Never had a relationship in 15 years no sex 10 years

[RealTealDog]

Hi everyone, I’m 49 year old single mam of 2, my last relationship was 15 years ago, it was very abusive and violent, I left him due to this and brought up my youngest daughter solely on my own, she’s 15 now and has Autism, I’ve put my all into raising her, so never thought about having a serious relationship with anyone, I just thought ok put that on the back burner, I’ve had a few flings in the past, one could of been serious but I was going through some stuff to take it to the next level.
I just feel I’m not good dating or relationship material as I’ve been on my own for years, as I’ve got older I’ve not had much attention from men due to being overweight and feel I’m not attractive anymore, I tried online dating past few years and been rejected by a few men who didn’t find me attractive, had one tell me I was very ugly looking and blocked me, so even for a date I’m rejected so no hope in a relationship, been told I’m attractive by family and friends but I think they are being nice to me, but men don’t seem to like me, I think I’ve left it too late to find love, plus feel so undesirable that I don’t think anyone would want sex with me, I’m 12 stone and have a curvy figure but my face is so saggy and and asymmetrical looking I’m aging badly, I’ve not tried online dating for a good 2 years as no one seems interested in me at all, I must just look so hideous looking now, I feel I’m stuck and find it hard chatting to people in real life as I’m so paranoid on what they think of me

You could obviously do with raising your self esteem if you think you're so ugly no one wants to talk to you.

I'm sure you have lots going for you. Do you do anything to meet other people? Hobbies, interests, sports? Your children are teenagers so I assume you can take time out for yourself.

@username299 hi there, my youngest daughter is 15 and has Autism, so still not able to just go out on my own just yet, but I feel I’ve no self esteem due to other peoples reactions to me when they see me in person, it’s like I’m hideous looking or something, I’ve had some people move away from me as if I’ve got a disease and look at me with disgust, I hate it that my family say I look ok but I don’t that’s the thing, I think they feel sorry for me and just say that to make me feel better about myself, my ex broke my eye socket and nose misaligned my jaw bone when he got violent, as I’ve aged I look deformed.

I am sorry you had to experience being in such a terrible relationship. No doubt you are feeling weather-beaten.

Have you considered having therapy and working on your confidence? It is NEVER too late to step into the dating pool; however, you'll need to work on yourself. I do NOT recommend online dating apps for anyone with low self-esteem.

I'm sorry to hear about your ex. Have you had any therapy? If not, then I would highly recommend trauma based therapy to help work through this.

Raising your self esteem is essential. Try the Six Pillars of Self Esteem and you can find workbooks on Amazon.

You can't date at the moment as you can't leave your daughter but working on yourself prepares you for when you can. Have you done the Freedom Programme? It's essential to learn about healthy relationships before attempting to meet anyone.

I’m a big believer in beauty coming from within. I’ve seen ordinary looking people who seem attractive because they have lovely personalities, and very attractive people who seem ugly because they have really horrible personalities. I agree with others, you need to build your self-esteem up first so that you can find a man who is worthy of you.

@PromiseNotToCall hi there,
yes I’ve had therapy and I find it hasn’t worked as I’m still having issues on how I look, I’m very unattractive so yes I’m trying to be more confident but in reality it’s like I’m trying to fit in when infact no one is interested in me, I can see how people react to my physically appearance and they ignore me and this is women as well, I get stared at and laughed at, it’s being going on quite a while now, my doctor said more or less I was ugly as she says looks shouldnt matter as I told her about my mental health about it, she told me to get CBT and I did the course and therapy for 10 weeks, but I tried to utilise the tools I was given to every day life and it’s failed, if you look very unattractive in society people don’t care about your personality and I don’t know what to do anymore, I was looking at getting plastic surgery and the amount of surgery I would need would be over 30k and I haven’t got that money, I hate sounding shallow but Im looking at a life of loneliness due to being very ugly looking.

Would you consider cheaper beauty treatments? To boost your confidence in your appearance. Eyebrows, facials, other things non invasive perhaps? Also hair, nails, style of clothes. Does your daughter go to school? These sorts of things can be done when shes not with you.

My advice is don't search for your self worth in a relationship ship with a man, if you follow popular culture you will the most successful beautiful women by societies standards are always being cheated on by their partners.
This is even more so men on apps, not saying good ones don't exist but they truly are a needle in a haystack there.
Could you get out doing a hobby and meet like minded people as friends, of all genders.
If you are happy with yourself, you are more likely to maintain higher standards if and when you choose to date.

I agree with others that your mental state is going to make a big difference to how you might do with dating and relationships in the future.

Im obese and a lot heavier than you, believe me! I feel much happier with my life and my looks if I'm managing to exercise. But something for you, not for weight loss or whatever. I go to a calm yoga class at my community centre run by a very caring friend, she's very good at explaining and the yoga makes me feel much more calm. It's also really good for my body and I get stronger and more toned if I go regularly. I also like swimming and country walks and feel better afterwards. Do you think you could find a small inclusive exercise class or walking group that both you and your daughter could do together, assuming you can't leave her?