Abusive sister, but still miss her

[rosiebutterfly]

Hi all, I’ve come from a bit of a tragic life and my story involves a lot of family loss so please click off if this is a trigger.

By the time I was 21 I had lost my older brother at 19 and my mum was an alcoholic and I lost her by the time I was 21. My brother had a complex spinal injury and was ventilated so my younger sister and I basically were brought up in hospitals and intensive care units everyday after school would be hospital visits and even Xmas was spent there, because of all the trauma from that I was diagnosed with CPTSD. My younger sister exhibits signs of this or BPD with perhaps narcicissm. I am aware we’ve had tough child hoods but she does these drinking abuse cycles that my mum used to do.
She goes on two day drink binges and sends erratic abusive messages, hundreds of them but just before Christmas this happened again, she doesn’t work due to mental health so lives off the government and I think the reason for this abuse cycle was because we promised each other once my dads estate was settled that we’d half it with each other so it can be fair ( I was actually next of kin but no will was left so this had to be looked into from a 3rd party and my sister was given more because she doesn’t work but split with
me as I was on maternity leave at the time and had no money either) but I think she regrets doing this with me as a lot of the messages were about money and the reason I mention government is because I think she’s spent all her money and this is the reason why i experienced the last set of abuse
We lost our dad in 2022, so basically only have each other but recently I experienced a level of verbal abuse that I just can’t forgive nor does she really show any remorse. I am also pregnant and received hundreds of messages of abuse saying I’ve left her to rot, that she has no family, that now I’ve got the money I no longer want her this was screaming voicenotes etc, the estate was also settled over a year ago and is strictly untrue, this was all over me not checking in on her for 7 days ( I am pregnant and have a toddler, three dogs and work full time ) the messages also were about my unborn child, my personality, lots of horrible evil things and so she was blocked from WhatsApp; then this continued over text and then when that stopped she took it to Instagram to call me an ugly c**t and to stay away from her grave etc, I hadn’t done anything wrong or even replied to her, but weirdly I can’t stop thinking about her.
i feel really bad that she would have spent Xmas on her own with her two children and wouldn’t have received any gifts or messages as I’m pretty much the only person that makes an effort with her ( I spend so much money on her and have done everything for her since our parents have died )
i have given her thousands in the past, and tried to take on all roles to help her and I think now because I have a family of my own I just can’t do what I used to do for her ( she is still 34 but acts like a child )
The abuse happened just before Christmas and she blocked me from all contact after what she did and we haven’t spoken since but I can’t shake the guilt that I left her to have Xmas on her own after what she did and what she said, was I wrong to do this?
I have struggled a lot with her in the past as her outlook is very inwards, she doesn’t make any effort with anyone but expects everyone to do stuff for her and her relationships with people seem very transactional and everything is about what she can get out of a situation but she’s still my sister and I can’t believe everything that she did, for example for Christmas I got my daughter two presents and I got her children about 15 presents each and spent hundreds on my sister I’m mentioning this as her claims of money are so ridiculous, so feels like a massive slap in the face that everything I do for her is not good enough and she still thinks everything is about money, I’m starting to wonder whether she has BDP with covert narcissism as I could never ever abuse people the way she does then block them after especially when I’m pregnant and have practically given my life to her up until now; just feeling really low and disappointed it’s been a month since it’s happened and I’m six months pregnant just feel really sad how she’s done this and not said sorry.

for the sake of your children and unborn children
have nothing to do with her
and focus on making the childhoods of your children the polar opposite to what you endured

and I got her children about 15 presents each and spent hundreds on my sister

ridiculous when you are expecting and i highly doubt well off

are social services involved with her Op?

Im sorry - and I am experiencing estrangement and so I really do no how severe it is, - but I think in your case for the sake of your children you will have to estranged her . I can't see any other way of handling this . I suppose you could offer to attend family counselling with her ? Your priority has to be your children and breaking the cycle .

Thank you all, I’ve had years of therapy and can proudly say my toddler is being brought up in an extremely happy healthy and calm home, this was also part of the abuse actually because I have healed from the past that I’m a stuck up bitch etc because I’m not in the same turmoil as my sister. I can proudly say I’ve definitely broke the cycle but this was also the reason for abuse also I have never left my child in her company as she screams and shouts all the time and I don’t allow that near my 18 month old

She’s an alcoholic. Are her children ok?

My brother (now deceased) was an alcoholic. They like to blame others for their problems, then use the ‘poor me’ excuse as justification to carry on drinking.

You are absolutely right to cut her out of your life. But please make sure her kids are ok first (I understand entirely that this isn’t your responsibility but it’s not their fault she’s the way she is and they will need help and support).

This, if you can.

you say she was reported to SS
did anything come of this?

They did check over everything and talk with the school but it was deemed bogus, the drinking happens sporadically which is weird it’s every few months she binges for a weekend

that is concerning

it sounds like SS should be heavily involved

I’m so sorry to hear about your brother witnessing it with my mum was really hard, yes she has a very bad poor me attitude and I do get it our life has been bad but I don’t act like she does, can she be an alcoholic if it’s sporadic? She seems to binge every couple of months then doesn’t drink. It’s hard as she doesn’t let me have any access or contact with the children unless we’re speaking

It can absolutely be alcoholism even if it’s sporadic. A major misconception is that alcoholics need to drink every day.

She may of course be using alcohol to help her ‘cope’ with mental health issues, but either way, it’s not going to end well. Particularly for her kids.

Personally, I’d approach the kids’ schools (if they are school age?) and try social services again.

Many congratulations on being a cycle breaker, op. That’s harder than most people will ever comprehend.

I completely agree, she smokes weed also as she is not dealing with any trauma from the past.

its so hard as when social gets involved she gets even more frantic and paranoid, so I’m concerned it will make her spiral even more but I think you’re right

If your sister had 5 minutes of empathy and clarity she would beg you to stay away. You’re one of the most unqualified people to support her because of your shared trauma.

you need to contact social services
especially as you’ll now (hopefully) be out of her life