Just need a chat

[Happygoluckywasme]

So I been with my partner for 17years this year. We have 3 small children 3 , 2 and 3months ..
Just recently well since being pregnant with last baby things have changed and I'm just so done and fed up for years I've put up with this miserable older man (I'm 38 he is 52) who just doesn't seem to like anybody apart from his friends and his mum to be fair I don't even think he likes me!!! He has never once taken me out on a date, he doesn't drink so if I wanted a drink at home I don't because where's the fun in that we never do anything as a family wen I suggest anything it's a no or an excuse or wtf I wanna do that for but if it's something he decides on doing its fine (I don't drive so to go further out I rely on him) so yer since I been with him it's been nothing but depressing to be honest always miserable always moaning always slagging my family and always spoke to me like shit! Just recently I've begun to withdraw my feelings and become very distant it was like wen I was pregnant I was worried as everyday I was losing brown blood n he got so annoyed I wanted to get checked out n he had word and would rather have gone to work than know if baby OK or skipping midwife appointments because he had work and then on times he did take me and he had work over lapping I would get moaned at never mind we needed these appointments to make sure me n baby was OK n healthy TESCO CAME FIRST it seemed. Then I asked him to have the snip the excuse of it's a long waiting list so I had to have my tubes cut during c section that went wrong n took a whole lot of getting the bleeding under control n putting things bk in right place evt I was in theatre for 3hrs and in a hell of alot of pain after as muscles needed alot of squeezing any ways I've had many convos and arguments about the way he is n the things I would like to change and he assured me he wud get onit.. I stupidly signed exchange forms an hours drive from my home town away from all my family to his home town where his mother ect is... and it seems like he's got worse n he won't leave my home I chucked him of to his mummy n next morning made his way bk here all happy like nothing happened lol once again kids went to there room to play and I sat n had the same chat I've had with him multiple times and he thinks me talking to him is on his case negative n he wanted to shut it down after 5mins and then kept asking me wat I want from him to make stuff better like.... for real I've had this convo alot of times and it seems it's one ear and out the other he flames me for alot of shit in this relationship and also puts me down and tells me if he left the children would be dragged up ... and then says we need relationship counselling n then I wud shut up because I wud be told I'm the problem in the relationship basically. It's just frustration after frustration n row after row n I'm sick of it n it's like I don't think I.love him anymore I'm fed up of trying but on the other hand it's like il miss him in someways and so will the kids and I'm scared to do it all on my own I have no1 here no friends no family no help. Just abit of a rant really as I'm sure my family fed up of hearing it . Thanks for reading

It sounds like you have been unhappy in this relationship for quite a while, but then you say things have changed recently? I assume it was a joint decision to have 3 children in such a short time? That’s a lot to deal with and would put pressure on any relationship.

I guess you have to consider whether you want to stay in this relationship. How would you manage on your own? Is house in joint names? Are you working and on maternity leave at present? A lot to think about.

He's never treated you well and he's not going to change. If you don't leave you're going to end up as his unpaid carer.

@Channellingsophistication I say recently maybe past few years since preg with my son. And our first was kinda planned a nice suprise after a failed ivf round and giving up a d then falling preg naturally 5months later 6 months after she was born found out I was preg again not planned and never thought it would happen again for me as we was trying for 10years+ after 2nd baby we used protection but the 1 time he didn't ( I thought he had protection on ) i fel preg again now he dosnt see there's any issues and I should stop moaning at him and stressing him out n basically put up and shut up and tells me I've been like it since having my 4 month old and I'm postnatal I agree that these 3 babies so close together is putting alot of strain on the relationship but it's just adding to wat strain there was already there. I'm constantly frustrated with him as he dosnt want to talk any of this out and when I try he starts slagging my mum or my family or something completely random that has nothing to do with the issues I'm trying to address and I won't talk to him about this issues when kids are around and I try when they go blood bed n get shut down it's like anything I say to him is a personal attack I'm just sick to death of it all and I tell him to leave and he won't n it's my home my name on tenancy, I get my own money to live off and can barely survive of that with bills ect I'm hardly left with anything to survive a month while he has his job still but is looking for a transfer from one store to the next so not worked since Oct...and apparently that's my fault too lol... sometimes I feel like running away I love my kids and don't want to leave them but he just won't listen and won't change and I see it now he makes me feel so worthless n a sh*t mum like tonight he involved himself in me telling my 3yo not to do something 6x and then warned her she will go to her room she continued so I took her to the stairs and said go to ur bedroom I warned u blah blah.. he came out undermining me infront of her n told me I was having a power trip with a 3yo ... like ???? I can do this on my own as scary as it sounds but things will fall into place but it's taking him away from them it's hard situation 😢 😭 😿 😢

This sounds so difficult and you sound a bit trapped. His name only on tenancy? Why isnt it in joint names when you have been together so long. Assume with such small children you are not working?

Do you have family that would help and support you if you broke up?

@Channellingsophistication my family live in another town i habe no1 here I d0nt know anyone. Not working and no house is in my name he's just on tjere as like one of the Children an occupant if you get me and I didn't want to do a joint one because here if you break up and one leaves the property you both lose the tenancy. I feel trapped I feel so low I just don't know what to do anymore everyday is ground hogg say and he only wants to be here for the kids nothing more he tells me to tell him wat he can do to sort things bit hes been told this so many times and still nothing changed and I.feel I shouldn't need to tell him again because if he wanted.to.truly work on things he would of listened and worked on himself 4 to 5 months ago and I feel it's all fake anyways he should want to treat me better . I'm not the bad horrible ugly person he makes me feel. I didn't deserve this crap

Sorry, you are feeling so low. Must be really hard right now.

You could consider relationship counselling, but I suspect he wouldn’t really engage with it. He seems to want to blame you for the issues in the relationship.

I’m glad the house is just in your name, that is good news.

Perhaps the thing to do is try and have some relationship counselling but in the back of your mind make a plan to separate. In say two years time your eldest child will be at school. The second one would be at preschool perhaps your youngest could go to a childminder. Then you could work and get some money behind you?

@Channellingsophistication the plan is to go back to work even if it's just part time soon as kids are in school and youngest is in nursery... he has suggested relationship councilling but then tells me 'I WILL SHUT UP WHEN I REALISE IM THE ONE THAT GOES ON N ON' lol but as I tell him do u think a relationship counsellor will say it's healthy to not talk about your issues at all your doing the best thing. I wouldn't even know how to even go about getting g councilling may e it could help. Bit il look something up .
Thank you for listening