Hi,
This could get long but I feel I need to give some background.
I met my ex in 2015. The relationship was a bit rocky from a year in, because- as I later found - he is avoidant. He would regularly walk away and say he couldn't do the relationship. Then the next day be apologising and wondering why I wasn't acting like nothing had happened. This happened a few times, and I seemed to fall into a bit of a rescuer role, as he definitely had and has mental health difficulties.
Anyway, I had a child with him. Not planned but very much wanted. She's amazing of course and I'm glad to have her. In 2019, he suddenly started holing up at his parents' place where he has an annexe, and not spending time with the family anymore. We hardly ever saw him and it was all to do with his mental health. I pretty much begged him to sort things out and even went with him to a MH assessment. After 6 long years of his behaviour, which, after our daughter was born, became emotionally abusive as well, I ended the relationship in 2021. I found it very hard to cut it off, and ended up taking him back but only for a few weeks and not long enough for anyone else to know. He was just never going to help himself.
He continually told me he was going to get himself sorted from then onwards. So I remained invested. Because of course if he sorted himself out, I still loved him and I'd take him back. Plus, we have a daughter together. But in 2022 he had two periods of several months of not so much as contacting me to ask about our child. He was usually seeing her several times a week - at my home. From then onwards, I started separating emotionally finally. Then in 2023 I had some major health issues that made me vulnerable, and in the end he didn't support with our daughter. I had to find childcare for her when I was taken seriously ill and in hospital for 2 weeks, because he couldn't step up after having yet another aggressive outburst with me a few days before I became ill. So for all that time my daughter stayed with my friend whilst worrying about her mum, and didn't see her dad.
And yet... he brings our daughter home here to do bedtime on the days he has her, because he's not got a space for her at his. His sons have a bedroom each and only stay every other weekend. I've recently said she has to stay every other weekend on the Saturday night so I can start having a life, but this isn't going well as he flakes. I've continued to go with them some weekends to help with her clubs, or taking her to the park. This is partly driven by fear of him not managing her. He wouldn't hurt her but he can become shouty and I want to manage their relationship. Our daughter also likes seeing us together and for the most part it is positive. She never sees animosity. He still asks me what I'm up to and tells me things about his life randomly. Like this morning he sent a random text saying he'd had some good news. Nothing about our daughter.
It took a good 2 years but last year I felt ready to think about dating again. I still felt connected to him and found it hard, but by November I went on a really good date that resulted in a kiss but ultimately went nowhere, and that was enough for me to finally be able to draw the line. Since then, I've been dating someone else.
The problem I'm having is, my ex is so enmeshed with my life. I don't ask him anything about his anymore, but he will ask me. He will look at stuff. He has to come here when he has our daughter. I also know he still loves me, but I do not love him anymore. I do, however, care about him; and I am scared of telling him I'm dating. But I will have to if things progress. I'm worried he will spiral and be devastated. I'm worried it'll change things for our daughter.
How can I do this in the best way for everyone? I'm dating someone I think is lovely, but it is very early and things may not go anywhere. Eventually it will with someone though. I want him to know I'm moving on with my life and am no longer an option for that pie in the sky day when he sorts out his life. Please help!