How to cope with this?

[Ezlo]

My mum has been with her husband about 16 years now.

From the first time I met him I disliked him. He didn't make the effort to speak to me then and still doesn't now. This includes not saying hello to me when we see each other and if I do speak to him and ask him any questions I either get a one word answer or no answer at all despite him hearing me. Visiting my mum while he's home isn't nice as he definitely doesn't join in conversations but also doesn't acknowledge me at all. For example, I returned from travelling abroad recently and went to their house the same day to drop off souvenirs and he didn't say a word to me, not ask me about my travels or anything, apart from saying hello, but that was only after I had said it first, which is what happens all the time. I've told my mum that I find this really rude and she dismisses it as it just being his way and says that he doesn't speak to him neither. He does. I've been out for a meal with them before now and it's literally been silence from them both at the table. When my mum places his meal on the table he doesn't utter a word of thanks. He's been verbally aggressive to women in the past too and thinks nothing of calling one a bitch if they go to drive first on a narrow road and he has to wait.

He also doesn't cook or clean. He doesn't pay any bills, but instead pays for his car and sends money home. My mum is on a low wage and he earns a lot, so this annoys me but it's their life. He doesn't ever say thanks for me paying to take them away or for meals, though this has stopped now.

My mum has always defended him and made out that I'm an absolute twat for not liking him. She's proper screamed at me before because I've told her that I don't care for him. Things are much more mellow now but she does still defend him to the hilt.

When I do see her, I feel such resentment and really sad that she puts this man and his behaviour first. That she doesn't recognise that i have the right to not like him and to think he's ignorant for ignoring me and that I don't think he treats her particularly well. I have, in the past, hated my mum for this but when I do see her all I think is you think its OK for your husband to ignore your daughter and not make the smallest effort. Those feelings are all consuming. How can I get over this feeling of complete despair at the situation?

He’s been like this for 16 years??

I would not see either of them going forward. She made a choice here and she’s chosen him. She gets what she wants out of their dysfunctional relationship.

You need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got. It may also be helpful
For you to talk to a therapist and one at that who has no familial bias about keeping families together when there is mistreatment.

Thank you both for your replies. I have tried going no contact before. It's hard.

He's so lazy he won't even bother putting the shopping away if my mum comes for a brew with me instead of going home. It's up to her what she puts up with but I think he's a lazy, good for nothing, arrogant twat.

She'll never stop excusing his behaviour so I think the way forward is low contact and therapy.

It must be hard to see your mum in this situation.
But always remember that your mum is choosing to be there. You don't have to.
She's an adult and could leave him whenever she likes. Her unwillingness to do so shouldn't keep affecting you.

It's perfectly understandable to want to minimise contact with your mum, or at least avoid contact with her if it means you have to put up with her husband as well. Your mum made her choice. You get to make yours.

You could just see her on her own?

Meet your mum outside her home only .
He’s not a nice man . She knows it deep down but it’s her choice to stay.
Don’t beat yourself up just focus on your relationship not hers

Today I saw them and yet again he did not say hello until I said hello first. He didn't speak to me the whole time and at the end he didn't say bye. I said bye to him three times before he said bye. I texted my mum after to bring this up and she as always got angry and made out I was being the unreasonable one. I told her to not contact me again and now she's blocked on all messaging platforms. Why does she defend him? Why doesn't she say to him that he's really ignorant and to make an effort with me?

She justifies his behaviour and sticks up for him all the time so unfortunately I'm going to cut all contact with her. My mind can't compute that she makes excuses for why he completely ignores me repeatedly, her only child and makes me feel the unreasonable one for daring to speak up about him doing this. It's toxic.