Can’t decide if I should leave my partner or not

[BeAgileMauveFox]

Basically, we met 7 years ago and our relationship started quite toxic, he’d found out about a previous sexual encounter I had with someone he knew (not friends with just knew him). It was never ending questions about it ALL THE TIME, he was very very verbally abusive and on 2 occasions I attempted to take my life as I just couldn’t cope as I loved him so much!
fast forward to 2019 and I bought myself a house he started staying over more and our relationship got so much better, then 2023 we decided to buy a house together and then I fell pregnant, we were amazing and I mean amazing I couldn’t of asked for a better relationship he was truly my best friend, once the baby was born this continued, then 2 weeks before my daughters 1st birthday, he started with the endless questions in relation to any previous sexual relationships, there was sooo many questions and making me swear on his life and our babies life, I broke down and told him how he was affecting me so much not just mentally but I was physically drained I couldn’t take it anymore and told him I wanted out, anyway we had a trip that was already planned for our daughters 1st birthday (his family was coming), we tried to fix everything I tried for my daughter, I didn’t feel the same as I did prior to this, but I kept trying and he was getting upset that I was off, he apologised for everything we stayed up talking, then I could finally by the end of our week holiday see a way forward for us, it wasn’t quite as good but so much better, then after returning from our holidays my family came to give our daughter her presents (he doesn’t really like my family much) he seemed so off and just stayed upstairs, I messaged him to check he was okay and responded with I will talk to you when they are gone, so I thought here come the questions again, well it was worse…. Way worse, he accused me of previously sleeping with my sisters husband, he knew this was definitely true as he ‘had a feeling’ and this feeling is apparently never wrong, well I lost it, I was so angry well I still am, he made me swear on my child’s life which I did as my brother in law is like an actual brother to me, I’ve known him since I was 9 years old, he then accused me of lying when I swore on my child’s life, I told him I was done I took off my engagement ring he has apologised and has tried to be extra nice today, but I can’t get it over it, I can’t even fathom that he would think that.

I want to leave, I really do but I want my daughter to live with her mother and father in a happy and healthy home, I didn’t have this and is always something I’ve craved.

what can I do???? Is there any way I could get passed this?

has anyone had anything similar? Any advice would be amazing!

thank you

I want my daughter to live with her mother and father in a happy and healthy home

That option is not available though is it.

Do you think there’s no way forward?

No, it will he worse and he will become more controlling and abusive. This is not worth your time in bothering to try anymore. It's 100% not worth your life or sanity. Get out whole, while you can.

It's not possible for you to live in a happy home because he's an insecure abuser whose not capable of change. You should have left him long ago

Can you imagine those questions every single day for the rest of your life?
That's how it will be!

He is abusive and this will continue until you are truly broken.

Is this the happy life for your daughter?

I'd be done.

Ps in my experience when someone accuses people of cheating it's to hide their own indiscretions

I just keep thinking what if it can go back to how it was between 2023 and 3 weeks ago?
I was so happy, our relationship was amazing!
im scared to leave, to regret it, to be alone, to be a single mother, I want to do right by her

You can't give your daughter a happy healthy home with this man. You chose the wrong person to father your child for that to be an option. Make the right choice now for your child and leave him before it gets worse, stop modeling abuse as an acceptable relationship dynamic to your daughter.

He will never, ever change. This will go on forever. He'll be interrogating you about every man who crosses your path. It will be hugely damaging for your daughter to grow up in such a toxic household.

@BeAgileMauveFox unless he decides off his own back to get support and therapy for his insecurities- then it will never get better. It will get worse until your world is so small it’s just you, him and your child.

He will start to interrogate you every time you go out. Checking your phone. You will be a small shadow of yourself.

He hasn’t made the changes or effort needed in all the years you’ve been together. Why do you think it will magically change now?

Next it will be your daughter isn’t his. Imagine what her life will be like growing in a home where her mother is constantly oppressed and harangued like this.

imagine it’s 23 years down the line - and your daughter is telling you how her partner constantly accuses her of being unfaithful. Would you advise her to stay or leave?

