How to adapt when they really do change for the better?

[Dickensives]

Hi, need some advice.

Been with DP for 5 years, known him a lot longer through friends.

He approached me initially initiating dates etc, all started well, first 3 months was lovely, nice dates, good contact, consistent, great guy. He then started to slip in conversation about some past trauma, being cheated on in the past (some of which I was kinda aware of) so wasnt very red flaggy.

He then became quite mentally unwell. Very anxious, depressed couldn’t get out of bed, had a lot of time off sick from work, dates dried up but we still hung out at my place. Then he lost his flat (landlord wanted it back at end of term) by this point we had been together about a year so he moved in with me.

He then lost his job which led to more depression and heavy drinking. Very heavy. Opening a beer or pouring a G&T in minutes of waking kinda drinking. Some months in to this he admitted he has always struggled with alcohol addiction.
lots of madness in this time trashing my own boundaries, lending him money to pay bills, dealing with his drunken abusive outbursts, helping him through a court case, he was then arrested for being abusive towards me but was de arrested as he stated he was suicidal so much happened it was a blur. I genuinely was in shock. I felt awful for him as he seemed to have some terrible luck, was quite mentally unwell at points but also did nothing to help himself.

I told him I wanted to end the relationship and he was devastated. He vowed to change. And I can honestly say he did. It was like a switch. He woke up the next morning did not drink, phoned for help with that, got some work with a friend (which has now resulted in full time well paid job), worked on his MH, paid me back everything he borrowed from me, went out of his way to help me with things I needed, basically everything and more he didn’t.

it’s been 3 months now since his ‘change’ and it genuinely seems to be for good. He says he is grateful everyday for changing for the better and is disgusted at his past.

Thing is, I don’t really care. I don’t see him the same anymore. I am pleased he isn’t killing himself. But everytime I tell him I don’t want the relationship anymore he can’t see why because of the process he has made.

it’s complicated because he is now everything I wanted. But I don’t want it?! Anyone have any advice???

Yes. He's an abuser and his abuse was deliberate or he wouldn't have just stopped. Think about that.

If you're concerned that he will get physical, then I'd pack up his stuff when he's out and change the locks. If it's still your place that is.

If he gets aggressive, call the police. Abusers don't change and he sounds like a car crash.

You can end a relationship for any reason. You say you’re not into him anymore. You have not taken the vows, “for better or for worse.” You are allowed to play the starring role in your own life, rather than a bit part in his.

You've stayed with him through his worst. It's fantastic he loved you enough to make the charges you wanted. I can understand nevertheless that having lived through a really rough period, you may simply not feel either like continuing or that you no longer have the same feelings as before. You have had three months to adapt to the new him. I would probably give it longer to basically get over the shock of the last few years. Trust needs to be rebuilt. Communication too I expect. Hard work for both of you. But if your heart is not in it, better to stop now and give both of you the opportunity to move on in the best way you can. It may be you simply no longer love him in which case leave. It may be that you need time and perhaps counselling to work through what happened. In which case stay.

You think she should give someone who was arrested for being abusive towards her more time? Do you mean until he attacks her again?

Some things there's no coming back from. You have every right to leave, even if he's being nice right now.

If you break a very nice vase, then glue back together all the pieces, is it the same as before? No, the vase had been damaged and no amount of glueing can fix it. Same for your relationship. He has hurt you very badly and broken your trust. The relationship is damaged and no amount of glueing can undo the damage.

But it's only been 3 months
You don't really know if this is for good
Chances are likely that it isn't
Sounds like it's too little too late and the damage is done

Yes. Break up with him. The relationship has run it's course and he's in a much better place now to be able to handle it.

This. Rebuilding trust is very difficult to do. It can be done in some cases, if both parties want to put in the work to have those very difficult conversations, over a long time period. But it's not a simple path to take, and certainly he can't expect you to just switch back to normal without processing what you went through.

Oh I missed that bit. OP doesn't elaborate what the abuse was. He was arrested and then dearrested? Sorry, I don't understand that. But yes of course if the guy is abusive then leave. I couldn't get over that, many people wouldn't either. Three months is a blink of an eye. If op felt differently there might be a way forwards with therapy but given what's she said, she's leaving.

He then lost his job which led to more depression and heavy drinking. Very heavy. Opening a beer or pouring a G&T in minutes of waking kinda drinking.

Some months in to this he admitted he has always struggled with alcohol addiction.lots of madness in this time trashing my own boundaries, lending him money to pay bills, dealing with his drunken abusive outbursts, helping him through a court case, he was then arrested for being abusive towards me but was de arrested as he stated he was suicidal so much happened it was a blur.

it’s been 3 months now since his ‘change’ and it genuinely seems to be for good

This sounds very naive

Funny how he can just switch the morning after you telling him its over. 3 months is nothing. He's scared of losing you as his emotional punchbag.
No wonder you feel nothing. You suffered years of his abuse.
Don't let his supposed good behaviour fool you. You should end this now.

