Have I messed up? Please help!!

[Hello2025helloworld]

Hello - I have NCed for this. I have had horrible colds/flu/vomiting over Christmas and NY (flated up ahain after my return to work) so illness is not helping me to think straight.

In 2016, I left my alcoholic DP, taking our 13 year old son. DS is wonderful and is doing well at university. We have a lovely relationship. I have little other close family apart from my mum (my sister died in 2020).

I have hardly dated since separation in 2016, as a) dating pool is awful and b) just not a priority.

However, in 2024 a man than I had known for 2 years asked me out, and we have been dating for a few months. I enjoy spending time with him, and the relationship (he is widowed). However, over Christmas I did not hear much from him. Myself and my son were away for Christmas and New Year, staying with my widowed mum who lives 120 miles away. I was hurt because I had the flu. He also cancelled a trip to see me, as i was unwell (although beginning to recover).

This made me question the relationship and wonder if I was being faded out as it seemed an abrupt change. I find Christmas hard anyway because it reminds me of loss of sibling and wider family (her grown up children don't talk to me .... a while other issue), coupled with flu bug which really brought me low. I deactivated WhatsApp for a few days as I didn't want to face dealing with a potential breakup.

Anyway he has now got in touch by email to ask to meet up/go for lunch. Flu bug has flared up again so I am not sure if I am overthinking things/being over sensitive. Overall he seems like a really nice guy but there were a couple of odd things I'd noticed.

Added complication is that I had confided in my son, as I was upset. He is now keen for us to break up. Son is 21 and living away from home when at university. His father died from alcohol related illness in December 2023 so that side of the family are incommunicado with him as they blame him (and me) for it. Unreasonable and unfair but there you go. It means though rhat he relies on me and I also don't want him to feel threatened by a new relationship.

My head is fuzzy from the flu and I really don't know what to do or how to tackle this. Please be gentle!! Any advice/insights great appreciated, or even a handhold.

Thanks if you've made it this far!

Is DS now back at uni? I’m afraid I think you are setting too much store by his opinion. He’s 21. You’ve been on your own since 2016 (sorry edited date). He can’t expect you to be alone forever!

Of course, if you confided in him then he will have a unfavourable picture of your chap. DS will be concerned for you.

Honestly I’d start back up with lunch etc and see where it goes. Keep an eye on the couple of odd things (whatever they were) but I would take it as a nice bit of company and affection. It doesn’t have to be another marriage. Take it on your terms.

Hope you feel better soon, this flu has floored so many people this Christmas! Maybe that’s also why your chap went a bit quiet…

Thanks! He's not yet back at uni but will be soon.

Christmas is an intense time with everyone often having differing expectations. If you like this guy then I'd do as pp says, keep going, on your own terms.

Did you tell him you were deactivating WA? If that's your normal way of keeping in touch then he might not have known what was going on or wantee to give you space until you felt better.

See how things are when they are settled down. Of course, if you're not that into him then you can end it for whatever reason you like. I wouldn't be putting much stock in my son's opinion though, unless he has genuine concerns.

With kindness, yo were upset with him for not communicating enough over a Christmas you'd planned to spend apart so you block him on WhatsApp and cut off communication? Is that a bit hypocritical?

It's sounds like you both just had family priorities over Christmas and then you got poorly.

I'm sorry but if some had/was recovering from flu there is no way on earth I would be going to visit them! Flu nearly had me in hospital a few years back, I wouldn't risk it. Even for someone I was super into!

I think you're being a bit unfair on him, I don't think he's done anything wrong.

Thanks for the insight, that's helpful.

I'm nearly 56, it's been 35 years since I've had yo navigate the dating world!