Would like a relationship but don't feel I have the time for one

[Jamgingerbread]

Don't know what I'm doing wrong, but I just don't feel I have time for a relationship! I'm late forties and separated from my ex DH a year ago.

I have the dc (both teenagers) for the majority of the time, and do all the sorting out of their lives, school admin, social activities etc with them. I also work 4 days a week. The house we are in is the "family home" and is quite old and seems to need a lot of maintenance. So my time off is spent catching up with housework, maintenance etc, doing stuff with dc, trying to exercise, spend time with friends and family when I can. I have ADHD (I think autistic traits too) and really need down time and time on my own otherwise I get burned out, so I have to fit that in as well!

My question is, how does anyone fit in a relationship?! I honestly can't see how I would have the time to devote to it. I really miss being in a relationship, the intimacy and everything else, and would love to be in one. I actually met a guy a few months ago (by chance, not on a dating app or anything). There was a real spark, and he asked if I wanted to meet up for coffee but I said no as I was feeling overwhelmed with everything else in my life and I just couldn't see how I would fit it in. Also he lives a few hours from me, so that's another thing, I think with how busy life is, it would only work with someone local.

I know obviously people meet people and have relationships at this stage of life, I just don't know if there's any hope for me, because of how I am!

I coupled up at 30 and found someone perfect for me. We enjoy each others company but both need time alone. Last night after a day together, brunch, walk, shopping we went to our seperate rooms for 2.5 hours and did what we wanted and then agreed to meet up at 10pm to watch tv.

Now obviously your life is more complex and your at a different stage of life due to teens. But there must be people out there like you who need time alone.

I ask what do your teens do? Mine had chores always. For instance DS did his own washing from 14 and I never set foot in his room as he had to clean it.

How have you managed thus far in your life, single and celibate?

You may be compatible with someone who has similar neurodivergent tendencies who has similar world views and struggles. Basically someone who would more naturally understand you and fall into step.

What you are describing is perhaps a part time (or even a fraction time) lover?

Your needs are something that would need to be agreed upon and negotiated at the outset, otherwise it could be a recipe for confusion and disaster.

Get a boyfriend not a partner. I have one I see once a week - we go out for dinner or drinks then shag and go and live our separate lives the rest of the week

@ViciousCurrentBun That sounds a good relationship, where you spend time together but both like your time alone. That's definitely what I'd want too!

My teens do do chores, I think the main overwhelming thing for me is being in a biggish house that needs a lot of work and renovation doing to it (my ex and I bought the house together, as a renovation project. We thought we would slowly do it up over the years and stay here forever, but obviously plans have now changed!)

@Musicalgeometry I've been single and celibate for a year and to be honest I've been loving many aspects of it - mainly the freedom and autonomy! But I do feel lonely at times and would love to have someone to go out with/ be close with etc.

I think you've hit the nail on the head by saying I would probably be best off with someone else who has similar neurodivergent tendencies. In fact that's probably the only way it could work. I find that even friends can get hurt by my need for alone time, even though I have explained so many times that's its not that I don't want to spend time with them, I just get stressed and burnt out if I'm with people all the time. And if a partner didn't understand this, as you say, it would be a recipe for disaster!

I think being neurodivergent is the main issue here, as I know a lot of neurotypical people could be in this situation and still manage to date or have a partner without feeling overwhelmed.

Yes a part time, or fraction time lover would be perfect! 🤣

@catin8oots yes I think that's the type of thing I would want!

It's the best. I'm 44 post divorce, two kids 25 and 14. Last thing I would ever want is a bloke cluttering up my house and shitting in my toilet.

I get adult company and I get railed once a week with no complications 😀

Seeking a diagnosis might be helpful to being taken more seriously about your struggles by people in both your professional and personal life.
The main use of a formal diagnosis would be to provide you with “reasonable adjustments” so as to reduce your feelings of burnout or overwhelm.
Whichever treatments you are offered might also be helpful in staying on top of your affairs so they no longer feel as daunting or as heavy.

Have you thought about posting on the neurodiverse forums here?

Your life as you describe it is pretty typical, and shouldn’t really be the stated reason why you can’t manage what sounded like a rather good and fairly straightforward relationship.

How did you get through living with a partner and raising children together? That sounds a far more difficult than a retired older man who enjoys spending regular time with you!

What was the relationship like between your parents, what was their relationship like with you? Do you think any of that affected how you view relationships?

@Musicalgeometry Thanks. I have actually got an ADHD diagnosis but couldn't take the meds (tried a few different ones) due to side effects. So I just try to manage my lifestyle really. But I still feel that I can't manage as much as neurotypical people, which is why I'm feeling frustrated. The desire is there to have a relationship, but with kids, work, the house and everything else, I just don't see how I could do it. When I feel I have too many balls in the air I start to feel anxious. I just don't feel I can deal with everything.

But I also think I sometimes have self limiting beliefs. Your questions have made me think about these. Re living with my ex and raising children - it was very difficult at times, partly because my ex was not very hands on or practical when the dc were small. He was very focussed on himself and his own needs. I also found the lack of space and lack of time to myself very difficult.

The relationship between my parents was not good - my dad is on the autistic spectrum and was totally disengaged from the family. He ended up leaving us when I was a teen. My mum devoted herself to us children (I have 3 siblings), had to work hard to provide for us, and was never interested in another relationship with a man.

I'm wondering if my childhood situation has something to do with how I'm feeling? My siblings and I have always acknowledged that our mum dedicated herself to us, and that it may have been harder for us if she'd had another relationship (blended families etc). Maybe I'm feeling that I "can't" have another relationship, as that wasn't modelled to me.

Hmmm, a lot to think about!