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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Prostitutes, what kind of man uses them?

27 replies

warmsummersday · 04/05/2008 20:41

Hi. There has probably been so many posts on this type of subject but here goes.......

DP works in Germany mon- fri, I have found it hard in the past, I am a very insecure person and I am trying so hard to get out of being insecure and start having some respect for myself which I am doing really well at. I trust him 100% and sometimes I do feel it is hard on our relationship. He is a very quiet person and very tight (doesn't like to pay out for anything apart from cars!) I know the type of women he find attractive, sofisticated women!

There was a message I read once to one of his friends (who is french and abit of a wild man IYSWIM!) saying it's abit boring but there is a big red light district. Now I really don't think DP would touch one and im sure I would know if something had happened by his ways at the weekends, wouldn't you? I just think if something similar happened to me I would feel so guilty and probably wouldn't function very well and he is very similar to me.

I think of these women to be dirty and not very good looking etc and really couldn't imagine he would go for that.

Thanks for reading, hope im just thinking too much. As I said i trust him, been together 10 years.

Also do people think it's kind of hereditary to have affairs? See my mum and dad split, had affairs etc and I guess in a way i would be the one more inclined to do it (but would never), his parents still together, stick through thick and thin. What's your views?

OP posts:
Original poster
warmsummersday · 04/05/2008 20:43

Oh and forgot to add, one would imagine he 'bigs' himself up when talking to certain friends and then other friends he wouldn't talk about certain things to. Men like to big thenselves up don't they!

OP posts:
jabuti · 04/05/2008 20:57

are you serious about considering the possibility of affairs being a hereditary thing?

Original poster
warmsummersday · 04/05/2008 21:07

Not hereditary but I see it as how they were brought up. I had a very unstable childhood and have caused alot of problems for DP and myself in the past and have tried to do things that I have seen my mum do and think that it's ok. I was only 17 when met DP and didn't really have a long term relationship before him. I have left him many of times but I think that is because I have seen my mum walk out and give up. DP on the other hand had a very stable childhood, parents stuck together and he has never thought about leaving me. I just meant I think you follow in your parents footsteps in some ways, although I am not going to follow in my parents as I don't want to end up like them!

OP posts:
jabuti · 04/05/2008 21:37

that's right, you may have being 'inspired' by their behavior but now you know better and you can choose to do completely different. stick with that thought!

Original poster
warmsummersday · 04/05/2008 21:38

Yes I am! Don't want to go the way they went. thanks for replying.

OP posts:
jabuti · 04/05/2008 21:43

stay around, im sure others will come around to reply to the other bits of your post

expatinscotland · 04/05/2008 21:45

Is hiring a prossie for sex the same as an affair?

Original poster
warmsummersday · 04/05/2008 22:02

I don't think hiring a prossie is the same as an affair no. I don't think DP would do either really though.

OP posts:
jasper · 04/05/2008 22:28

In answer to your question, all different kinds of men.

Twoddle · 05/05/2008 01:34

Yep. All different kinds of men. My now XP - the consumate family man for most of our relationship, though with a roving eye - slept with one on a stag do two years ago. We saw Relate, dealt with it fairly well (or so I thought - I don't think I even probed how much it hurt me) and moved on. We separated permanently six months ago, and I found out that in the month before us separating, he had slept with two in one go. He'd told us he'd be in London for the night on business. His reasons for doing so have changed - spite, because he wanted to, etc. I still don't understand it. I don't know if he does.

So, while I always knew he's a bit of a ladies' man - flirts a bit blatantly and can't hide it when he's attracted to someone - I never thought he'd do what he did in such a sober, calculated fashion.

XP is still seeing one of the threesome prostitutes, casually and for free. He went on holiday with her a few months back! Could never have seen this coming although, as I said, there'd been that roving eye there for a long time.

God I hope DS doesn't look to his dad as a role model.

