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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I don't know if I can move past this

26 replies

Holmesr926 · 12/01/2025 06:43

My 14 year old bonus son was caught smoking weed his bedroom by me and his father. His dad asked him where he got it, and he said from a 20 year old he met on Snapchat. He met up with this person to purchase the weed at a park near his mother's house. My boyfriend, took my bonus sons phone and went through the Snapchat until he found the persons profile. He found it, and began messaging the person. He asked me if he should report it to the police, and I said that may not be a bad idea. Yes he bought weed, but there's no telling these days what something can be laced with, or this adult could be harming young kids physically at meet ups. My boyfriend was making various comments through the afternoon, "I kind of want to go street on him and just handle it myself". To which I replied no, that's not the way to handle it. He got his things ready to go to the police station and something in my spirit told me to tell him, not to attempt to meet the person by himself, to which he replied i won't. He called me when he got to the police station, and after. During the phone call after, he told me the police advised him to call the next day to speak to someone else who could better assist in the situation (it was around 10pm at this point). I said okay good. I will see you when you get home, and my boyfriend replied with yes I'll see you soon. After about 20 minutes go by, I know something is wrong. It doesn't take long to get back to our home from downtown where the police station is. I'm pacing, calling, texting, no response. Finally after almost an hour, he comes home. He told me that he met up with the kid with the intent only to get his license plate, but he ended up getting out and punching the person twice, who we now know is actually a minor. I'm very angry. Anything could have happened at that encounter, my bonus son could be retaliated on in school over this, the young kid himself is probably hurt, my boyfriend could go to jail if they press charges for assault. He would lose his job, and financially I don't know what I would do to take care of our family. All of these thoughts hit me like a ton of bricks every time I look at him. I don't know how to make that stop. I feel like I can't trust what he says, and I feel very hurt and scared. Are my feelings within reason on this? What can I do to move past it?

OP posts:
FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 12/01/2025 07:05

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Chuchoter · 12/01/2025 07:16

'Bonus son' is a horrific term.

On the face of it I can understand a frustrated father wanting to kick the crap out of a drug dealer who sold his son drugs but the reality is he could have got himself beaten up, stabbed and killed and the son would be without a father.

Now he will have assault charges and hopefully the mitigating circumstances will help but even so, he is going to be in a lot of trouble.

What he should have done is support the son and get him to understand that buying and using drugs in unacceptable.

I imagine now that the boy will only ramp up his drug taking if his father goes to jail.

Kimmeridge · 12/01/2025 07:20

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Richiewoo · 12/01/2025 07:21

What's a bonus son.

MrsJJ84 · 12/01/2025 07:22

What’s a bonus son ?

frozendaisy · 12/01/2025 07:41

The minor sells weed he is very unlikely to walk into a police station willingly.

As for the repercussions for, presume stepson, that's between him, his dad and his mum really.

Yes he could have made a situation a whole lot worse, you don't sort stuff out by throwing your fists around, who made him judge and jury? Or even running to the police over a bit of weed.

Where was talking to stepson, talking to his mother? Educating him on the harms and dangers? Guidance about meeting people off Snapchat? There are numerous ways to deal with this but smacking someone is not the way.

You move past it by telling him how you feel. What happens now, the police call him tomorrow and does he hand over the registration? That might lead directly to them telling the police he smacked them? You tell him this was completely over the top that he's as bad as they are now. It's not a great example to a 14 yr old boy, that next time you try and sort out problems in house together. The repercussions for his 14 yr old because of his actions could be a couple of smacks back by someone older and how exactly can he say that is wrong? More do as I say not as I do.

All you can do is talk things through and see what happens.

The young lad who sold the weed did just that, he didn't put it in your stepsons mouth and inhale. That was on him. You don't get teens to stop things through fear.

Basically to start with it was just a 14 year old smoking a bit of weed and now it's a whole heap more because of many of your partner's dumb actions.

But I very much doubt he will lose his job. Unless he continues to make dumb decisions.

AceofPentacles · 12/01/2025 07:42

Is he going to seek out everyone who sells his son weed? Impossible. Better to tackle the issue directly with his son. Hopefully not with his fists.

