Made my decision to leave then couldn’t do it

2025willbemytime · 10/01/2025 22:56

It is a big deal but you can chose to stay or not. You need a plan. He thinks he is in charge of you and you need to show him he isn't.

I divorced my husband last year and it took five months from the incident to ask him to leave to give me space then I filed for divorce three months later.

Neveranynamesleft · 10/01/2025 22:59

Of course it's normal. A fear of the unknown can stop anyone in their tracks especially when someone is demanding that you make that snap decision right there and then. Give yourself time to think over things and if you do decide to end the relationship then do things on your own. Each step, each day will bring more strength.

JeeneThompson · 10/01/2025 23:02

May I ask you a question? Why would you like to end your marriage? What's the issue there? Ended of a relationship isn't end your life. You have to go a long way after ending your current marriage. So think twice before doing it. All the best!

YourCrispyBalonz · 10/01/2025 23:03

This reply has been deleted

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Tallyrand · 10/01/2025 23:08

OP I'm sorry to hear your obvious turmoil.

Ultimatums rarely end the way the person issuing them thinks.

All I'll say is you are free to cash in your chips any time you want.

Do what's best for you, whether that's staying or going.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/01/2025 23:11

Why did you want to leave and are those reasons still there? Have you got children living with you?

Original poster

LaceyLou42 · 10/01/2025 23:26

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/01/2025 23:11

Why did you want to leave and are those reasons still there? Have you got children living with you?

We have a child. The reasons for me wanting to end my marriage is because I’ve been unhappy for 3 years due to his terrible mood swings and verbal attacks. I don’t find him attractive anymore and I have recently slept with somebody else so because of that reason I feel like the logical thing to do is to end it.

OP posts:

OnceMoreWithAttitude · 10/01/2025 23:32

You are still free to leave at any time if your choosing.

Do you / did you have somewhere to go? What is your housing situation?

healthybychristmas · 10/01/2025 23:40

I think you need to leave but I wouldn't leave the child behind. I also wouldn't tell him about the affair as he sounds too volatile to deal with it.

Original poster

LaceyLou42 · 10/01/2025 23:44

healthybychristmas · 10/01/2025 23:40

I think you need to leave but I wouldn't leave the child behind. I also wouldn't tell him about the affair as he sounds too volatile to deal with it.

I’ve no intentions of telling him about the affair. He definitely wouldn’t handle it.

I just don’t know why I bottled it today when I was so clear on it and had the opportunity. It’s like I’m not clear on it suddenly anymore as I still care for him etc even though I’ve done the dirty on him I have been with him for half my life so it’s going to be a major life change for all of us. I was planning on going to my parents for now.

OP posts:

tellmesomethingtrue · 10/01/2025 23:49

I can absolutely relate to this situation!! One minute I am going through with the divorce and house sale, and the next minute I'm staying and making the best of things for the lifestyle, and staying with what I know.
Spent my whole entire adult life with him. He is leaving all the decisions and legwork to me so I'm back and fourth with what to do. My head is all over the place so k totally get what you're saying. It's such a massive decision as life will change so much. Or do you stick with what you know...?

tellmesomethingtrue · 10/01/2025 23:50

So in my experience, yes it's normal to bottle it last minute. I think that's what he's hoping for though.

Original poster

LaceyLou42 · 10/01/2025 23:55

tellmesomethingtrue · 10/01/2025 23:49

I can absolutely relate to this situation!! One minute I am going through with the divorce and house sale, and the next minute I'm staying and making the best of things for the lifestyle, and staying with what I know.
Spent my whole entire adult life with him. He is leaving all the decisions and legwork to me so I'm back and fourth with what to do. My head is all over the place so k totally get what you're saying. It's such a massive decision as life will change so much. Or do you stick with what you know...?