He's awful and will get worse. You say you bought the house, you're not married and your baby is very young. Now is the time to end it and have him leave and protect your financial assets and your mental health.You might be well advised to have family with you when you tell him it's over, for your own safety, and stay with them while this angry jealous man packs and leaves.

For 6 years out of 7 your relationship has been toxic and abusive to the point you considered suicide.

Doing right by your dd is providing an emotionally safe home where her mother isn't being abused and driven back to the edge. He has shown repeatedly that he won't give you that safe home.

It was so bad back then but he has never verbally abused me since, I just love him, but I know I have to think of my daughter and her life and her future and I want her to be as happy as possible

Don't be surprised if he's the one cheating. This is a known tactic of projecting onto you.

This will be the rest of your life. Even if he treats you well again you will always be waiting for him to be abusive. This is what abusers do. No abuser is abusive all the time. They can be charming and perfect to get you to stay with them.

He's never been sorry. Otherwise he wouldn't continue to do it. He is trying to isolate you from anyone male because soon enough you will be thinking it's easier to have no contact with a man at all. Hence you start cutting out friends and family and you are trapped.

What would you tell your daughter if she told you her bf was doing this to her? You are teaching her this is normal.

You have no chance of raising her in a happy healthy 2 parent family. But you can give her a safe happy and healthy childhood by yourself. She won't thank you for staying so please don't use her as an excuse.

You should want better for yourself. You deserve better!

I'm of the opinion that if you have to ask the "should I leave" question then the answer is usually yes.
He's repeating his same patterns of abusive behaviour and this is unlikely to change.
I come across abusive relationships in my line of work and often with allegations of cheating the abuser is using this as a means to deflect and detract from their own infidelity. I'm not saying this is the case with yourselves as I don't know enough to judge but it's common enough that it's a red flag for me.

If it was your daughter telling you this about someone she was with what would you tell her to do?

I would tell her to leave 🥺

Please do the freedom project op.

And read "why does he do that" by Lundy bancroft.

I'm ten years down the line from you and I'm a broken shell of a woman.

Get legal advice, protect your assets and get him gone.

When you try to get him out of your life, he will either love bomb you, verbally abuse/intimidate you more or both, but get support and stick it out

Xx

He is totally mentally ill . Leave him. I told my husband for my previous relationships and even the abortion I got. No judgement. I know of his previous relationships. Call them sexual encounters or relationships, whatever.

The relationship started out abusive and remained abusive. It won't ever get better.

I doubt he ever believed you slept with your brother in law. Its a tactic to isolate you. You won't want to go through the hassle of being interrogated again so won't invite your family round again. It won't get better, this is who he is.
The change in behaviour might also be a sign he is cheating. It's easier to justify it to himself if he can convince himself you are cheating.

You won't regret leaving.
If he is nice 90% of the time it doesn't make up for the rest of the time when he is asking you questions and stressing you out.
If he cared about you being a happy family he wouldn't behave like that.
No staying together and being a happy family isn't an option. It's stay with him and your child grow up seeing a stressed out/ abused mum or you leave. Children hear what's going on even when you think they are asleep. She will be aware of the atmosphere as she grows up.

I was in a controlling relationship with my children's dad. He basically stalked me and he behaved like your partner did as well. Turns out he had cheated multiple times!

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did your dad treat your mum similarly?.

You do not love this man and his actions towards you are rooted in abuse. This man hates women, all of them. What he has shown you throughout this dysfunctional relationship is the nice/nasty cycle of abuse and that is a continuous one. The nice him was an act designed to draw you in and it worked. You are likely to be codependent rather than in love with him along with being trauma bonded. That’s the harm he’s done to you.

If you really do want your daughter to have a good life going forward then this sham relationship has to end. Womens aid can help as can the police.

He is never going to stop. Leave, trust me children suffer far worse in toxic homes than they do when parents separate. He is an abusive arse, you deserve so much better than this.

No, he is abusive and horrible. And nobody should demand that you swear on your child's life- that's awful on several levels: not least that your word is so undervalued.

Find someone who likes your family (assuming you like them yourself!) and who doesn't want to isolate you from people in this way- and who can model a good relationship to your child. But first, get your head right and learn that you are enough and that you and she deserve a hell of a lot more.

I want to do right by her

Then don't make her grow up in an abusive household.