What is wrong with me?

[SidSloth]

I'm early 30s with 2 small children and have been with my DP for 13 years. 4 years ago, I found flirty messages to a married colleague on his phone. 2 years ago I found out he had been meeting this colleague after work and he confessed they had kissed. She corroborated this. I do not believe they have been in contact since I asked him to stop speaking to her.
In hindsight we had several issues, but I loved him. We had couples counselling following and I thought I'd be ok. He was apologestic, lots of tears and changed; became more thoughtful, better with the kids, more proactive. The children love him.
Things have been rocky since I guess; 12 months ago during a conversation about our relationship he told me that his initial story was not true, they did not kiss and he was meeting her to help her with some personal problems. I do not believe this new story & have told him so.
I feel we paper over any issues, so we had a conversation late last year, initiated by me to try and discuss our relationship where we got very teary but agreed to seperate and would discuss further after Christmas and carried on as normal day to day, without any affection.
This conversation has not yet happened, yet he will discuss plans in 6-12 months time - holidays, next christmas etc. This gives me anxiety - why can neither of us bring this topic back up but then it frustrates me because he's acting like the conversation never happened? Although he must know it did, there has been no physical contact since!
I feel he berates me a lot of the time but everything is covered as a 'joke'.
I guess I am scared, he is my first proper relationship, father of my children but we are no good at communication. Not sure we ever have been.
The thought of him actually leaving puts a knot in my stomach. I don't know what is normal - I read threads on here that change my mind every day - if we have kids should we try harder? When do you know enough is enough? Everything just feels so bleak at the moment and I tell myself every year I won't end the next the same as the last, yet do nothing about it. I don't know what to do, surely there is more to feeling like I'm sleep walking through life? I don't know how to stop feeling like this & I don't really know why I'm posting here - perhaps for some clarity?

It's not you, it's him.

He is abusing you. Berating you all the time and then telling you it was just a joke is one of the most common abusive tactics, designed to make you doubt yourself.

You'd be suprised how much clarity you'd gain if you weren't trying to make a relationship work with someone who is lying to you, having relationships behind your back, and berating you then calling it a joke.

It is not funny. It's no wonder you don't know which way is up, but you can hopefully agree that "fixing' this, or trying harder isn't going to work unless he will equally lean in.

He will string you along as long as he has a comfy bed and dinner on the table, if you want a different life then you will have to make the hard decisions and the moves.

You could stay like this for the rest of your life. That is an option. But you don't have to. As an excercise, go through your finances and work out if you were going to leave him, what that would look like. You could also see a solicitor to get some more information. Action overcomes fear.