Sorry to hear you’re in a similar boat. I’ve felt sick for weeks. Can’t sleep, can’t eat. Going round in circles. I think the fact you consider leaving speaks volumes. If things were right we wouldn’t be on this thread. If things were right I wouldn’t have had an affair. But when you’ve been with someone so long it’s easy to just stay. My fear is fear of regretting leaving. But at the same time I fear id regret staying!!

OP posts:

pikkumyy77 · 10/01/2025 23:56

If the marriage was a reversible mistake the failure to leave can also be a reversible mistake. He ordered you not to leave—well, he would, wouldn’t he, but so what? His interests and yours aren’t the same.what is good for him is bad for you. So just screw your courage to the sticking point and pack up and go. He can issue his orders to the empty air.

Original poster

LaceyLou42 · 11/01/2025 07:57

im thinking it could be because it wasn’t ending how I wanted it to end. I would love for it to be amicable. I just don’t know I need to be 100% on it again….

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/01/2025 08:47

He is never going to be amicable because he is abusive and you realise he has been towards you for the past couple of years. He's likely been abusive to you for most if not all this entire relationship but you simply did not recognise the red flags. How old were you when you and he met and were you in a bad place yourself?. He likely targeted you because you were younger and had no real life experience behind you. If things were not ideal at home either then this would have made you far more vulnerable to such approaches.

These are not the actions of a man who cares for you and even now he is only thinking about his own self (who is going to do my washing, cooking etc). You've been with him for half your life, do not spend the other half continuing to be abused by him. It won't do your child (the only good to have come out of this at all) any favours for he/she to see you being abused by their dad.

It can take several attempts for a person to actually leave an abusive relationship so what you describe here is not unusual.

You need to plan your exit with your child to the nth degree. He will have to be out somewhere where he cannot return all that quickly or at work and certainly not at home the next time you decide to leave. If your parents are supportive can they or a friend of yours be with you when you go. He took away your autonomy that day in him standing over telling you to stay or go.

Do not get bogged down in your sunk costs. Staying because you've been with him half your life etc is an example of the sunk costs fallacy (please read about this tellmesomethingtrue) and that makes people make poor relationship decisions.

Yellowseat · 11/01/2025 08:48

LaceyLou42 · 10/01/2025 22:54

My heads been spinning for months and I finally felt like I could think clearly and that I definitely wanted to end my marriage but when push came
to shove and he stood and said you either pack your bags now or you don’t, I didn’t. Is it normal to bottle it at the last minute? I feel like the decision to leave has been HUGE and now I’m back not being able to think straight.

Could you leave when he isn’t there he knows why, there doesn’t need to be another conversation.

Original poster

LaceyLou42 · 11/01/2025 09:08

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/01/2025 08:47

He is never going to be amicable because he is abusive and you realise he has been towards you for the past couple of years. He's likely been abusive to you for most if not all this entire relationship but you simply did not recognise the red flags. How old were you when you and he met and were you in a bad place yourself?. He likely targeted you because you were younger and had no real life experience behind you. If things were not ideal at home either then this would have made you far more vulnerable to such approaches.

These are not the actions of a man who cares for you and even now he is only thinking about his own self (who is going to do my washing, cooking etc). You've been with him for half your life, do not spend the other half continuing to be abused by him. It won't do your child (the only good to have come out of this at all) any favours for he/she to see you being abused by their dad.

It can take several attempts for a person to actually leave an abusive relationship so what you describe here is not unusual.

You need to plan your exit with your child to the nth degree. He will have to be out somewhere where he cannot return all that quickly or at work and certainly not at home the next time you decide to leave. If your parents are supportive can they or a friend of yours be with you when you go. He took away your autonomy that day in him standing over telling you to stay or go.

Do not get bogged down in your sunk costs. Staying because you've been with him half your life etc is an example of the sunk costs fallacy (please read about this tellmesomethingtrue) and that makes people make poor relationship decisions.

