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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Would you reach out to ex colleagues under these circumstances?

40 replies

Vari757 · 12/01/2025 06:57

I already expect the answer to this to be no and to leave the past in the past but I just can't seem to let this go and I feel like I need to at least get it off my chest. Sorry if it's long.

I'm in my mid 30s now but when I was in my early 20s I got my first graduate job at a fairly decent sized manufacturing company. I was taken on as a graduate sales professional along with about 5 other young people who were completing this sales and marketing graduate programme.

Most of the other employees were significantly older than us so the 6 young people (including myself) would all have lunch together and sit beside each other at meetings etc.

However, not long after I started, I noticed that whenever I spoke or tried to make conversation with the group, they would try and stifle a snigger like they were laughing at me or give each other side eyes. I'm 100% sure I wasn't imagining it as there was 1 vocal person in the group who was actually outright horrible to me.

I wish I had called out at the time but I was very young and quite unsure of myself. I was also really embarrassed as I had never had any issues socialising previously. I still can't for the life of me work out why they were doing it? I don't think I was saying stupid things, my accent is quite normal for the region I was working in etc.

I still have one of these ex colleagues on Instagram. Would it be reasonable to reach out and ask if they would mind telling me now what the issue was back then?

For a number of reasons I'm currently working through some experiences I had in my teens and early 20s. I unfortunately grew up in a verbally and physically abusive household where my parents would tell me to my face that they didn't like me and didn't love me and I was, fat, lazy, useless, weird etc so I feel like this memory from my early career is quite triggering and I need an answer to why they were doing this to me before I can put this time period to bed. I hope that makes sense.

OP posts:
FamilyPhoto · 12/01/2025 07:02

I can see its tempting but honestly I wouldnt.
You,in all likelihood, not get the answers you are looking for.

DustyLee123 · 12/01/2025 07:03

You can ask, but you might not get a reply, or the one person might make out that it was the others fault. In short you might not get the truth.

SlapTheMelon · 12/01/2025 07:07

No, just live your best life, be successful, that's the best revenge to bullies and unpleasant people. It's them, not you.

Victoriawould24 · 12/01/2025 07:11

What answer are you hoping for and what answer will make you feel better about it all / worse ?
It’s a risky thing to do and highly unlikely to provide the closure you are seeking.
Would be more beneficial to talk it out with a therapist who might support you to make contact or more likely to make peace in your head and move on.

colinshmolin · 12/01/2025 07:12

You are unlikely to get a honest answer, they would most likely imply you were imagining it.
. I'd work on moving forward and putting crap like that behind you. The likely answer is one or two of them took a dislike to you and the others went along with it because they wanted to be included. Behaviour like that is always more about the instigator than the victim. You were just the unfortunate person.

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 12/01/2025 07:18

They would never tell you the truth.

They wouldn't tell you the truth because it was pure and nasty bullying. And probably for no reason at all other than to be viciously unkind.

You know, not everything is your fault or your problem. Some people are just unpleasant because they enjoy it and need someone to pick on.

Please don't dwell on this because you are wasting headspace on vile behaviour.

Look ahead and know that you are doing just fine, thank you and that people who behave in the way your ex colleagues did are really low.

All power to you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/01/2025 07:19

No point whatsoever in contacting them because you will only get denials. Best revenge against them is to live well. Leave these bullies in the past where they belong.

You may well want to contact NAPAC re the childhood abuse you suffered at your parents hands. And that was not your fault either, that’s all on your parents.

backwayentrance · 12/01/2025 07:30

good grief no op

i’m confused…. the group of similar aged peers were the ones stifling giggles?

backwayentrance · 12/01/2025 07:31

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Cookingtea · 12/01/2025 07:33

I think you are very unlikely to get an honest answer.

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 12/01/2025 07:34

backwayentrance · 12/01/2025 07:30

good grief no op

i’m confused…. the group of similar aged peers were the ones stifling giggles?

Yes, it's very clear from the op's post it was her peers doing the giggling. 🙄

Op, I missed the para about your parents disgusting behaviour towards you. I hope you are getting help with that because that is a truly terrible way to treat anyone, let alone your child.

Do you still see your parents? How is your life situation now in terms of work and relationships?

backwayentrance · 12/01/2025 07:34

op you described yourself in another thread you started as being bored in social situation unless you’re the centre of attention and you’re “quite judgemental” about people.

I suspect that this might be a “you” problem

Vari757 · 12/01/2025 07:34

backwayentrance · 12/01/2025 07:30

good grief no op

i’m confused…. the group of similar aged peers were the ones stifling giggles?

Yes it was

OP posts:
backwayentrance · 12/01/2025 07:34

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backwayentrance · 12/01/2025 07:35

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 12/01/2025 07:34

Yes, it's very clear from the op's post it was her peers doing the giggling. 🙄

Op, I missed the para about your parents disgusting behaviour towards you. I hope you are getting help with that because that is a truly terrible way to treat anyone, let alone your child.

Do you still see your parents? How is your life situation now in terms of work and relationships?

i love the irony that you 🙄 at me not being clear

but you say you “missed” out a good chunk of the op about the op’s parents!