Twoddle · 05/05/2008 01:49

Just realised my previous post wasn't very helpful. Sorry.

FWIW, XP did frequent strip clubs a fair bit in the year or two before the prostitute thing kicked off. I was under the impression that this was a fairly key part of networking within the industry he's in. I have since been told that he was keener than most.

Also, on the stag do when XP slept with a prostitute, I know that two other guys did, too. There were six guys on the stag do, so that's 50%! All three with partners/kids, too. However, I would emphasise that the ones who didn't stray were the ones I'd have thought would be loyal. If you believe your husband is the sort of person who will be faithful, I'd trust in that and get on with enjoying the life you have together. Too much insecurity on your part could damage the relationship in its own way.

HTH

dividedself · 05/05/2008 01:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Twoddle · 05/05/2008 02:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

solo · 05/05/2008 02:48

All kinds do!!!

littlewoman · 05/05/2008 02:59

Stop looking for sticks to beat yourself with, WSD. Having had a philanderer (and it seems they're not that uncommon), I'd rather not have known and kept my family together, than to go around looking for evidence and finding it - thus forcing me to do something about it (like divorce him). Believe in your husband and your strong family unit, until you are proved wrong, but don't go looking to be proved wrong, would be my advice.

Yes, they do all boast and say silly things. They're boys, after all

Alexa808 · 05/05/2008 03:31

Men from all walks of life use prostitutes. Apart from the oes that can't pull a 'normal' girl in a bar and have to pay for sex I've noticed, that many men will have sex with prostitutes because it's a business transaction: I pay, you let me do whatever I want, no strings attached, no sms or messy calls afterwards. They slip it on like a glove and discard the girls as it pleases. Affairs or even one-night-stands can easily mess their happy family life up so using an escort is very straightforward.

WSD, I'd like to point out, that as much as I've seen the hollow and ravished features of drug riddled steet girls doing it for a tenner I have seen and spoken to exquisitely beautiful and well-educated escorts who can command something around £700,- per hour and a few thousand quid per night. In Belgravia or Mayfair you can see them swanning around going to KX gym, beauty salons and hair dressers during the day till the evening descends and they entertain the guy that's made them a kept woman or they are being chauffeured to hotels and parties.

Our neighbour in a very good district in London who's a head of a trading department globally has had a string of GFs that were strippers (offering sex on the side to make more £££) and is now happily living with a porn star and doesn't mind people knowing about her acting name and specialities (anal and double pen). He earns loads of money, lives the dream and is very level headed in business and good fun. He's just into those sort of girls. Deep down inside he's a commitment phobe and by paying the girls a monthly salary or by the hour gives him a sense of control over them and that he always keeps them beneath the hand that's doling out the money.

To sum it up: it's a control thing. No strings sex and no emotional involvement combined with a pretty face&body and ready for everything attitude with no complains no matter what the guy wants (a** to mouth, poking around or kinky requests) are quite alluring for some men.

Most of the girls are absolute professionals, they want the £££ and him to get the hell out when he's done. Would rate them as a lower risk than any affair or personal one night stand. They know their place and stay there.

littlewoman · 05/05/2008 03:45

OMG, what stupid bastard wrote that Cinderella fairy story for us women to swallow? Horribly depressing post, Alexa. Thank you for sharing

Alexa808 · 05/05/2008 06:03

Sorry LW, but it's the truth. He lives 2 doors down and it never ceases to amaze me how a guy like this can fall for all of these women, some of which I met.

I guess I just wanted to say that not all prostitutes are ugly, drug addled and diseased non-entities. I heard more and more stories about girls financing their university studies with being escorts on the side. I guess it depends what sort of moral upbringing you had.

