Did your narcissistic partner get in intense rages with you?

[ChicLilacSeal]

I know the N word is used a lot these days, but it was someone in our circle who pegged my STBX husband as a narcissist, and when I read up on it, the covert narcissist really seemed to fit him.

I've just come across some emails from him of a few years ago, and they've really upset me. The intensity of the negativity about me is just off the scale. The hatred, the accusations, it's just terrible. Anyone reading them would think I'm the worst person ever.

And then there's a much calmer, nicer one where he takes a lot of responsibility and says lots of good things about me.

Once, about seven months before we married, when we were still long-distance, we had an argument and he sent me this absolute diatribe. I'm not kidding, I think it was about 6,000 words long.

Reading them makes me feel sick.

Is this part of the narcissistic experience?

Why on earth would you marry someone who sent a 6000 word diatribe about how awful you are? My worst enemy has never done anything remotely that terriible.

My sister has done this to me (and the entire family). We think she is likely a victim narcissist.

As for why someone would still marry someone like that, because they grind you down, they are very good at making you believe you are the problem, they target people they can victimise, and so on.

I was young and stupid. And it was out of character for him - I thought, at that time.

Yes, and they spend lots and lots of time being really lovely, too.

Yes, to them making you feel like you are the problem. I feel that all over again, looking at those emails. But I've lived with other people, like my mum and my four uni flatmates, and two separate flatmates in London, and I've never inspired such intense negativity in anyone else.

So your sister would send you emails full of vitriol, ripping you apart?

Yes. They both did - and so did my definitely NPD boss and my so-called best friend (I have plenty of experience!) I'm actually surprised you ask, OP, it's standard behaviour for abusive weirdos as you must know.

Why did you ask?

Yes, to all of us. And on the phone with our mum as well (I refuse to speak with my sister on the phone). My mum would be crying afterwards. She would say the most hateful things but feel 100% justified in doing so. No remorse whatsoever. And yes she can be lovely and giving as well. It’s a head fuck.

I came across the messages tonight, while looking for something else. They were pretty triggering.

I've only had a longterm committed relationship with him, so I don't have much to go on. They're so personal that I read them and think maybe it WAS me, and they make me not like myself. But I'm trying to remember that no one else in my whole life has ever sent me emails like that.

I might have said things to provoke it, but to be fair, he had walked out on me because he said I was too fat for him. He bullied me about my weight for years, and then left me abruptly one day because I had pesto in the fridge, because it's fattening. I went out for an hour, came home, and he had his bags packed, and he left.

Yes, a total head fuck. And reading those emails, I also think he felt completely justified.

You realise these rages are never about you specifically, right? They're about how the weirdo feels about himself and/or his place in the world; he's just fixated on you as an appropriate target for his angst, rage and disappointment.

A woman once spent 12 minutes spitting invective at me, ranting about how women like me are the cause of everything bad, telling me all about myself and all my wrong opinions, how I continually harmed her in my daily life.

I had never seen this woman before, she was a complete stranger. I waited for her to get it all out, then said "OK" and she stomped away.

Never underestimate the amount of crazy in this world!

On reading the emails again, they are so personal that they DO make me feel like it must be at least partly my fault. But what you say about me being the target does ring true. He's pretty messed up.

What an odd woman!

I had pesto in the fridge, because it's fattening. I went out for an hour, came home, and he had his bags packed

With due apologies ... 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

You are SO going to enjoy telling people "We broke up because I bought pesto"!

Sounds like he'd finally got a replacement target / saviour / placeholder lined up. They can't cope without one. Pity her. (I do.)

I know, it sounds cartoonishly ridiculous, doesn't it!

But sadly, it was the culmination of years of bullying about my weight. And he used to try to make me wear skirts, too, which I don't feel comfortable in. In one of his nasty emails, he says:

"You know I like skirts, so you apparently refuse to wear them. Gee whiz, I can't tell you what to do! I guess 'you win.' What on earth?"

I told him once that I did not feel comfortable in skirts, and he said, "The thing is, I really like skirts." Translation: I am going to make a big thing of this and am not going to stop trying to make you wear them.

But when my father died, he was there for me. Came to the care home when Dad's partner and my sister would not. If not for him, I'd have been alone as my father suffered and died in his last few hours.

In the years we lived together, he must have given me the silent treatment for no apparent reason hundreds of times. Remembering that makes me feel a bit better, as it indicates that the problem probably lies more with him than with me.