Vari757 · 12/01/2025 07:36

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No, school and uni were always fine. This is the first social issue I had with peers so it has left me confused to what I was doing "wrong" so to speak.

OP posts:
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Vari757 · 12/01/2025 07:39

backwayentrance · 12/01/2025 07:34

op you described yourself in another thread you started as being bored in social situation unless you’re the centre of attention and you’re “quite judgemental” about people.

I suspect that this might be a “you” problem

Hi, I actually don't remember making the other post. I had a look back after reading your comment and it was clearly written at a time where I was spiraling and not in a good place. I'm doing much better now hence my post about working through some difficult experiences.

I don't understand why you needed to seek that out and bring it into this conversation but thanks for your input anyway.

OP posts:
backwayentrance · 12/01/2025 07:40

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SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 12/01/2025 07:41

@backwayentrance you read the paragraph. It's very clear the meaning. 🙄 Absolutely no reason for confusion.

My missing the last paragraph is not an indication of the op not writing clearly.

Do you understand the difference?

backwayentrance · 12/01/2025 07:41

Vari757 · 12/01/2025 07:39

Hi, I actually don't remember making the other post. I had a look back after reading your comment and it was clearly written at a time where I was spiraling and not in a good place. I'm doing much better now hence my post about working through some difficult experiences.

I don't understand why you needed to seek that out and bring it into this conversation but thanks for your input anyway.

you say you’re better “now”

but this situation with colleagues isn’t “now” or even recent

WomenInConstruction · 12/01/2025 07:41

I can see why you want the genuine answer to a genuine question.

But I would hang fire and resist the urge.

As you begin to heal from your, frankly utterly cruel, childhood trauma, you will find (speaking from experience here), that your need to do this gets less and less and can completely go.

If you get to that point (i hope you do) it is highly likely you will be glad that you didn't for the following reasons:

The people who were at that table with you were likely just small minded people mostly concerned with their own social status and were probably grouping around one mean person who was singling you out for petty dislike in a playground politics kind of way (very childish and pathetic, but not unusual).

They didn't then, so may well not now, have the emotional intelligence or compassion to see where you might be coming from, put themselves in your shoes, and answer honestly.

They may find it amusing that you're asking this question after all this time (over a decade), because it is very clear if someone comes back to something after a long time that it really bothered them. They may share this amusement another from that group (they may still be in touch).

If in their eyes it was no big deal, the fact you've held on to it all this time (very understandable from your point of view), could look to them like a 'massive over reaction'.

That's just one scenario.

But like other risky scenarios, you have to be ready for all the possible reactions.
It's a bit like getting in touch with your birth parents, you shouldn't do that if you're only imagining a joyful reunion and would be crushed by indifference or even anger....

Even if they don't find it funny (either strange or funny haha). It's unlikely they will actually be frank with you. You are an ex colleague from over a decade ago, it's more likely they will wonder why you've been following their insta all this time of you've been upset about this for an these years and say something like, 'oh we were young and foolish, it didn't mean anything, sorry if it upset you' <block on Instagram>.

The chances of them actually being compassionate and honest is the least likely outcome (though it is of course possible).

If I had to put money on this I'd say you were unlucky to find yourself amongst a group whose dynamic meant that the group culture wasn't inclusive and kind, but was still akin to the playground.
Young adults in their first big job, all carrying their own history of popularity (or not) and learnt experience of how you gain and hold popularity (can often be by putting others down).
Maybe ambition and wanting to impress, so vying to be top dog.
Maybe also insecure and not wanting to challenge someone who seems strong and has taken against you.

People who come out of a really tough upbringing (your parents said such hideous things! I'm so glad you're still here, that could easily not be the case, with such cruelty), often lack that ease of confidence that more fortunate people have, and people like this spot the weakness and exploit it for their own amusement / social status gains.

I'm 48 and I'm here to tell you that mid thirties is still early days for a full healing from this, it will get better and better if you keep seeking kindness, therapeutic experiences (either talking about your experiences with the right person, professional or friend - or things that make you feel good to be you, and do things that make you feel glad to be alive).

But I don't think these people are who you should go to for a release from this experience that haunts you.

It was a crucial time, of course it left a lasting impression.

But the release you want and need is better coming from this not mattering anymore, which I know is impossible hard to imagine right now, but actually will come and the day you realise you have it, you will feel lighter than you ever have before.

You will also be glad you didn't lose your dignity by getting in touch with this person.

Seek the release, but not in this very risky way, I think you are still too raw for you to weather it well if they don't react how you hope.

CharityShopMensGlasses · 12/01/2025 07:42

This is one of those things where I've learnt it's a situation where they can't give you what you need here, you need to give yourself what you need. Give yourself the compassion and understanding and acknowledging how tough it was for yourself.

Vari757 · 12/01/2025 07:42

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 12/01/2025 07:34

Yes, it's very clear from the op's post it was her peers doing the giggling. 🙄

Op, I missed the para about your parents disgusting behaviour towards you. I hope you are getting help with that because that is a truly terrible way to treat anyone, let alone your child.

Do you still see your parents? How is your life situation now in terms of work and relationships?

I get on with my parents now. My mum also had a difficult life and struggled immensely with her own mental health. I'm not condoning her actions but I understand her a bit more now we have talked through some things.

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