Lonely as Hell and feel so abnormal :-(

[shinealight]

Hi, sorry if this is not the right place to post this. I've been a regular reader of mumsnet but never had the balls to post anything before but dont know where else I can turn.

I just dont feel this is normal, I'm married with 4 dc, my marriage as it's ups and downs like all marriages, dh loves me and I love him, I adore our dc and love spending time with them, playing, helping with homework, reading etc but when they are in bed or doing their own thing I'm so bloody miserable and lonely.

We work from home, dh and I have seperate jobs abd although we see each other alot through the the day and night I just feel invisible most of the time. We chat and joke together and get along fine (he's an arsehole at times but arn't all men?) thats not really the issue, I think we get used to the way our partners are and learn to deal with them best we can.

I feel my problem is I feel so trapped, I have no friends, my dh says he loves spending time with me, even if we're not doing anything or talking etc, just being in the same room or around each other is what makes him happy, I on the other hand although I love my family feel I need more. He hates me spending time with anyone else and moaned constantly if I called round to friends or chatted on the phone/online with them so eventually I kept in contact with them less and less until it eventually fizzled out.

I know I should just grab the bull b y the horns and get out and meet new people or catch up with old friends again but I just feel like I've dug myself into such a deep lonely hole I can't find my way out. I know that if I did contact old friends again or tried to go out it would cause a row and I don't want that, the fact that I kept up with contact in secret when dh thought I was no longer in touch with friends says it all really.

I was such an outgoing person with lots of friends when dh and I met and in the early days when dating etc before marriage and dh would complain if I wanted to go out etc I would pay little attention but over the yrs I started to make excuses to friends and stay in for an easy life. But I've done that for so many yrs now I feel like this is all I have now.

I've tried to discuss it with dh and he just says he doesn't stop me doing anything I want to do (he doesn't by physical means) but he does mentally/emotionally IYKWIM. He says theres nothing wrong with wanting to spend all his time with me and loves me being around, I love spending time with him too but I just feel I need time to be ME not just a wife or mother. I don't want to argue with him about it and I don't want any friction but I'm feeling so low at the thought of having no-one else but my dh & dc in my life.

I'm sorry if I sound pathetic and I know I should just be greatful I have a loving dh and 4 beautiful and healthy dc considering the crap some women have to deal with but I just needed to let it all out before I scream.

I think theres a part of him that likes me more being this way (over-weight & lacking in confidence) I've always been the type of person that will talk to anyone and try to see the good in everyone. I'm quite a shy person but am able to overcome it by just rambling on and ignoring my embarrasement and before I realise it I feel at ease chatting away. I've never had a problem making friends but dh says I trust people and make friends to easily

I can understand why you want to try and avoid conflict. I think most of us do, most of the time. And your dh reminds me of mine in certain respects; he had friends before we met but no-one close (I think his chronic illness has made him isolated for most of his life) and I don't think he misses contact with them now we're in the UK and they're mostly still in Sweden. I keep up with a few of them on his behalf, really.

So let's assume that your dh's attitude is borne out of a belief that a married couple should only need each other. And insecurity about you spending time with other people, so a lack of trust.

Can you talk to him about it, calmly and quietly, and explain that you miss contact with friends to talk about girly stuff, mum stuff, etc. That, perhaps without consciously meaning to, his comments make you feel like you can't go out. Maybe even show him this thread?

I'm trying to put the most positive spin I can on what's been described as phrases like "I said we had decided to make a pact to get together once a month for a girls night out he told me in no uncertain terms that that wouldn't be happening" don't sit well with me. He's not the boss of you.

It's up to you - but if I were you, I would want to tackle this before all the kids have moved out and you are left just the two of you. Okay, that's probably 10 years off but still ....

I know you said the violence was a long time ago but are you still feeling threatened by it in the back of your mind? He may well think that just by giving you looks or snide remarks that you will think back to times he has "won" and that you will back down. Every time he does that he is controlling you big time. If he is explicitly threatening you, you must take action. Talk to someone in real life about what he makes you feel. I hope you can get the confidence to do what you want again soon. Even just go out for a walk on your own, take your phone but don't necessarily make plans or announce them, just feel the space and freedom!It's a small step in the right direction.

tribpot - thank you, I will try to explain it to him in the way you've put it, perhaps I've gone about it in the wrong way in the past and he feels I'm laying blame and thats why he gets so defensive and dismisses me so easily.

It just all feels a bit one sided though, if he decides to do something or go somewhere he'll just do it and go without any mention to me. If I was to say something like "oh, I didn't know you where going there or doing that" his reply would be along the lines of "oh, I thought I'd said" no discussion or anything.

Woollymummy - I'm not sure if I still feel threatened? I just try not to get into a situation where it could be a possibility of violence arising. I hated the way we where together when it was like that and I just don't want to go down that road again. I think the idea of just going out for a walk is a good one, a bit of time and peace just for me and hopefully will help me to lose some weight. I honestly feel that if I could slim down a bit I'd feel more confident but then I guess that just another excuse

SAL I do feel for you honestly- you sound so low.

There is a very good saying in counselling, which is:

you can't change other people, only yourself.

Your husband may not change, but YOU can. And when he sees you change, he can either change as well- and by that I mean treat you as if he loves and respects you, which he isn't doing now- or he can remain jealous and unhappy.

You need to start by changing your mind set-and stop being negative. Everything you want can be yours- but it's up to YOU.

I think you know that you have allowed yourself to be a victim- and have developed a victim mentality.

I think you could dig yourself into this deeper and deeper by looking at your past- well have that, but as adults with free will, we have the opportunity to change our present and our future- nothing is gained by looking back, except to understand why you are where you are now- but that in itself won't make it all better- only acting on it will.

I think you should ask your GP for CBT- cognitive behaviour therapy- that is what is recommended now instead of anti-depressants.
it is very practical and works well with issues like yours. I work in a similar field myself.

Ads are a sticking plaster- they don't deal with the cause. They just dull the pain.

Please try to make your life better- it's the only one you have - and you know you deserve better.

Good luck.

Shinealight...gosh, I feel for you sooo much. You sound like a beautiful caged bird with so much to offer the world. You cannot live your life like this. You obviously are (or could be) the most wonderful girlfriend and we all need special girl friendships because men are different. They don't have the empathy and understanding sometimes that women have.

I think you need to read and re-read MsBomastic's post of 03.52. Do you want to be in the same situation as her Mum - with so much to offer in the way of friendship and never being able to fulfil yourself in that way? (MsBombastic - your post bought tears to my eyes)

I know that you can get worn down (I have been like that) but you have to take small steps to put things right. Go for a walk every day, it will help with the weight and its the right time of year to start. Lovely sunshine and green fields...

But you really must stand up to your DH because you may think he is caring for you, loving you and looking after you. But he is NOT. He obviously has insecurities and needs to feel totally in control of you and that is so wrong. You are a person in your own right and you deserve more.

I have just come back from a 4 day break with two of my oldest and dearest girlfriends and I can't put into words how wonderful it was. You should be able to do something like that one day. We all need friendships because DHs can't provide everything.

Please don't let your life slip by locked in a gilded cage by your husband.

Shinealight, so pleased for you that you are going to have a go at getting out and about. I think everyone deserves the happiest life they can acheive (so long as what you're doing doesn't hurt others!) I really wish you well, and hope you have some great times making wonderful memories with your friends ((()))