back when there was the possibility of sharing a life together, children etc isn’t something that can be recreated now. He will also be a different person than he was. Can you not just go with the flow, relax and see what happens.

Negroany · 13/01/2025 18:23

SnappyLemur · 13/01/2025 18:16

Do you think I should accept his offer of a trip away then? It would cause problems with my ex and potentially my children. I have always promised to take my children to NYC one day so would feel guilty for not taking them.

Go somewhere else, maybe just three of the days?
If NY doesn't appeal to you for this reason just tell him and agree together something different. You don't have to just accept this as the only offer on the table.

Ponderingwindow · 13/01/2025 18:23

This relationship started late last fall? Your children shouldn’t even know he exists yet. He absolutely should not be showing up at the house.

anyone you date needs to be siloed from your children until you are 100% certain the relationship has the potential to last indefinitely. Yes, that might mean you end up wasting time because once he meets your children it may not work. That is what happens when you have kids. You have to protect them. They don’t need to meet every man you date.

By all means date this guy. Have fun. Go away on holiday. Nothing wrong with any of that. Just stop inviting him to your house or to meet your children.

Original poster
SnappyLemur · 13/01/2025 18:23

I'd like to try again and hopefully it would work out but I also know that my now boyfriend wants to tread very cautiously. My exH is a manipulative bully and my boyfriend now has a lot more confidence than he used to. My boyfriend said to me on a night out that until the children have grown up, my exH will always try and manipulate me, so be assertive and stand up to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
SnappyLemur · 13/01/2025 18:28

Ponderingwindow · 13/01/2025 18:23

This relationship started late last fall? Your children shouldn’t even know he exists yet. He absolutely should not be showing up at the house.

anyone you date needs to be siloed from your children until you are 100% certain the relationship has the potential to last indefinitely. Yes, that might mean you end up wasting time because once he meets your children it may not work. That is what happens when you have kids. You have to protect them. They don’t need to meet every man you date.

By all means date this guy. Have fun. Go away on holiday. Nothing wrong with any of that. Just stop inviting him to your house or to meet your children.

I'm not sure he wants to meet my children. He wanted to marry me and have a family together and I stupidly let my exH manipulate me away from him all those years ago. I know we have both changed but I feel we could have a future together if I could keep my exH at arms length, which is easier said than done when we have children together.

OP posts:
CleanShirt · 13/01/2025 18:29

He's doing the right thing by keeping away from your children. It's ridiculously early days!

Original poster
SnappyLemur · 13/01/2025 18:29

Negroany · 13/01/2025 18:23

Go somewhere else, maybe just three of the days?
If NY doesn't appeal to you for this reason just tell him and agree together something different. You don't have to just accept this as the only offer on the table.

Show quote history

I've just messaged him and suggested a shorter city break. I have made a couple of suggestions and explained my situation to him.

OP posts:
Daisyvodka · 13/01/2025 18:40

How long have you been divorced from your exDH, and how long have you been seeing this guy?
The reason I ask, is because it's generally recommended that you take things slow with meeting a new Partners children, as in until you've been together several months to a year, and you don't seem to be aware of that, which makes me wonder what else you might not be aware of, if you have been in an abusive and controlling relationship before. It's hard to know what's normal when we have been involved with awful people, and we ourselves can fall into the trap of making mistakes, because we don't know better and we are desperate for companionship after so long of being treated like the enemy. I really don't want to upset you, I'm saying this because I want you to have a lovely life after your marriage - but the fact you don't know that you shouldn't be rushing towards your children meeting him, makes me really worry that you have not recovered enough from your relationship, and that you don't have the knowledge right now to support yourself and your children through this post divorce period. Please do some research into relationships post divorce and meeting children etc, there are some wonderful resources online and you will quickly see that the best thing for the relationship and the children is that they dont meet right away.