Oh, love, I'm glad he was there for you when your dad died. Even if it was only because that was on his (no doubt rather short) mental list of "Things I know good people do for their partners". When you need a hand-hold, you need a hand to hold.

Mine turned up to my dad's funeral and did, indeed, hold my hand. Half an hour later, he fucked off to some jolly he'd not mentioned before - apparently my parents' house was on the way so the funeral dovetailed nicely with his plans!

Good to see you recognise how ridiculous yours was to assume your only reason for disliking skirts was to piss him off 😂 I agree you had an actual narcissist there - utterly unable to comprehend that anything might not be about him. They don't see other people as living, breathing individuals with minds of our own: they are genuinely incapable of it, it's a brain glitch.

I'm finding your messages very comforting, @Garlicnorth. You seem to be very sorted about these people. Thing is, when I read those emails, all this time later I STILL feel a bit like some of it must be my fault. Why didn't I just wear skirts to make him happy? (I became very overweight in that miserable marriage, and they looked terrible on me.)

He has suffered from horrendous depression his whole life, and I finally realized that it was a physical issue, helped him go to a psychiatrist, and he was properly diagnosed and put on Prozac at night and Welbutrin in the morning. He was much better after being on them, and frequently expressed how grateful he was that I saw it and helped him. But this is what he had to say about it in these emails:

"I'm on two kinds of pills so I can be more like your idea of what you want. You've done a very good job of making me feel worthless."

Sigh.

@Garlicnorth That's interesting what you say about his cosplaying good things that people do. I have found it confusing how he can do good things like that, and have been so horrible to me over the years too.

He left the day after the funeral, when I could have still done with the company, and I haven't seen him since, almost four months ago. He texts, but never calls. (We are longterm separated, and I'm trying to keep things amicable for the divorce later this year.)

They are poison pen letters from a sick and twisted mind. You should delete all of them.

Thank you. Yes, poison pen letters is a good way to look at them. I'm keeping them for now in case they turn out to be useful in the divorce. But I wish I could delete them. Maybe I should anyway.

Yup ... sigh. Would you like a rough translation?

"You saw there was something wrong with me and I'm terrified of needing a psychiatrist, so I can't forgive you for spotting a problem. But the pills have made me feel better. I'll grudgingly thank you for that if I must. Here's the thing, though: they haven't made everything better. The world still does not bend to my every whim; I am still angry, disappointed and afraid of insignificance. Your remedies have failed! I'm still not Emperor Of The Universe. In dark moments I fear I'm just an average guy on antidepressants. This can't be my fault, so it must be yours."

Well done on trying to keep things amicable - and good luck! My best advice before I log off is: As far as possible, keep your replies minimal and neutral. You may need little more than OK, Understood, and I see.

If you're going to have to battle over property or money, you might need some stronger strategies and women here have some superb advice to share. I let mine go without a financial settlement as he was furious at being required to disclose, and I was knackered by it all. But I didn't have Mumsnet back then!

Thank you so much. I'm also too scared to insist on disclosure etc.

Great translation!

Goodnight!

I think the thing is, it might feel like there is a grain of truth in some of the points because, you know what, you're not perfect. No one is in fact. There are always going to be little things in everyone's body, character, habits that could annoy someone and could be picked on.
But that doesn't mean they should be picked on. And also doesn't mean that you need to do anything about changing them. They are probably tiny things in the grand scheme of things. And also, just because they were a problem for him, doesn't mean they are a problem for someone else, so it's completely subjective.

The thing is, someone who actually cares and loves you, will see you as a complete person and have a balanced view of who you are and why they like and love you. I mean I'm sure you don't like every aspect of some of the people in your life, but that doesn't mean you feel it's right to send them a letter about all their faults. Because you accept them as they are and you appreciate the full picture.
A narcissist is incapable of this. Your ex was at fault, you've done nothing wrong, nothing unforgivable and nothing to warrant such a crap letter. That was all him being completely unreasonable and plain mean.

Also he left the day after the funeral, over a tub of pesto? He may have held your hand at the care home, but clearly the feelings of wanting to be there for you in this difficult time didn't run that deep if he left the day after the funeral?

Thank you for such a kind reply. Yes, it's true that I am not perfect. I was much younger then, when we were still living together, and I reacted in some less than helpful ways to his silent treatments and anger.

Sorry, when I say "left," I mean left my family home after the funeral. When he left our marriage over the pesto it was quite some time before that. We've had a long separation, firstly trying to repair things, and we were going to divorce but then my dad became ill.