I’ve just had a revelation about my narcissistic ex husband.

[Fortheloveofaboy]

I think I’ve just cracked something that has been confusing me for many years. My ex with me was covert and now with his new partner has become overtly narcissistic. I’ve been thinking what on earth is happening. Has he just had a personality transplant.

look he isn’t diagnosed but he’s wrecked all his relationships and he appears to be involving his style. He beat the gfs before me, but not me. He wasn’t allowed access to his child via a judge for many years so let’s just say he is.

What I’ve come to understand is whatever the outwardly way of behaving it’s the inner reason that matters. I’m not materialistic so he learned this would not work. He is special and in need of feeling special all the time so needs constant supply. They do what they learn works to get that supply. So what they do adapts to each person they seek supply from. The new lady will be different (but no doubt compassionate and a fixer/pleaser type) so they will adapt like a chameleon I guess. I was wondering how could he suddenly have a complete personality change. I think they get better at hiding as they gain experience. And his ego is growing using me as a scapegoat.

Does this sound right to those who have understanding on this.

I disagree that they get better at hiding. Narcissists, especially covert narcissists, often find themselves isolated and alone in later life becuase over time the veil lifts.

In terms of personiality transplant - I think the key point is that they need something from the other person, mostly around the need to feel superior, better, greater. And whlie a grandiose narcissist might do this in a different way to a covert narcissist, I don't see any reason why there wouldn't be overlap. The covert narcissist in our life was never full blown grandiose, but that was more because he's not competent enough. He certainly tried - lots of very visible "help" and "understanding" to other people etc. But ultimately, he couldn't maintain that so quickly reverted to playing the victim who is just being screwed over by everyone else.

I suppose it’s a long game and depends on the person who’s giving the supply. I know some people are more willing or maybe more predisposed to care and give up their own needs. It’s a very complicated disorder to understand. It’s hard when you share a kid.

In my life experience, an overt narcissist never stops talking about themselves and a covert narcissist never stops thinking about themselves. The former are far easier to deal with.

Yes at least you know where you stand and it’s your choice if you want a relationship with them as they aren’t hiding anything