Original poster
SnappyLemur · 13/01/2025 18:53

Daisyvodka · 13/01/2025 18:40

How long have you been divorced from your exDH, and how long have you been seeing this guy?
The reason I ask, is because it's generally recommended that you take things slow with meeting a new Partners children, as in until you've been together several months to a year, and you don't seem to be aware of that, which makes me wonder what else you might not be aware of, if you have been in an abusive and controlling relationship before. It's hard to know what's normal when we have been involved with awful people, and we ourselves can fall into the trap of making mistakes, because we don't know better and we are desperate for companionship after so long of being treated like the enemy. I really don't want to upset you, I'm saying this because I want you to have a lovely life after your marriage - but the fact you don't know that you shouldn't be rushing towards your children meeting him, makes me really worry that you have not recovered enough from your relationship, and that you don't have the knowledge right now to support yourself and your children through this post divorce period. Please do some research into relationships post divorce and meeting children etc, there are some wonderful resources online and you will quickly see that the best thing for the relationship and the children is that they dont meet right away.

Thank you for your advice. Much appreciated. I think I am rushing as I am full of regret about what happened 20 years ago plus I really like him. I can't turn back the clock and change what happened. I just want him to see that I am enthusiastic and committed ready for when he is.
I think my children will always be the difficulty in our relationship as I chose to have them with someone else rather than him. He has no children and always used to talk about how much he wanted to be a father. I don't think he is bothered but I feel incredibly guilty. When I look at what a bad father my exH has been, I hate myself for some of the choices I have made in the past.

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 13/01/2025 18:59

This is all so messy. You wishing away the past 20 and wishing you’d had children with the boyfriend strikes me as really odd. Your children wouldn’t be who they are if you’d had them with someone else.

Whatever this relationship is, it isn’t a chance to correct the past two decades. You can’t go back in time.

Original poster
SnappyLemur · 13/01/2025 19:09

StormingNorman · 13/01/2025 18:59

This is all so messy. You wishing away the past 20 and wishing you’d had children with the boyfriend strikes me as really odd. Your children wouldn’t be who they are if you’d had them with someone else.

Whatever this relationship is, it isn’t a chance to correct the past two decades. You can’t go back in time.

I love my children to bits. I just wish they had a father who showed them more love and show more interest in them. They try so hard with him but he is always so distant with them.

OP posts:
Original poster
SnappyLemur · 13/01/2025 19:10

I'm going to speak to my boyfriend and tell him I know I am being too pushy and need to slow down. Any suggestions about how to manage conversation would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
ChristmasFluff · 13/01/2025 19:30

It sounds like you have massively romanticised him because you chose your ex-husband over him. In fact, there must have been reasons you didn't choose him, and if you HAD chosen him, it could have gone just as wrong as it has with ex-H.

It sounds like he finds it hard to come to terms with your house, let alone your children - and maybe there is just too much baggage between you for this to work. It's not good that he is trying to get you to be more assertive with the ex, because that isn't his place yet (if ever). [You might want to look at yellow rock regarding the ex - www.onemomsbattle.com/blog/implementing-yellow-rock-communication-when-co-parenting-with-a-narcissist]

But you don't need to have a conversation with your bf about this. Just mentally take a step back and hold onto you heart until you know him better. Go for the mini-break. Let him show you who he is in lots of different situations.

beetr00 · 13/01/2025 19:54

ChristmasFluff · 13/01/2025 19:30

It sounds like you have massively romanticised him because you chose your ex-husband over him. In fact, there must have been reasons you didn't choose him, and if you HAD chosen him, it could have gone just as wrong as it has with ex-H.

It sounds like he finds it hard to come to terms with your house, let alone your children - and maybe there is just too much baggage between you for this to work. It's not good that he is trying to get you to be more assertive with the ex, because that isn't his place yet (if ever). [You might want to look at yellow rock regarding the ex - www.onemomsbattle.com/blog/implementing-yellow-rock-communication-when-co-parenting-with-a-narcissist]

But you don't need to have a conversation with your bf about this. Just mentally take a step back and hold onto you heart until you know him better. Go for the mini-break. Let him show you who he is in lots of different situations.

@ChristmasFluff brilliant post. Summerizes the situation perfectly.

@SnappyLemur Enjoy the relationship and have fun, just bear in mind there is a reason why he has no children.

This will be difficult going forward, don't delude yourself lovely.

mumonthehill · 13/01/2025 20:08

@ChristmasFluff is spot on. You have no idea if you would have stayed together . Also you are 2 totally different people now so cannot use a relationship that is 20 years out of date for reference. Him not having children is his choice not your doing and you have no responsibility for that. He needs to understand though that you do come with children. Did not try and relive the past but forge a relationship with who you are now. Slow down.

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