His verbal outbursts are a result of our unhappy relationship I think. I don’t believe I was targeted I was his first relationship, we were 17. Maybe over the years there was the odd nasty comment made. But the last 3 years it’s been bad. I think I’ve gradually distanced myself the more it’s gone on. Then I’ve had an affair. Trouble is I feel like the bad one now for instigating the split. I keep thinking “yes I need to leave” and almost get excited about a prospect of a new start but then I look at him and feel sorry for him and like I have some sort of duty to stay. I don’t like seeing him upset. Change is scary and I’m scared of making the wrong decision when I keep going round in circles.

OP posts:

RupertCampbellBlacksEgo · 11/01/2025 09:13

Is the first step not starting the actual divorce? Then leaving the house once it's sold or bought out?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/01/2025 09:23

His family background (likely unhappy or abusive) would likely give clues as well but at 17 you really did have no real life experience behind you. He is angry/unhappy precisely because he is abusive, not because he is angry/unhappy. He would have been the same regardless of who he went onto live with or otherwise marry. These types of men hate women, all of them.

Change is scary but also good for you. If you were to stay with Mr Wrong what would happen to you going forward; you would continue to be abused by him so dragged down by him and you would perhaps embark on another exit affair. Remember also the true reason why you want out anyway; he is abusing you and that is certainly reason to leave him. You would doubtless advise your child as an adult to do the same. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. he's abused you and so its over.

Get excited by the prospect of a new start for both you and your child. This person cannot afford to see you being abused by their dad on a daily basis. You feel sorry for him because you are empathetic and he knows that too. However, he is not feeling sorry for you is he; he has shown no remorse whatsoever for his abuse. He feels he has done nothing wrong in regards you. I would also seek legal advice re all aspects of divorcing him particularly if you have not already sought this.

smithey85 · 11/01/2025 09:28

Whether you leave now, next week or in a months time, you need to leave - for everyone's sake, including your three year olds. You've had an affair, you've fallen out of love and I suspect you are only with him because you know deep down you'll have a better financial life and quality of living which is not a reason to stay.

pikkumyy77 · 11/01/2025 12:20

Listen to @AttilaTheMeerkat . She knows what she is talking about.

Also recognize that you bonded with him and stopped developing, in many ways, at 17. You still reason like a 17 year old and yet you assume adult responsibility for snother adult. You didn’t “make him unhappy” and he doeneed rescuing from you—or if he does then release him back into the wild so he can resume his interrupted life. Your reasoning here is contradictory (childlike) while your goals are too adult and codependent. That is the conflict.

Just suck it up and move on. He will be angry and unhappy, of course, but you can’t change that. Thats his nature now. Someone gets to be happy here but only if thst someone is willing to be brave snd act. It needs to be you. Instead of trying to rescue him from the obvious consequences of his own bad acts take pity on yourself and rescue yourself.

Fishergirl · 11/01/2025 14:59

OP I'm in a very similar situation. Verbal abuse from stbexh over the years, that chips away and makes you resent the person and not love them. Leave him. I've started divorce proceedings myself. I can't go on living a lie and even though I don't know what the future holds, I know I won't be in an unhappy marriage.

2025willbemytime · 11/01/2025 17:49

I was thinking about it for a while until I did it and just couldn't leave before then. We have children but they are not a reason to stay and I knew they'd want me to be happy and would be sad if I'd stayed, miserably, for them. Then I realised I could leave because of X but oh no, I can't because of Y. But then I knew I couldn't stay for another three years. So I left.

I know you've said you're going to your parents but just because you didn't say I'm going when he tried to bully you, you don't need to wait until he offers again. You can decide at any time. Today's decision doesn't have to be next months.

jointhevelvetiserclub · 11/01/2025 19:03

I have sympathy with you op. I have been in the same position for so long including the verbal abuse. It has taken me over a year to solidfy the fact that I need to leave. Something came to light last weekend which has sealed it for me so in a way has become easier but only very recently. I am on countdown now - getting me ducks in a row as they say. They are lining up now and I've now not got those doubts but I was feeling how you feel for a long while