Difficulty with mum about pregnancy

[Nollybolly6]

I found out a while back that I was unexpectedly pregnant (have 2 DC already) It wouldn’t have been planned as earlier in the year me and my husband weren’t getting on (and my mum knew this).

Previously we have been very close, talking almost daily and she is normally someone I tell most things too. She loving and kind but can be quite theatrical, emotional and hysterical. It’s just something you have to take the good with the bad. I suppose I’m only seeing her for these traits recently as I used to think she was more normal growing up. (I’m 30s she’s 60s but acts childish a fair bit of the time).

When my mum found out I was pregnant she immediately got very opinionated telling me I mustn’t be so selfish and keep the baby, my only option was to terminate. She kept crying hysterically and saying think of my current children, I was going to ruin their lives by putting my husband under undue stress and it would break our family up (admittedly a real possibility).

I didn’t ask for her opinion on the pregnancy and kept saying I was thinking it over and I would decide, I didn’t need her decision. She didn’t listen and her opinion was relentless.
She also said she had to terminate her third child due to us living in poverty (not true, we did have to be careful with money in my childhood but never poverty). It sounds awful but I’m not sure I believe her about her abortion as she has a history of telling some huge whopping lies if she feels this embellishment helps make her point. If the lies are ever uncovered she is never embarrassed and shrugs it off.

I had no choice but to go text only on our relationship for around 6 weeks. I text her that I loved her but couldn’t talk while she wasn’t respecting my life choices. Me and DH decided to keep our baby due in the spring.

Im talking to my mum again but choosing to focus on other topics, more neutral and light chat. She keeps asking how my pregnancy is going and have I felt kick yet, what name are we thinking of?
I just say find and change topics. I feel repulsed by her bringing up my pregnancy. I can’t explain it. I don’t want to talk about my baby who she kept saying get rid get rid get rid, it’s just a bunch of cells. I feel protective. I hate myself for shutting her out of my pregnancy when last time I would have told her everything.

im wondering if deep down im trying to punish her for the pressure and stress she put me under before. I don’t want to have these toxic feelings. I also feel upset about the idea of her even holding our new baby and I know that’s not healthy.

How can I reprogram how I feel? I guess people will reply with therapy?

Just want to hear other people’s thoughts. I’m not even looking for validation on how I feel, I want to get past how I feel now. I don’t think talking it out with her will work as she will probably cry hysterically saying all she’s ever wanted is the best for me etc.

I've just posted something similar but not as bad regarding my own parents behaviour about my pregnancy which was also unexpected and my opinion is that you shouldn't have to "reprogram yourself".

Your mother was really disgraceful towards you and that's all there is to it, she had no right to say anything she said and get hysterical and keep insisting you terminated, I would be absolutely beside myself.

She should apologise unreservedly and tell her that she is really sorry she projected onto you that way, but if she's anything like my parents, she probably never will and you'll always have to accept the idea of her "never being in the wrong". My mother also embellishes stories although at least she hasn't done it with my pregnancy situation, but it is immature and I also find it repulsive. I love my mum as well and it is so hard because you love them but they leave you with no choice but to kind of just cut them out of the equation due to their behaviour.

I just honestly think you should stop trying to reframe your thinking on the situation and remember that your mother has responsibility for her behaviour as well, and autonomy over what she says/doesn't say. This is not your fault.

Why did you call your mother loving and kind?. Her actions are all about her and are anything but towards you.

Loving and kind people are also not generally theatrical, turning on the tears at the drop of a hat or hysterical. I would read about NPD in respect of your mother and see how much of this fits in with her personality.

Do not set yourself on fire to keep her warm. Your feelings are completely valid and she’s just made your pregnancy all about her and her issues around it. And no she has not wanted the best for you. Such people never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions,

Read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward.

When you told your mum about your unplanned pregnancy, her response should have been 'whatever you decide to do, I will support you'. She should have not told you to abort your baby as that is a decision for you and your DH to make.

She does sound pretty manipulative with her hysterical crying, telling you that you are ruining your children's lives and telling lies to make her point more compelling. I certainly wouldn't describe her as loving and kind.

If you feel the need to pull back from her, just do it. She can't expect you to just carry on as if she hadn't said those awful things.