Terrible start to 2025

[Disaster2025]

As so many of these threads start - can't believe I am typing this. Found out today husband of nearly 20 years has been cheating. We have a house, and a four year old. I am beside myself, had not even the slightest inkling.
No idea how to go from here. Totally devastated. The thought of "sharing" my child is ripping me to shreds. Can't sleep, no idea how to cope with work tomorrow.

Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry. First things first: hot sweet tea for the shock. Second of all - you will be ok x

That’s awful news .., I am so sorry! I take it that you found out by mistake today or he has confessed? Neither way makes it any easier.

Found out by mistake today, went digging and found out more than I wish I knew. I confronted him and he admitted immediately and is incredibly remorseful which is something I suppose. Wishing I hadn't done any digging to be honest, feel physically ill
What a cliche

I'm so sorry. You and your child do not deserve this.

Book tomorrow off. Hopefully you have an understanding manager.

You will need to make some incredibly tough decisions and considerations. Based on extensive Mumsnet reading, they might include:

• do you want to leave him? (Is cheating your absolute bottom line?)
• are you prepared to listen to his excuses / reasons? (Are you clear about the facts?)
• are you prepared for 'the script' (read chumplady)
• are you going to tell people so that you have a network of support?
• are you prepared for him to turn nasty if the script doesn't work on you?
• who will leave the house: you and your child, or him?
• how will you arrange access for him?

Take care of yourself right now x

Thank you, I feel entirely inept to make those decisions. I am so sad for my child.

I dont want to leave him, but it wasn't a one off and so i don't see how I can move on from that. More complicated is that I am having some surgery soon which I will need support for, both me and childcare. I cant afford the house on my own, neither can he, although both in well paid jobs.

We had an extensive talk, the reasons were cliche - we have had a hard few years (MC, other life trauma etc) - difference was I thought we were battling through as a team, whilst acknowledging things were hard. Not sure there is much else for me to know or hear.

I did tell a friend then immediately deleted the message. Unbelievably I desperately don't want people to think bad of him?!

@Disaster2025 you dont have to make any decisions right now. You will get a lot of good advice on here so use the support. As a pp said, try and book tomorrow off.
Be careful about his “remorse” though which has only come through you finding out today. He would have happily carried on. Usually the regret is losing home comforts / money ect so be wary of the crocodile tears. Op he is no longer the man you thought he was - he’s not your friend, please treat him with caution and contempt. If you are going to keep him, make him beg and jump through hoops and then some more!

I'm so sorry, what a shock.

I think I would look at individual counselling, this is not something that's easy to forgive for many.

Of courde he is remorseful...he's been found! Hadn't you found out by chance, he would not be remorseful, would he? He would continue happily cheating on you.

Take some time for yourself, to process what has happened and make decisions that are good for you and your child. I would recommend kicking him out and no contact till you feel ready.

What a horrid situation, I am so sorry.

Thank you. I am still awake, so no way I can go to work tomorrow. He is sound asleep!

What you are both saying about remorse feels very hard, I cant cope with the fact that he is this person! He has always been a good guy, everyone is going to be so shocked by it.

I feel physically ill

I'm so sorry, it is a terrible shock and feels like the world has been ripped out from underneath you. Finding out about infidelity is a trauma so please look after yourself and treat it as such.

You absolutely don't have to make any decisions. You need to be able to find some emotional distance. Google the 180 and surviving infidelity and there's a tool to just help you find some air. Their just found out forum and resources sections are excellent and will support you if need be.

Get a copy of 'leave a cheater gain a life' because even if you decide to stay it does help you understand the patterns, causes and behaviours he is showing and likely will continue to show. It'll prevent you falling into the position of trying to win this man back. None of this is your fault, he has basically used an affair as a sticking plaster for his issues, it is entirely selfish and entitled.

As a previous poster has said do not trust remorse. He has been pulling in ego kibbles and validation from this affair and will be getting highs from it. As the dust settles he's very likely to seek this again. True remorse takes a longtime, absolutely zero contact and a willingness to do anything to help you heal.

Again I'm so sorry, you deserve better than who he is right now.

OP, you have to be practical. If you need his support to get you through recovery from surgery, you may have to postpone making decisions till you’re back on your feet. Don’t burn your boats while you still need them. You don’t owe him honesty or anything else right now. Let him think you’re open to staying together, even if you’re not.

I’m sorry you’re going through this, and I hope everything goes well with your operation.

I'm so sorry OP. I hope you manage a few scraps of sleep. Betrayal is, as someone else said, really bloody traumatic. Can you take a few days off work to think things over?

Re the surgery, I guess for that you might just have to let him do the practical support part if you've no family to help. There's no dressing this up, it's going to be awful for a while yet.

I'd really recommend telling at least one person you thoroughly trust about it.

Sorry about my comment about remorse but I only said it just so you can protect yourself in the next few days / weeks / months. Betrayal is the worst feeling, like a carpet has been ripped from under you.
As a pp suggested, is there one person you can tell in rl to support you. With surgery coming up in makes you extra vulnerable.

No I appreciated the honesty! It is just hard to read.
I think we will have to portray some level of normal until I am recovered, as I don't have enough support to do otherwise. Obviously I will revisit this if it is a complete disaster.
I appreciate everyone's time and thoughts, it helped keeped my going overnight. Also appreciate the links to other sources of info.
I have told my best friend which was very hard, but she will be great.