Not ‘in love’

[Whaddadoo]

Me and my DH (together 7yrs) have just told each other we’re not ‘in love’ with each other anymore, there’s love, admiration, consideration and care but we’re not ‘in love’- no intimacy/sex, no wants for dates etc.

But, we have each others back; financially, parenting, career support for each other.

Does anyone else live like this?

Im devastated but also relieved we’ve admitted it to each other as it’s felt like I’m grieving without a death.

No plans to seperate but it did get me thinking are a lot of marriages/long term relationship like this without it being spoken.. especially with children

And also.. is it unreasonable to carry on a relationship when neither are ‘in love’ anymore?

Why does it matter what anyone else does — focus on yourself. Is this enough for you, now, and for the future? Are you planning not to separate primarily for the children? Will you split when they’ve left home? Can you cope without sex longterm, or are you considering a discreetly open marriage?

I suppose it depends what is important to you.

Financial stability, security for your children and a great co-parenting relationship are all things not to be sniffed at, and would be enough for some people.

However staying in a loveless relationship can be soul destroying, and unhappy parents aren’t good for the kids either.

What happens if one of you develops feelings for someone else?

Have you considered counselling to see if your relationship can be fixed? Can you see anyway that the love could be rekindled?

I don’t know about how many are like this but I know I wouldn’t want to live like this personally especially at this stage of a relationship, and 7 years really isn’t a long time in the grand scheme of your life to already not be in love with the person who you want to spend your life with.

I think if you asked a group of people married for 25+ years maybe a lot of those people would say they are now in this position. My PIL relationship is like this, together 35ish years, but after 7 years? Life is too short.

I suppose it’s important what other people do as we’re all humans learning to live, some learn from example, some from doing- I don’t feel like I can openly talk to friends/family re. This matter so it’s nice to hear other’s experiences of similar and to maybe know their outcomes.

We did try couples counselling, it was helpful but nature has ways of hindering (incompatible sex drives, resentment, day to day life and niggles etc) the progress we was instructed to aim for.

It’s hard to tell if I can live with it, but financially we’d really struggle- we both came from nothing so it’s important to us both. Relationship wise- I struggle with lack of intimacy more than him so I’d be the one feeling it more.

We parent well together but a ‘discrete’ open marriage would probably destroy that I’m afraid.

Hmm.

DH and I have been together since 2002. I don't get the same butterflies and excitement every time he comes home I don't sit daydreaming about him when I am supposed to be working. I don't want to have sex with him all the time.

However I do want to have sex with him from time to time to time - twice a month maybe? And also if he wants to have sex with me, I can often (if not always) get in the mood even if it was not something on my mind particularly.

And I do always look forward to a date without the kids - or even just that we do the shopping together and then we go for a nice coffee together after. I love that.

So I am not madly in love with him but he is definitely not just a friend.

Then it sounds to me is if you’d be miserable being longterm celibate. Only you can know whether the finances make up for that. I agree with others that seven years is a very short time to have gone from being in love, committing, marrying etc to housemates.

Suppose what I'm saying is that you might not be in love with one another in a crazy way, but it is still a marriage and not eg just a friendship.

Blimey. You've got way way more of a good quality, respectful, nurturing and loving relationship with him than many women have who say they are "in love" with a rubbish DH!
OTOH I had a long relationship v like yours and at the time I could not bear the lack of intimacy and I fought and felt I was suffering and felt stuck and unhappy for years. The Dc felt that stress. Eventually I left - after 20 odd years, the last 15 with no sex at all (his choice). And now? He's my absolute best person, I love him so much, we holiday together and fully intend to grow old together ... in separate houses, seeing each other a couple of times a week, v different lives. Neither of us is interested in another relationship with anyone. I wish I'd been able to see what a good man he is, and all his good qualities and loving feelings towards me, when we were a family.

I always think too that if we had separated earlier then one or other might have started a new relationship and our lives now would be so different - more complicated, with a hugely reduced sense of having shared a life together and our shared joy and love for our DC ... and for what? I have no idea. But my god I do know how confusing and painful it is to be where you are now. Good luck.

The lack of intimacy, sex and dates - who is the main driver of this?

I have a friend in this situation, she and her husband are still living together and "life partners" in the raising of their children. However they have separate bedrooms and have actively tried dating other people which has had mixed results. My friend has also just come out as a lesbian.

Personally it wouldn't be for me and they will probably split up fully when the kids are older.

I'm not familiar with the intimate details of my parents' relationship, but they experienced a difficult period that lasted about a decade. They persevered through those challenges and have now been together for over 55 years. The rewards of their commitment include financial stability and companionship in their later years. I believe that far too many people abandon their relationships too early, lacking commitment and spending too much time daydreaming about what might be better in living another life.

Out of the 10 or so couples in my close circle who divorced, half regret it. Some have found happiness, and some are single. Dp's friend is thinking of divorcing, for now, he's talked him around...

Hi

What common interests do you have?

Financial stability is good to have in the bank and over your head but if you have money you could be spending and yet don’t really want to go out together for a nice dinner / to the cinema / to see friends, I’d say that goes a bit further than just falling out of love, and is a hefty thing sitting on the other side of the scales from the money in the bank shared financial safety. I’m not in love with my close friends but still welcome the chance to travel with them (and without my kids / husband).

How do you argue? How do you have discussions? Does he hear you out when you talk about something you’ve not spoken about to anyone at all? Or would he not be the person you would want to tell first? Does he find you funny? You don’t need to reply on this but does the thought of having sex turn you off / give you the ick / make you think you’d rather watch a film, clean a drawer or write a list?

So often sex is the symptom of something else. What might work for other people obviously doesn’t work for you if you feel the need to come here and say, in a form of words, “this doesn’t work for me”. And that’s OK.

I’d say my marriage is the same, it could be better could be worse but we are both happy.

That's such a shame.

It's not something I would entertain, as I would feel like I was existing instead of living. It's commendable he wishes to stick around; however, if he was in a better financial position, would he fly the nest to new pastures?

This one is tricky because I do believe that intimacy is a fundamental in a relationship, however it is normal for sex to wane in long term relationships.

It sounds like you have a good foundation, and there’s a lot to be said for having each-others backs, sharing values and making decisions that are based on what’s best for you as a couple / family unit (as quite often relationships are imbalanced in that way).

That stability and reliability is important.

You also appear to be able to communicate well to be having this discussion.

No relationship is going to be 100% perfect, if it’s 80% I would say stick at it and keep trying.

You may be able to get the intimacy and sex back if you are both committed to making it work.