Whyamisopathetic · 12/01/2025 07:49

Holmesr926 · 12/01/2025 06:43

My 14 year old bonus son was caught smoking weed his bedroom by me and his father. His dad asked him where he got it, and he said from a 20 year old he met on Snapchat. He met up with this person to purchase the weed at a park near his mother's house. My boyfriend, took my bonus sons phone and went through the Snapchat until he found the persons profile. He found it, and began messaging the person. He asked me if he should report it to the police, and I said that may not be a bad idea. Yes he bought weed, but there's no telling these days what something can be laced with, or this adult could be harming young kids physically at meet ups. My boyfriend was making various comments through the afternoon, "I kind of want to go street on him and just handle it myself". To which I replied no, that's not the way to handle it. He got his things ready to go to the police station and something in my spirit told me to tell him, not to attempt to meet the person by himself, to which he replied i won't. He called me when he got to the police station, and after. During the phone call after, he told me the police advised him to call the next day to speak to someone else who could better assist in the situation (it was around 10pm at this point). I said okay good. I will see you when you get home, and my boyfriend replied with yes I'll see you soon. After about 20 minutes go by, I know something is wrong. It doesn't take long to get back to our home from downtown where the police station is. I'm pacing, calling, texting, no response. Finally after almost an hour, he comes home. He told me that he met up with the kid with the intent only to get his license plate, but he ended up getting out and punching the person twice, who we now know is actually a minor. I'm very angry. Anything could have happened at that encounter, my bonus son could be retaliated on in school over this, the young kid himself is probably hurt, my boyfriend could go to jail if they press charges for assault. He would lose his job, and financially I don't know what I would do to take care of our family. All of these thoughts hit me like a ton of bricks every time I look at him. I don't know how to make that stop. I feel like I can't trust what he says, and I feel very hurt and scared. Are my feelings within reason on this? What can I do to move past it?

What on earth is a ‘bonus son?’

amyshep · 12/01/2025 07:54

As silly as the phrase is, I'm assuming "bonus son" is boyfriend's son, ie not stepson as they're not married.

It's really not that difficult a concept to grasp

amyshep · 12/01/2025 07:56

Boyfriend shouldn't be going round punching teenagers drug dealers either.

Everyone needs to take a deep breath, stop overreacting and TALK to each other

Loopytiles · 12/01/2025 07:59

I wouldn’t want to sfay in a relationship with someone with such poor judgement and who’d assaulted someone. Has he done stuff like that before or expressed views that led you to think he sees violence as a justifiable option for dealing with things?

Loopytiles · 12/01/2025 08:00

The issue isn’f ‘everyone’ it’s OP’s boyfriend, who opted for violence/crime.

fuzzycob · 12/01/2025 08:00

"Bonus son"!?

Your boyfriend is an aggressive idiot. Who the fuck calls the police then immediately goes out and assaults the person they called about? It's good that the police are already involved, though.

The chances of weed being secretly "laced with something" are slim to none - what would the point of that be? Who benefits?
Don't create drama, there's no need to make out your boyfriend's son was in mortal danger and in need of immediate protection.

If your boyfriend went to jail the son's care wouldn't come to you, so wouldn't be your concern, because you're just a girlfriend. But the chances of going to jail for any period of time, just for punching another grown man twice, are pretty low.

Through all of this that the focus is entirely on the person who sold it, not your boyfriend's son who chose to buy it. If the kid went out and bought weed he's not a sweet innocent little lamb in need of protection, and acting like he has no responsibility for his actions isn't going to stop him from doing it again.

Honestly, it comes across like you're enjoying the drama - "what if the weed was laced, what if the dealer was abusing the boy, anything could have happened to my boyfriend when he went to assault the dealer, what if the dealer retaliates, what if my boyfriend goes to prison and I have to raise his son...?" Calm down and grow up.

IDontHateRainbows · 12/01/2025 08:01

Oh my goodness what an idiot.
Kids will experiment with drugs especially weed, not much you can do to stop it especially as they get older.
Smack or crack I'd maybe understand but he beat up another teenager cos he sold your 'bonus' son ( agree ridiculous phrase) a bit of ganj?

adviceneeded1990 · 12/01/2025 08:05

I don’t think the terminology is the problem here! My friends stepdaughter prefers “bonus daughter” after seeing it on a TikTok and asked my friend to use that instead of stepdaughter! To each their own.

Your boyfriend needs to grow up and he should have educated his son instead of flying off the handle. A chat about better communication is needed.

Blahblahblah2 · 12/01/2025 08:08

Imo it's worse to punch someone than to sell a bit of weed. Your boyfriend sounds like an idiot.

