Judging me by his standards.

[BerryMummypudding]

So I'm getting really fed up with my husband. He says things like "don't take this the wrong way" or "not meaning to be rude but"

Yesterday I was talking about sending a care package to a family member we don't see very often who is going to hospital. He said it would be weird and I was only sending it to make myself look good!

I was really hurt by this. I try and do my best for our family I never put myself first and I do it because I love them! Not because it makes me look good!

I'm pretty sure he only does what he thinks is expected of him in terms of his family and that's what he meant. But I feel he regularly judges me based on his standards.

Help me approach this with I'm. How do I discuss it. I am hurt by this last comment.

The bit where he says you’re doing it to look good. That’s a confession of his reasoning. Also it’s the sort of thing you would say to someone you don’t like. Do you have other instances where kindness and goodness have irritated him?

Have you spoken to this person who is going into hospital about you sending a care package?. If yes you could have told your husband you had done this. It is a nice thing to do but are you wanting to do this to meet your own needs to please too.

You also do not want to send items that are not really needed. Also there is no guarantee it would actually get to the ward this person is on.

Why do you never put yourself first? What happened to you in life to get to that point?.

Are you a people pleaser?.

I have texted the person going to hospital and I got replies about how worried she is.
I'd thought I would send a small parcel with warm socks quiz book pen and notebook and "posh" sweets. Along with a little note to say we as a family are thinking about her and because we are far away won't be able to visit her in hospital but hope she recovers quickly.

I
Don't think I'm a people pleaser. I just was always taught to treat others how I'd like to be treated. I'm in my 50's and I'm starting to realise that just makes you a flipping doormat!

He's happy for me to do nice things for him! If I do it for others he sees it as a weakness and is derogatory about it.

I once wanted to have therapy because I felt there was no one in my life I could talk to about things and get advice. He said yes go ahead but we are life partners and we should be talking to each other.
I soon realised he is my biggest critic. He judges everything I do. I avoid discussing things I'm worried about with him because he will generally tell me how I'm dealing with it wrongly or judge why I'm worried in the first place.

I think he's always been like this but I'm only starting to get irritated by it now.

I'd like to discuss it with him I'm just not sure how

He's happy for me to do nice things for him! If I do it for others he sees it as a weakness and is derogatory about it.

Ouch. Everything you say is an insightful observation of who he is. He's showing you clearly, now trust yourself and believe it.

I do not like the sound of your H at all. He is not at all supportive when it comes to you and he seems quite happy to put his own opinion first. There is really no means of talking to him that will get through to him.

I would seek out a therapist to discuss all this; BACP are good and have lists of therapists. Interview each person carefully and at length before going with any one particular therapist.

Re the care package can you instead send it to a family member who can visit your relative?. I suggest this rather than sending it to the hospital because there is no guarantee they will receive it. Socks like you describe are a good idea (as are a comb, lip balm, flannel, toothpaste and toothbrush). I would not send chocolate (it may well get eaten by people other than the recipient) or a quiz book unless they are already active quizzers.

l dont know the man but this is the narcissist’s logic - the belief that showing vulnerability or kindness is done in order to gain something from it (sympathy, recognition, status, favours, love etc).

I don’t mean to suggest that your husband has the full pathology, just that some people have this very transactional way of thinking that everyone is selfish and so only do things if they can see a benefit to themselves to.

Please don’t take it personally. This is not about you and your actions but about himself projecting his thoughts and beliefs onto you.

It’s hard to know. On the surface, from what you say he sounds cynical and dismissive. On the other hand, a red flag for me is that you say you never put yourself first’, and describe yourself as a ‘doormat’. You should be putting yourself first, at least a proportion of the time.

This may be a learning opportunity for you, regardless of his intent. No one respects a doormat, including, crucially, the people who benefit from that person’s doormattery.

I’d revive the therapy idea, but don’t ask his permission, just go and find a good therapist.

I've read your replies. Thank you all.

I am
Going to look for a therapist myself I think. I do wonder if the problems are mine. I had a difficult relationship with my mother which is coming to a head at the moment as she is needing a lot of care. Something we never got growing up but is expected of us now.

