Emotionally Immature Men ..... How do I communicate or should i not bother ?

[ImNotAfraidAnymore]

I have a emotionally immature husband who , despite me literally spelling out what I expect from him and what behaviour i wont accept or tolerate makes little to no effort , No im not leaving as I have 3 young children and im not walking away from our home , Im asking for advice and tools to help ME accept this as change needs to come from him , Ive explained in 100 ways to him how / why its important but I realised after alot of research and self help books emotionally immature people rarely improve or mature.

What exactly do you mean? How does he behave? What’s he like outside of the home? With the kids?

Well the only solution is to leave him but you’ve ruled that out, so the second best solution is to head to B&Q, buy a bucket and a bag of sand, pour the sand into the bucket and stick your head into it.

He won’t change.

If you don't want to leave and he's not going to change then you accept it. Find ways to work around it and practice mindfulness in order to come to peace with it.

he saves all his dickhead moody behaviour just for me ( lucky me ay ) , couldnt be more helpful and friendly to the outside world , and ive told him to his face countless times this hasnt gone un noticed by me

Thank you @username299 im just getting through the ' Let Them Theory ' book and this is really helping too X

I find the best response to this kind of moody behaviour, in people who are fully aware it is causing others heartache and don’t care, is to ignore it as if it’s not happening. And not give in to what the underlying, often unspoken emotional demands behind it are.

People who cultivate grumpiness like this and refuse to grow emotionally are doing this to get something out of it. They could do something else - could grow up - but choose not to.

Don’t give him - if you refuse to leave him - the satisfaction of showing you care or that it hurts you.

If he acts grumpy, laugh at him.

Set firmer boundaries and routines for your own life - give yourself (if you don’t already have them) the same week nights when you always take exercise / see friends and be militant about them. That takes away some of the opportunities for his poor emotional behaviour to affect your life and gives you coping time.

But ultimately, all of this is a slow downhill ride.

Why would anyone give you tools to accept poor behaviour?

You clearly never got the memo that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

He is abusing you (and in turn your children) and no amount of book reading on your part is going to change anything at home. Emotionally immature my arse; this is abuse on his part and denial of the truth i.e you are in an abusive relationship on your own part. It's not your fault that he has decided to conduct his own private based war against you.

Supposedly standing up for yourself will not pay dividends because he will merely see that as an additional challenge and so further double down on the abuse. Laughing at his attempts to further control and belittle you could cause him to be physically violent towards you/see red.

It may well be that you would not have to leave the marital home and besides which why can;'t he leave?. He does not want to leave does he because he has you to abuse as well as cook clean and pick up after him. A home is but bricks and mortar and make no mistake, your home is not the sanctuary it should be.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. You want them to repeat the relationship errors their mother is making by choosing for now at least to stay with him?.

Thank you @NeedsMustNet that's so true , they choose not too grow up. I have tried very hard to lift my confidence and self worth and this has happened because i set some clear boundaries with myself what i wont tolerate and also not to be afraid to say out loud how he plays the victim and generally being miserable !

And I think you belie your own user name; you are very afraid of him.

You also need to be aware that abuse is not about communication or a perceived lack of, it’s about power and control. He wants absolute over you and in turn your children. He knows exactly what he is doing here by abusing you. Staying for a house and or a lifestyle you want to maintain are no good reasons to stay with him either.

If one of your friends told you what you wrote in your initial post what would your counsel be?

Why did you marry and have kids with an immature man? He's unlikely to change because he does NOT feel the need to. He will change when he wants to.

Sticking to your boundaries is a must. He can see you lack confidence, so he isn't listening to you. Perhaps you need therapy to explore this area.

I doubt he likes being dictated to.

You don’t have an emotionally immature husband (whatever that is). He’s not like it to anyone else. Sounds like a toxic situation. You do need to make places to separate. Your kids don’t need to be stuck in this.

He won’t amend his behaviour as there is no incentive, he knows you won’t leave. Please consider the impact of his emotional immaturity on your children as they grow up. Children learn about relationships and what to accept from their parents. You risk normalising his behaviour which could negatively impact your children later on, even if you learn strategies to be less emotionally affected by it. It’s toxic.

But you are tolerating and accepting his behaviour by continuing to live with him. Is this the sort of relationship you want your children to see as normal?

Why would you walk away from the house in a split?

Well done.

How is your relationship with him in other ways?

Are you - when he’s not being grumpy - able to have lots of fun together? Do you have a happy place, somewhere where you have built up a store of great memories of being together in on holiday or near you?

Even though you say you don’t want to leave I really think that you need to prepare for things getting worse over time, because this stuff will eventually start making you feel a bit mad, if he chooses to walk over your happiness - which doesn’t feel so different from gaslighting, and that’s if it hasn’t already. Be on top of your financial position. Keep your finances as separate at you can, or at least keep records of everything. Get enough sleep. If there is such a thing as an emotional vampire, it sounds as if you are married to one.

Just out of interest, do you know anyone in a marriage like yours, at any age? Or do you know anyone who divorced / separated and is happier as a result?