DS and his father

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i have 2 children with my ex. We split up when I was heavily pregnant with our youngest DC due to him having an affair. After the initial shock of life being turned upside down, my ex and I were fairly amicable and remained that way throughout the children’s childhoods.

Eldest DS didn’t really enjoy visiting his dad and step family, no big issues raised, he just didn’t have fun and reading between the lines I think he struggled to compete for attention between step family and my younger DC when he was with his dad. He grew apart from his dad and stopped visiting or going for days out (some of this was due to him having a little wk end job as a teen and enjoying earning some money). They have very different personalities and I think his dad could be quite bullish and assertive over DS, who is mild mannered and quiet.

The years have past and DS is now 18, he decided about 9months ago that he no longer wanted any contact with his father or step family. He has blocked all social media/message/calls facilities with them. Again, no specific reasons given, just that it’s not what he wants. I’ve tried to get to the bottom of why but he gets defensive, and he is now an adult and able to make his own decisions. Ex is obviously very unhappy about this and I feel like piggy in the middle. My priorities will always be my children and I respect his wishes, but I do try to guide him to see the bigger picture. I feel I’ve exhausted all avenues of conversation about it, but ex won’t accept this and continues to send me messages about how I “wouldn’t like it if the shoe was on the other foot” etc. I can see why he’s upset, but I have tried everything, and there must be a reason(s) that DS has cut contact. My younger DC still sees his dad and I feel his dad now goes over the top, buying expensive gifts and doing fun activities, almost as if he’s trying to show my eldest DS what he’s missing - this will obviously compound how eldest DS feels.

has anyone been through similar? Or have any words of wisdom to help a pretty fraught situation?

i think you just say you support your oldest son
and with time, hopefully he’ll open up more

There's nothing you need to do here other than continue to support your DS and respect his wishes.

Your ex husband doesn't get to send you messages because he won't accept it. That's not how it works.

Well done to your son for doing what’s right for him. It’s a difficult decision to cut contact with a parent, so good for him if that’s what he wants. I think in time you will find that there is indeed a reason(s) why your son has made this decision but for now, just support him. Tell you ex that you’ve talked to him but he’s 18 and he can make his own decisions. You can’t force him the do anything. Your ex has no right to put it on you. Perhaps he would be better writing to your son asking for a meeting to talk

ex has asked for to see DS but goes in with overbearing bully tactics like “he owes me an explanation, he’s man enough to blank me but not man enough to tell me why”. I’ve explained to ex that he can’t speak to DS like that but he feels he knows best, lecturing and demanding isn’t going to get him anywhere though. DS won’t entertain seeing him at all, so no chance of a meeting.

I don't think it's right that your ex is communicating through you.

This is your DS's decision, and you yourself don't even really know why he's made it. It's got nothing to do with you. You haven't been with his father in a long time and it's not your job to mediate or fascilitate their relationship. Whether your son is morally right or wrong to end contact like this, doesn't really matter. He's 18 and has every right to do so. Your ex doesn't have to like it, he just has to accept it.

I would start by making it clear that you won't be the middle person anymore. Your child is an adult, therefor there's no need for you and your ex to be communicating about him anymore. Your ex will need to address your son directly if he has something to say. You will no longer be the messenger. You accept your sons choices, and that's that.

Well, that’s it then. Just don’t engage with him when he starts on you. It’s nothing to do with you. Your son is an adult and has made his choice. He doesn’t owe your ex anything. If he keeps going on about it tell him you will be blocking him because there’s nothing you can do about it and he has no right to give you abuse over it. Give your youngest a phone so he can contact you when he’s away with his dad. Drop the rope.

What an awful man your exDH is. Don't respond to him when he messages about your eldest DS. It's entirely DS's decision to go NC with his dad and step family, just like it was your exDH's decision to cheat on you while heavily pregnant.

Your ex's response to no longer being able to control your eldest DS is quite telling and explains why your DS doesn't want to see him or speak to him. He sounds like an overbearing bully.