Hi,

He was drunk and shouting and raving, getting in my face, wouldn’t let me out of the kitchen, pulled photos off the wall etc I called the police and they came and arrested him took him out into the police car, while I spoke to another officer for hours. She looked at my home camera footage of what he had been doing etc, but about an hour later she went back out to the car spoke to her colleague and came back to say they were reluctant to take him in to custody as he was very drunk, tearful and saying he would kill himself if arrested so they took him to his brothers house instead. But 12 hours later his brother dropped him back to mine

I suppose I can’t get past the guilt that he did have a string of awful events to him and has really put in the effort to make sure that wouldn’t happen again. My feelings just ate not the same about him, but I do feel guilty as he is doing everything right now!

Its a no from me.

• bad and unfortunate things happen to everyone, it's how you react and what you do with it....not everyone becomes abusive thats his choice.
• this isnt proof of change. 3m is nothing against 5 years.

-You have no future with him IMO. How can you ever trust him to behave decently if you have the audacity to be vulnerable (ie children, long term sickness etc)?

• if it was as easy as that why in gods name did he put you through hell for years????

I'd be shaping up to leave

You don’t owe him anything. If he has changed sufficiently to maintain that change that’s great. - but people can only get & stay sober for themselves, not others.

You can end a relationship for any reason. If he starts on the ‘but I did everything you asked’ line it shows he potentially doesn’t understand what sobriety is or what being responsible is.

I imagine that part of yiu is anxiously waiting for it all to happen again. You don’t have to live like that. And if you’re not but you have the ick from his past behaviour that’s fine too.

Is it because you are worried he will relapse into drinking if you actually end the relationship? If so that would suggest you don't really believe in the new him, as it will likely end at the next difficult life event. Either way you don't have to stay in the relationship. He doesn't get to decide that for you.

This is awful. Why is everyone putting his safety and wellbeing above yours ffs? OP, you're never going to get him to agree to finish the relationship. Mainly because he's a leech and an abuser and knows that you will put up with a HELL of a lot and he won't find another person like that again in a hurry. Make the decision to kick him out and be firm. Change the locks, get his stuff together, don't engage. Block him on everything. Get someone to stay with you while you're getting rid of him. Don't listen to his threats. Call the police as needed. And prioritise yourself as this guy is bad news.

This is true and he has said this too.

He wants to move past everything and just shove it in the past. We have discussed it but he said it’s keen to ‘just move on’.

I think I am kind of waiting for something else; but I am also suspicious that he can keep up this amount of change, he seems almost a bit frantic with it and Iv said he won’t be able to sustain it.

I suppose I can’t get past the guilt that he did have a string of awful events to him

That is awful for him but he should deal with it on his own or with a counselor. You don't have to be his punching bag.

and has really put in the effort to make sure that wouldn’t happen again

If he's genuinely committed to dealing with his alcoholism, he will continue to make the effort even if you are not with him.

Guilt is not a good reason to stay in a relationship where you don't have feelings or a dysfunctional relationship (ask me how I know!). It's even a worse reason to stay in an abusive relationship.
I've heard that AA are advised to be sober for an entire year before starting to date someone.

Sadly ime burying it doesn’t really work. If you want to carry on with the relationship maybe ask him to move out and for the pair of you to try from separate households?

Also - you use the word ‘frantic’ - that is familiar to me and is (again - only ime) not a good sign

Completely agree with @username299

If he turned off all this awful behavior overnight and has been able to completely stop doing it, it was always within his control whether he acted abusively or nicely and until he was called out on it, his initial choice was to be abusive. Also, 3 months isn't very long in the grand scheme of things. He may well drift back to what you now know is his default behaviour.

It's sad for him that he has a troubled background but you aren't his mum or his counsellor, you don't owe him unconditional love or a level of service. You are allowed to say "this isn't working for me, goodbye".

Hopefully he won't be completely without anywhere to go but only so that you don't get sucked in to being responsible for him any longer.

BUt if he could do every thing right now he could always have done it? So if he acted badly before its because thats the way he prefers to act. He likes being drunk, tearful, and threatening suicide to get his own way. These are his coping mechanisms and he loves them like a child loves a security blanket or a burglar loves his lockpicks.

Take his good behavior for three months as the opening of your cage door. Leave him with a cheery wave. He doesn’t need you—he can manage his trauma just fine if he has to/wants too. He will either return to horrendous, threatening, abusive behavior to get you back or stay functional and romance the next fool who will take him on. He is a manipulative abuser—the sweet man you met was the illusion he cast to catch you.

I suppose I can’t get past the guilt that he did have a string of awful events to him and has really put in the effort to make sure that wouldn’t happen again.

This makes no sense. You weren't responsible for this string of events, so why would you feel guilty? Sympathetic perhaps but not guilty.

You're saying you feel responsible for maintaining his sobriety - like you're his lucky charm and his reward for good behaviour.

If so he's not really sober, is he. He's just leaning on you the way he leant on alcohol. You're his crutch - his current drug.

Sobriety means ability to depend on himself not upon outside support and stimulants.