Also want to know what the hell is a bonus son?!

Moonlightstars · 12/01/2025 08:10

fuzzycob · 12/01/2025 08:00

"Bonus son"!?

Your boyfriend is an aggressive idiot. Who the fuck calls the police then immediately goes out and assaults the person they called about? It's good that the police are already involved, though.

The chances of weed being secretly "laced with something" are slim to none - what would the point of that be? Who benefits?
Don't create drama, there's no need to make out your boyfriend's son was in mortal danger and in need of immediate protection.

If your boyfriend went to jail the son's care wouldn't come to you, so wouldn't be your concern, because you're just a girlfriend. But the chances of going to jail for any period of time, just for punching another grown man twice, are pretty low.

Through all of this that the focus is entirely on the person who sold it, not your boyfriend's son who chose to buy it. If the kid went out and bought weed he's not a sweet innocent little lamb in need of protection, and acting like he has no responsibility for his actions isn't going to stop him from doing it again.

Honestly, it comes across like you're enjoying the drama - "what if the weed was laced, what if the dealer was abusing the boy, anything could have happened to my boyfriend when he went to assault the dealer, what if the dealer retaliates, what if my boyfriend goes to prison and I have to raise his son...?" Calm down and grow up.

I'm assuming OP isn't British because of the language used. Anyway, it's not that dramatic to assume some of those things. It's how county lines often start, my friend's daughter was found by her on New Years Eve unconscious along with another friend full stop there both 14 they had bought some weed in the park, smoked it and it had made them pass out. Almost definitely laced with something. I smoked weed for 30 odd years and never had that reaction.( Admittedly only homegrown nowadays.)

Justcallmebebes · 12/01/2025 08:17

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Couldn't have put it better myself. Your DP has taken a problem and made it 10 x worse and "bonus child", just no

BlueSilverCats · 12/01/2025 08:19

What are the consequences for his son buying and smoking weed? Did he tell his mum? What are they actually going to do about it?

He needs to be a fucking grown up and a parent, not "street".

EnjoythemoneyJane · 12/01/2025 08:20

A lot of parents might feel anger in the heat of the moment in this situation, but most have the maturity and self-control to know that physically assaulting a minor will solve absolutely nothing and can only bring more trouble to your door.

Kids sell weed to other kids, always have, always will. The other boy is not your BF’s problem or business to deal with - and even if this kid never supplies to your stepson again, there’ll be plenty of others happy to step up in his place, so what’s your BF achieved, exactly, other than to make himself feel like the big man? Pathetic. Does he often have issues controlling his anger?

I don’t blame you for questioning the future of your relationship - he sounds recklessly impulsive and immature. My only worry would be leaving your stepson in his sole care when he has custody. He is a shitty parent.

Pumpkinpie1 · 12/01/2025 08:41

Never smoked drugs in my life so I’d have gone mad too.
Where is the focus on the culprit - son. He planned this and was very devious. It wasn’t a game
What about his health? He ShoUld be the main focus.
As for the dealer , hopefully he learnt an important lesson - if it was filmed and the boyfriend was stupid enough to tell him the who and why , yes he could be traced by the police. Fingers crossed that won’t happen.

If it does …..
Your BF needs to parent and think first
Actions have consequences

Woodworm2020 · 12/01/2025 08:45

What’s a bonus son? I thought maybe an unplanned pregnancy but I don’t think that’s it.

EnjoythemoneyJane · 12/01/2025 08:51

Oh FFS - are people really this thick or is everyone trying to make the same diggy point that’s already been made half a dozen times?!

Bonus - something good but unexpected
Son - male child

Stepson. He’s her stepson. It’s really, really not that difficult to crack the fucking code, even on a Sunday morning.

Agree it’s an awful phrase but it’s hardly the main point of her post. I’m sure there’ll be a lot more helpfully posting the exact same response though 🙄

Darker · 12/01/2025 08:58

Exactly @EnjoythemoneyJane . This isn’t the thread for a mumsnet pile on.

(And imo the term is no worse than DSS or DH or D-anything).

NeverKnowinglyUnderstated · 12/01/2025 09:01

Darker · 12/01/2025 08:58

Exactly @EnjoythemoneyJane . This isn’t the thread for a mumsnet pile on.

(And imo the term is no worse than DSS or DH or D-anything).

Totally agree. So much for offering help and advice.
And, just for the record, it's a million times better than 'my little family' which is truly vomit-inducing!