Long term illness and relationships

[2024CUNEXTTUESDAY]

Does anyone here have serious/long term illness? I was recently diagnosed with a rare kidney disease.‘I’m currently being treated with very high dose steroids, the treatment is worse than the condition!

I've had symptoms for 2 years but despite seeing many doctors, test werent done, followed up etc. I only mention this because I’ve been getting more and tired and symptomatic over a slow period of time. So perhaps haven’t been my best self.

I feel sad that my husband has been a bit rubbish really. If it was the other way around I’d be lavishing him with extra love and care but I’m not getting any of that. In fact I feel like he’s pulled away. I feel as if he expects me to be upbeat all the time and carry on as normal and whilst I understand the importance of a positive attitude, it’s also been a huge shock and I do feel quite unwell. We’re also not had sex for 2.5 months (since I was diagnosed and I’m very conscious about this, although there is no pressure from him).

Tonight I asked him he felt about everything because I was trying to show that I understand that this affects him too. He basically said he was fatigued by it, because it had taken over our lives.. I do understand this because I feel the same. But I’m also hurt because what am I meant to do with that? I can’t change this, I’m doing absolutely everything I’ve been advised to do and more. I asked him to just love me more, show more affection-‘he said he will but let’s see!

Anyway, I just wondered if there was anyone going through the same? Is your OH similar or is mine a selfish t*wat?

I'm starting to think hes pulling away in case I die..

Or maybe I’m selfish because I’ve been consumed by the is illness and I don’t have the capacity for much else?’

I'm so sorry op. This must be so hurtful.

IME, a lot of men are great in a crisis when they can grandstand about how they are keeping everything running, and when the illness is short and sweet, with a definite end, but not so good with an ongoing chronic condition. They get bored and impatient.

It's hard to offer any insight in to your situation op because you haven't given us much context.

How long have you been married, and how was your marriage before you became ill?

How old are you both?

Is he normally this selfish?

Do you have children and if so is he having to do a lot more than usual?

It's said that men equate sex with emotional closeness whereas women need emotional closeness to feel like sex; could it be something like that?

What is your dynamic like normally op? Are you the one that manages your home life normally and is he fed up with suddenly having to step up?

Or is he simply terrified and worried about your long term prognosis? And is [not] coping with it by shutting down?

Obviously you don't have to answer any of those questions here op, but maybe one or two of them might ring true?

Hi

Thanks for your reply.

im late 40s, he’s just 50. No kids and we’ve been together 7 years, married 4.

He is a selfish man tbh, He lived on his own for a long time, pleasing himself but he has tried really hard to be less selfish over the course of our relationship.

Our Relationship pre this was close, fun and intimate. However it certainly wasn’t perfect. I do tend to manage our home life and continue to do so to an extent. It’s not that he’s even having to do loads more, it’s more the emotional support and care I feel is lacking.

We’re normally quite social and do lots together. However, we haven’t been able to and won’t for a while. He keeps suggesting booking things for a few months and I keep saying no because it feels like pressure to be well and i have no control over that.

I do wonder if he coping by shutting down but perhaps I am making excuses for him.

If it was the other way around I’d be lavishing him with extra love and care but I’m not getting any of that.

That’s how it should be and his behaviour is appalling at a time that you are so unwell and vulnerable.

I think you need to concentrate on you solely at the moment, look after yourself, stop the guilt and take the pressure off yourself. You’re not responsible for how he behaves so don’t waste precious energy on him.

Hugs too - I know what it’s like to have a long term chronic illness and why I stay on my own because I don’t have the energy to give anything to anyone when I’m really struggling.

@2025herewecome Thank you for your lovely words. Hugs to you too, I’m sorry you’ve made the decision to not get involved with an anyone so that you don’t have the added stress of another persons ‘stuff’. I agree relationships can be hard, they can also be wonderful too!

You’re right, my focus is going to be in me and I’m going to try and be quite selfish in my pursuit of being well again. I’m quite giving person and items to take on a lot of stuff helping other people. I’m trying to step away from that, it’s quite hard.

I feel sad that he’s not doing more but he did say he was going to step up the affection so let’s see!

Hmmm that’s a difficult one op. If he is a fairly selfish man ordinarily then he is being true to type and maybe he’s incapable of anything more?

Sorry that’s not very helpful is it?

I mean he adapted a bit when he got married, but he doesn’t know how to support you now he has to step up further.

Not knowing how to support you is one thing but the last thing he should be doing is trying to book things with you. I think I would be having a firm word with him about that and just telling him straight that it just feels like a whole load of extra pressure you don’t need.

You are right to be a bit selfish and prioritise your own health.

Hopefully, he just needs a bit more time to adapt.

And long term he needs to use a bit of initiative and sort out his own social life.

No married couple, whether healthy or ill, can be all things to each other. It’s too much pressure.

Good luck op. I’m sorry that you have to stress about your dh as well as everything else.