How to deal with husband with depression?

[Hunnybunny235]

Hi,

I feel like I’m out of my depth here. Husband and I have 2 beautiful children. They are both really young so we have both struggled with our mental wellbeing and self of identity. I have seen some real lows since having kids and was at one point very bad. I made a decision I would make myself better for the sake of our kids and now that my daughter is 2 she only knows happy mommy. I try very hard to not let things get under my skin.

My poor husband is going through a very hard time. He doesn’t like being around the kids when they scream and cry but his depression has led him to say things like “why did I ever have them? Or I’d be better off without kids.” Which in turns makes me very sad. His been having angry outbursts and crying a lot in front of them which isn’t healthy at all but god do I feel ever so sorry for him. I’m going to sound like an awful human but he punched a table in front of our daughter and I told him he needs to get help or I’ll take the kids away.

Now I feel like the villain for saying that but it feels like he isn’t even trying to be better. I sent him a therapy sight and he didn’t want to sign up and won’t take any steps to helping himself. I feel so helpless. What’s worst is that I’m losing all interest in our relationship. Our sex life has obviously taken a toll and I only see the negative side to him. I feel so evil for feeling this way, I really do want to help but I don’t know how. He blames me for a lot of things so it doesn’t help make me feel sympathetic when his anger is directed at me.

I think the best thing to do is for him to move out.

Stop all the guilt and saying you feel evil for being pissed off with him. Your job as a partner isn’t to take his shit while he does nothing to help himself. It’s OK and normal to be frustrated and furious with a man who cries and says he wishes your children had never been born and punches furniture.

Your impulse to take the kids away is a good one. It doesn’t make you a bad person, it makes you a self-respecting human being and a responsible mother.

My husband suffers from severe depression, he has PTSD from a very difficult and abusive childhood. After we married he hit a significant low and had planned a suicide attempt. This was caught, and finally after 30 odd years of being at war with himself, he finally spoke to medical professionals, started meds and engaged a therapist for treatment.

When he started the therapeutic process he wrote a letter to the therapist explaining his background and his ‘why’. He put down he wanted to be the best husband he could be, and eventually be the best father, and to do that he had to get himself well.

The process is hard. He finds the therapy hard and has to white knuckle through some days to show up and get it done. We are currently expecting our first little one, and so he has remained committed to the process, and has moved from CBT into EDMR.

The reason I’ve written all this is because you have given him the choice, to take accountability for himself, to do the work and get better, and offered him support throughout, but if he’s not willing to engage and show up in a better way for you and his own children. Then you start considering doing what he can’t, and put your own wellbeing and children first.

Don't look at the potential of a man post therapy. The man is what is before you today, and he doesn't sound like a good partner or father. Do you want your kids to overhear that their dad say he wishes he never had kids?

If you strongly encourage a partner to attend therapy, they may do it to keep you quiet and say 'See, I did what you told me to do and it didn't help'.

It's 2025, everyone knows therapy exists, if people really want to get themselves out of a rut it has to come from within. I have, with optimism, previously encouraged 2 men to attend therapy and I think they both did it shut me up or keep me onside. I will never do it again. I am sure one is back on the apps boasting to women he has 'been to therapy' despite the fact nothing about him or his behaviour changed.

Your children witnessed quite a significant violent act.
Tough, but they need to be the priority. He needs to engage in support if anything is to change. Does he realise the impact of his behaviour will be on them. Gently, do you?