Finally doing it...

[aawcmon]

I've been married for over 25 years and can honestly say i've been miserable for about 15 of them. We've had loads of issues over the years (i even have past threads about him), and tried marriage counselling twice, but to no avail.

He is the most emotionally regressive and immature person i know and puts no thought into anything. To provide an example include recently, my DF died after a short illness in hospital and he offered no support at all through the whole experience, i was left entirely to organise everything by myself as well as support kids, etc. He didn't visit my DF once, or help me clear out his house, help organise funeral at all. We sleep in different rooms, and haven't spoken about anything other than the kids since lockdown.

I've been saving for the past few years so i can afford a deposit on another house and i promised myself i'd stay until my youngest had finished their exams, which will be this year. I've told him these plans and he doesn't believe i will do anything, as in his own words 'well, i'm happy so whats the problem'. But i'm going to do it, for my own mental health.

How do i get rid of the guilt though, i'm so worried that this will impact my kids so badly...although they're 19 and 16, so not exactly kids anymore. For background, i had a particularly 'interesting' childhood and i always wanted my kids to have a much better life than i did. They have had everything they could have ever wanted and are so well adjusted now, i'm worried about how they'll react. But i 100% know i need to do this...is that selfish?

No, it's not selfish. Well or it is, but not in a bad way. it's good to care for yourself it's a good model for your kids, who you want to grow up and not stay in marriages that make them unhappy.

Society has this idea that divorce is the worst thing, but a) living in a loveless house with unfulfilled parents can feel bad and set an awful example. 2) divorce, especially if low conflict, can open up opportunities and give them back happy parents.

I know it's hard OP, but I'd do it. You only have one life. And your kids are almost grown. Do everything you can to keep it lie conflict, not stick them like pawns between you etc, of course. But do what gives you a chance to be happy and model the pursuit of happiness for your kids.

Good luck!

@aawcmon gosh i could have written this. also married 25 years, unhappy for the majority of that time. My sons are the same age as your children, and i also have a 3rd child of 13. It makes me feel suffocated that i might have to stay until she's old enough for me to leave without our separating/divorce damaging her. I don't feel like i deserve to leave in order to make my life better when it will make my children's lives worse. I don't feel that my needs come above theirs. My daughter tried cutting her arms and legs "to see what it felt like" after she saw it on tiktok so i'm scared that any trauma might tip her into trying other harmful things like eating disorders.
In a weird way i'm hoping that i catch him having an affair (he's done this before) so that i have a specific reason/catalyst to end it.

Good luck, and keep us posted x

I think that divorce becomes very traumatic to children when there is a lack of respect between the adults and little consideration for the children. In very bitter divorces the adults can be so immersed in their own pain and desire for revenge for perceived wrongs that the children get caught up in the crossfire.
Your children are old enough to understand that a relationship has run its course and their parents are going to be living separately. They don’t need to know any details. They will have their own struggles with love and loyalty for their divided parents and not being a family unit. They might also be relieved to live in a calmer atmosphere.
If you can, arrange for some mediation counselling so you can both work from the same page on how you want to coparent go forward and agree to never talk down about the other parent as that is very damaging for the child.

Thank you all for good advice, appreciate it

Congratulations on reaching your turning point op.

I have reached this point also but I'm still waiting for a couple of things to fall into place this year. A split is looming. DC of similiar age plus one younger.

I feel awful. But he has made it unbearable to stick it out for dc. It's taken a long time to change my mindset but finally I'm getting there. I can't live my life like this it is no way to live but I carry a lot of shame and guilt which I need to work through. I also had what you describe as an interesting childhood and this is not what I wanted for my children. I have had to come to terms with the idea that I've followed a not too disimilar pattern.