Sorry, but cannot advise re your DH, DWS. An ex BF of mine witnessed his father cheating on his Mum. She kicked im out and raised the 2 kids without him. He vowed never ever to do this to a woman. Only to lie to me when he ended our engagement and as it turned out had parallel been seeing another girl for a while.

elportodelgato · 05/05/2008 07:36

I have 2 male friends who have told me they have used prostitutes. One went to one in Amsterdam just "because it was there" - it was an experience which was on offer and affordable and he wanted to know what it would be like. The second friend has admitted he has a "weakness" for them and has used them when on holiday. Both men are now happily married, the second one has a little daughter now, is an upstanding member of the community and heavily involved in the church ()

I'm sure they both feel a bit guilty about what they have done and would like to distance themselves from this aspect of their past (and I am 100% positive their wives know nothing about it).

What I could never get my head around was how they could use the women in that way KNOWING that many of them, esp abroad, are little more than slaves who have been sold into the industry and have no interest in the work at all. I know there are a very few high class hookers out there, but if you look at the stats, the majority don't want to be doing it, are drug addicts and / or have been sexually abused in their past, plus a significant proportion have been trafficked across Europe as slaves. I think if these very ordinary men who use them thought about the facts of the industry they are supporting they would be full of self-loathing, but perhaps that's the point - men only think with their dicks!

Original poster
warmsummersday · 05/05/2008 08:20

Thanks everyone, especially littlewoman. That is right, I should stop snooping around, it's just it's so hard not to when I don't know what he does all week, he reassures me he goes home and I do believe him.

I know a friend's friend's husband, that has 2 teenage girls, he sh@gs these type of women and goes to Thailand....... he has a high sex drive and his wife knows [shocked]!

My DP is not really a ladies man, never flirts and doesn't have a very high sex drive, me on the other hand..............!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Think I will stop reading now as it will send my brain into turmoil!

OP posts:
Weegiemum · 05/05/2008 11:16

I did an essay on this for my degree recently and a couple of newspaper articles were helpful. Its a ghastly trade and I have to say that having looked in to it further I would have no respect or tolerance for any man who chose to be involved in anything to do with prostitution, (not that I would have before, but now my tolerance would be far less).

look at this and this

I used the Herald as I was looking at the Scottish urban context, but I am sure you could pick info like this up all over the UK.

Twoddle · 05/05/2008 12:57

Alexa808, insightful post. If your childless neighbour makes those choices, and all parties are happy, I'm kind of OK with it (don't like the controlling dimension, but if the woman's happy ...). What I take issue with is my XP opting for this lifestyle after an 11-year "commitment" to me and as a father to our three-year-old son. What a sh*t example he's setting. I really cannot believe it.

warmsummersday, I'm with littlewoman on this. If you have no reason to doubt your husband, focus on all the best bits, invest in your marriage and enjoy it.

Alexa808 · 05/05/2008 13:13

Twoddle, you are darn right to demand nothing less.

Yes our neighbour is childless (thank god - what a role model would that be) and doesn't want to get married because 'it's messy'.

littlewoman · 05/05/2008 13:21

Can't be any more messy than anal to oral sex . Ughh, I've grossed myself out there. Sorry about that.

Hope you feel a bit better, WSD. From what you say, it seems as though you miss the physical side of the relationship when he is gone, and you may be projecting this onto him? Especially seeing as he has a lower sex drive than you and doesn't flirt. I don't think you have much to worry about, despite his 'boys will be boys' comment. He may have said this to his friend because he knows THE FRIEND has used prostitutes before? (An aha moment from LW!!)

Don't worry be happy

Twoddle · 05/05/2008 13:25

Crap, isn't it? There are two "right" things to do here: (1) enable DS to see his dad as much as possible; (2) teach DS morals, empathy, responsibility, loyalty and to respect women. And they seem mutually exclusive.

Alexa, your X's behaviour scares the hell out of me: I do not want DS to become that person, who hated what his dad did and yet goes on to do the same. It is recognised that however much we may have hated our parents' behaviours and habits, we are destined to repeat a lot of them. Argh.

Sorry to hijack, WSD. I don't think you have anything to worry about.