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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Ex and I are back together but he lied to me about sleeping with someone else. Am I valid for feeling betrayed?

17 replies

ForRealDreamer · 12/01/2025 04:41

Ex broke up with me because he was overwhelmed with our fights and needed to focus on himself. Throughout the whole breakup, he made it impossible for me to move on. Kept reaching out, calling me, stalking my social media and I had to tell me to stop contacting me and leave me alone, yet he would still do it but I’ll ignore. I wasn’t able to get with another guy because I wasn’t over him and needed to process the breakup. Then my ex started trying to win me back. Even talking to my friend to help him plead with me to answer him. Fast forward we are back together. He asked me if I had been with anyone during the 6 months of our breakup and I told him. I tried talking to other people but I just couldn’t take it any further because I was trying to process the breakup and still loved him. But when I asked him, he said he hadn’t been with anyone. It’s been a month of a way better relationship and I just found out he actually had a brief fling with a colleague immediately after our breakup which went on for 2 months. They also had sex. I feel very hurt and betrayed. He lied to me. He would not allow me to move on meanwhile he was having sex with a co worker. He said he was scared I wouldn’t want him back if he told me and apologises telling me he always loved me that’s why he tried to move on with someone else but couldn’t. I feel very disappointed because sex is something sacred for me. I also just lost my virginity to him and I am 23. He’s way more experienced than I am. He says he knows I feel disgusted by him but he is sorry. He felt overwhelmed. They only had sex once he said. I then asked him to show me the messages but he deleted them . He said he understands if I don’t want him anymore. But he wants to make me happy because I’m special to him. I told him I feel disgusted. I’vecan’t get it out of my mind how he was with her in bed. How can he do that to me. I feel like a fool. I’m I valid for feeling this way?

OP posts:
EverybodyLovesString · 12/01/2025 04:51

Break up with him and find a man who doesn't bring all this drama with him. You deserve better.

InkHeart2024 · 12/01/2025 05:13

Break up with him properly, block him on everything and raise your standards.

Kosenrufugirl · 12/01/2025 05:21

The person who truly loves you won't be enquiring about your sex life whist you were in the break up period. Your are special to him because losing your virginity to him is massaging his ego. Get rid would be my advice

JollyGreenSleeves · 12/01/2025 05:30

He likely split up with you because of the co-worker. He doesn’t sound like someone who is a long term prospect. I would cut your losses now. Not because he shagged someone while you had split up, but because of the double standards, the lying, the drama. Life is too short.

Youngheartsalittletogetherness · 12/01/2025 05:48

He will piss you about again that you can be sure of.Get rid surely you don't need this level of drama in your life.
Bin him and enjoy being 23:and carefree.

Joyfulspringflowers · 12/01/2025 05:51

I agree with @JollyGreenSleeves

My feeling is once you find out someone has deliberately lied to you then you can never trust that person again.

Plus the whole of his behaviour whilst you were seperated was really manipulative.

Mymanyellow · 12/01/2025 05:51

He probably broke up with you so he could shag his co worker tbh. That didn’t work out so he came back to you. Dump him.

Porkyporkchop · 12/01/2025 05:52

He split with you to try his luck with the co worker. That turned out to be shit once he got what he wanted, so he crawled back to you.
leave him . He will cheat or dump you again when someone else comes along.

Monty27 · 12/01/2025 05:54

Any lie is a betrayal.
Get him gone and try to work on yourself. You deserve better x

Daschund1 · 12/01/2025 05:54

I'd suspect he had her lined up all along (with an emotional, if not physical crossover), and when it didn't work out he had you dangling all along. It reads like the script. You deserve better.

daisychain01 · 12/01/2025 05:57

Why did you get back together with someone who stalked you, pestered you, wouldn't leave you alone when he was the one who wanted the split? The double-standards he has should be an eye opener to you,

you don't need anyone's permission to get rid of this unpleasant specimen, you owe him nothing and you can leave anytime you like.

it really shouldn't be this hard, not at such an early time in your relationship, it will only get worse.

jubs15 · 12/01/2025 09:23

If he was messing around with a colleague for 2 months then they had sex more than once. He's just saying it was once because it sounds better and he hopes you'll be able to live with that. If you get back with him, how much longer before all the fights start again? It's unlikely that anything will change.

If he still works with this colleague (or is still able to contact her) then will you ever be able to trust that he won't get into bed with her the next time you have a fight?

Seaoftroubles · 12/01/2025 09:39

Remember why you broke up! He blamed you for the arguments but was probably already cheating with the work colleague. So he lied and is still lying as they certainly didn't only have sex once! Also his stalking behaviour should be enough to show you what he is really like and that, plus the lies, clearly illustrate that you dont need someone like that in your life. You will never be able to trust him again. End it, block him on everything and move on.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 12/01/2025 09:40

I agree with the others. He jumped ship to try his luck with the colleague. It didn't work out so he's come back to you. You're his plan B I'm afraid.

TangerineClementine · 12/01/2025 09:42

It's not just the lie that is the problem here. The controlling behaviour (not allowing you to move on, using emotional manipulation via your friend when he decided he wanted to get back together with you) is far more concerning to me. Massive red flags OP. Dump this one.

PashaMinaMio · 12/01/2025 10:18

Kick him into touch.
Once the trust is gone, it’s gone forever.
I can tell you from my experience, it will never be the same with him.
There are some excellent relationship contributors on Instagram. Look for Myavatar.
Shes British and tells it like it is.
There are others but shes worth checking out.
You are too young to be going through this drama. Get yourself back out there.

blacksax · 12/01/2025 10:30

You asked the question. If he'd told you the truth, you'd have felt betrayed anyway.

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