I have done some work on myself and that included realising I let him away with saying stuff which hurts me. I do not feel supported by him and I don't trust him to tell him stuff I feel worried about.

I feel I've steered that position because I've not pulled him on these things as the relationship progressed.

Maybe therapy will help me with this.

I would read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward as a starting point re your mother. You owe her nothing, least of a relationship here and no you do not have to care for her either . She reaps what she sowed.

You need to find a therapist who has no familial bias about keeping families together despite the presence of mistreatment.
I personally think therapy for you is an excellent idea and an investment in yourself.

Do you think your h and your mother are very similar?

Have you spoken to this person who is going into hospital about you sending a care package?. If yes you could have told your husband you had done this. It is a nice thing to do but are you wanting to do this to meet your own needs to please too.
You also do not want to send items that are not really needed. Also there is no guarantee it would actually get to the ward this person is on

I understood the statement about the hospital package as just an example of how the husband judges the OP and it is something he does often.
OP goes on to say that he is happy for her to do things for him but not others. This is not a kind man.
Everyone is different of course, but I would be saying, 'I'm happy doing what I am doing, you do what you want and let's leave it at that'

Next time he comes up with "don't take this the wrong way" have a few answers in your back pocket ready something like 'here we go again, enlighten me'
"not meaning to be rude but" reply ' but you are going to be aren't you, i just know it!'
Same with the hospital package, you've missed your moment but I would have been saying ' and what are you doing to be supportive to aunty Vera (or whoever) I haven't noticed you being concerned!
Selfish prick.

Op I got convinced by a similar man that I needed therapy. Thankfully the therapist was very good and quickly spotted that I did not need therapy at all and that I needed to get rid of him since he was the one messing with my head! She was so right! 😝

Get therapy.
You sound as if you have low self confidence.
But living with an unkind critical man will do that.
Stop doing nice things for him.
Stop discussing things with him.
Stop looking for approval from a critical person who puts you down.
Detach emotionally from him and stop depending on him.
Focus on friends an interests away from the home.
Focus on yourself and meeting new people.

His view of you is wrong.
Stop believing his to be the only opinion that counts.
He sounds like a nasty prick by the way.
You deserve better.

Re your mother.
Do not be coerced into providing care for someone who gave you a hard childhood.

Learn the power of No.

But the OP’s husband is the one who talked her out of therapy on the basis she should be talking to him! I think the OP clearly needs therapy. She has poor self-esteem, is in a relationship that sounds unpleasant and undermining, and has a complex relationship with her mother that is bothering her. She also doesn’t seem to have anyone to talk to.

Yes husband thinks we should be taking to each other if we are worried or stressed or whatever.

I don't really have friends. Every time I had friends when I was younger my mother would ask me to think why they were my friends. What were they getting from me? I grew up thinking of people liked me it was because they wanted something from me.

I left home at 18 because it felt oppressive.

Husband is very similar to mother. In that he has no friends really other than work acquaintances. He does treat us really well. I'm a sahm and we are well off. I just don't feel he is supportive of me personally. I have a hobby I do at home. He will slash it off telling me I'm an of lady and generally disapproves if I do it when he's around.

I just want him to be a bit more supportive of me. I literally will no longer seek his opinion on anything important to me because I know it will be negative.

I really just don't know how to communicate it with him.

I was really hurt by this. I try and do my best for our family I never put myself first and I do it because I love them!

Always putting others first isn’t something to be proud of. It’s people pleasing and self neglect.

Of course people are getting things from their friends — fun, conversation, companionship, another point of view, support, loyalty etc etc!

OP, you seem as if you’re totally defined by your bad relationship with your mother, and the fact that you then married a male version of your mother, presumably because it was familiar. This is no way to live. I’d urge you to prioritise finding a therapist. You could have an independent, friend-filled future.

He sounds mean- not kind or loving towards you.

Because he is not a kind or caring person himself, he doesn't understand why others are. He sees kindness as transactional- he will be nice to someone only if it results in a benefit to him.

The care package sounds lovely- going into hospital is always stressful, anything that makes it easier for the patient is good. Send it to a relative you know will be visiting though- hospital staff have too much to do anyway so the package might not get to your relative.