In laws forgot daughter’s birthday

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I’m after people’s opinions because it’s really annoying me that my in laws forgot my daughter’s birthday at the weekend. For context the relationship is strained as they make zero effort with my children but for my BiL kids, she looks after them on set days every week and go all out for them. the way my MIL has treated my husband over the years, I would have cut ties with her but my husband doesn’t want to lose complete contact.

She turned 6 on Saturday, they normally all text (MIL, BIL and SIL) and she eventually gets a card and present a few months later when we go to drop our nieces birthday present off on her birthday. But this year absolutely nothing from any of them. We only saw them just before Christmas when they actually brought the girls Christmas presents round (normally they tell my husband to go collect). They stopped wishing me a happy birthday or getting me any cards or presents about 4 years ago despite us being together for 22 years and my birthday being the day before MIL so no reason to forget! Last year they didn’t get my husband anything for birthday or Xmas which was the first year no effort with him. The girls used to get a sack full of presents but got one craft kit from the works and £10 to spend. They don’t have a mortgage, both work and go on multiple overseas holidays a year so they aren’t short on money. They also buy gifts for the other grandkids throughout the year. I personally just want them out our lives, she has brain washed his siblings against my husband making out he’s the issue and makes zero effort when it’s come from her, to which he’s then given up himself. I would much rather not have them in our lives than the girls wondering but I know my husband will just brush this under the carpet to keep the peace. And this is what is annoying me that I will be expect to see them within the next few months and pretend that they didn’t forget my daughter’s birthday because my husband has begged me before not to speak up about things. What would you do or how would you handle this? Or am I just being too touchy about it and should ignore the fact they all forgot?

Or am I just being too touchy about it and should ignore the fact they all forgot?

This, just let them be and you focus your energy on your children and husband. Focus on who is there not who isn’t x

'Last year they didn’t get my husband anything for birthday or Xmas which was the first year no effort with him.'

I think if they can treat their own son this way then it shouldn't come as a surprise, sadly. They sound horrible and I would advise you put them out of your mind and focus on your dh and dc. This must be very hard for your dh especially.

He hates it and normally we can talk about absolutely everything but I try not to say anything or give my opinion because it’s his family and it’s his choice how he wants to play it all. He knows I hate the way they have and do treat him but that’s his choice to make. But it’s hard to stand back when it’s our kids affected. MIL fell out with her mum years ago for the same behaviour so he gets frustrated that she can’t see she’s being the same. I need to try and just look past it because they aren’t worth my energy.

Some people sadly come from very dysfunctional families and your DH is one of those people. People from dysfunctional families as well end up playing roles; in his family we have the golden child (his brother) and the scapegoat (your now husband).

This is a dynamic that his parents created and have actively been and remain a part of. Your H has been told since childhood not to upset his parents in any way because Bad Things will happen otherwise and to put his own needs and wants dead last; it's the Special Training. The only people who tend to bother with people like your in-laws are the adult children of same.

As a result when they went onto have families themselves the golden child is further favoured whilst the scapegoats family unit is further scapegoated. That is also why his parents deliberately forgot your DDs birthday card, she is a scapegoat too as are all of you as a part of your H's family unit. The golden child role is a role also not without price either though his brother and family are unaware of that.

Your H needs therapy re his dysfunctional family and his inertia when it comes to them hurts him as much as you people as his own family unit. He is also mired in FOG - fear, obligation and guilt and those are three buttons his parents installed in him. He seeks their approval even now, not that they would ever give this to him.

I would stay well away from them going forward. It may be that he wants to have a relationship with them but that does not mean that you and your children have to do so . If your own parents are nice and importantly emotionally healthy I would further concentrate my resources on them.

This sums it up so well! He is 1 of 3 and he has always been the scapegoat you mention and I’ve mentioned to him before he needs to stop trying to please them. Since we had our kids things shifted slightly for him and he puts us first, but he still won’t rock their boat. My relationship with my mum is okay, I’m not the favourite but I will stand up and tell her when I’m not happy and she will make an effort to change. Whereas my father was a nasty person so I cut him off. I always feel like I shouldn’t stop the girls having a relationship with them but maybe that’s where I’m going wrong still allowing it. Definitely food for thought but your explanation is spot on.

Sounds like a very similar story to my in-laws. Even down to forgetting my sons birthday. We only ever saw them once or twice a yr come the end. The brothers son was definitely the golden child & they said he was more like a son when it all blew up one night. A lot of things were said that I can never forgive & have been no contact for 7yrs now. It’s been bliss! My husband still only visited a few times a yr until his dad died a few yrs ago & now he see’s his mum once a wk. He’s always chasing around after her (weaponised incompetence) & he falls for it. It does make me annoyed that he’s fallen for her big act, but I just have to suck it up.

Sorry you are going through similar but really glad to hear that you’re happy now you don’t see them. My husband is like that saying he doesn’t want to cut all ties because he doesn’t want to regret it when they’re no longer here but equally he didn’t even register they hadn’t messaged until I asked him because of how little we see them. I would happily cut them off and not see them but I’m also 31w pregnant and I know once dc3 is here, they’ll want to meet him so they can say they have 🙄 maybe after that we can fade into the background and not see them again. Dc2 didn’t see them for 18 months before they came at Xmas as she was ill last Xmas when my husband took dc1 to see them, who they upset while there.

Make no effort whatsoever.
Leave the relationship completely to your husband.
Suggest he get some counselling.
It must be hard to have respect for and find attractive a man who chases after people who don't care about him and treat him badly.

I am very attracted to my husband and have a lot of respect for him. I do agree that he needs counselling though because he doesn’t want to deal with anything that has gone on and doesn’t have the confidence to stand up to his mother. In every other area of his life he will stand up for himself and for me and our children. Part of the reason the relationship with her has been strained is because he stood up to her once when she openly bad mouthed me and blamed me for something I didn’t do. Since then she’s gone about everything in a snide and indirect way to avoid pushing him that bit too far when he will stand up to them. He just wants to keep the peace and have them in his life rather than no relationship at all. But thank you for her view.

I can see why your husband wants to keep them in his life, cutting contacts is not that easy as social media make it out to be. I personally would leave it to him but never make an effort with them myself. Maybe a couple of smartshow 3d slideshows for their birthdays if there are anniversaries, or nothing at all. He's free to do whatever he feels like doing in order to keep the peace, but don't let that affect you or your DD. It's not about either of you, it's about them.

So a week later… MIL messaged husband out the blue to ask how I am (currently 32w pregnant), odd that she’s asking as she’s not once asked up until this point and she has my number so is odd why messaging him. Then I realised it’s off the back of husband messaging his sister asking how she was as she’s pregnant with baby number 1 so MIL must have found out and felt obligated. No mention of DD2 birthday. Husband couldn’t decide how he wanted to answer so ignored if. It’s now his brother’s wife’s birthday and they’ve all messaged in the family group wishing her a happy birthday… husband is totally livid and has left the family group! Not sure whether he will just ignore them or speak up if they approach but I feel like it’s a step forward for him (it may be small but it’s a step forward!!!)