Partner isn’t supportive - breastfeeding

[Rosalinda5]

I wonder if I could get some fresh insights into this as it’s been mulled over in our home so many times that I don’t even know what to think anymore

My partner and I have 2 kids - we did the whole 2 under 2 and it’s had its challenges and has definitely put a strain on our relationship. When our daughter was born and I started my breastfeeding journey - it all went well. We also introduced a dummy around 3 months as she often had a very hard time falling asleep and a dummy seemed to relax her.

My partner was very against giving her a dummy and would very often make remarks of how it’s my fault that she’s so dependent on it and can’t sleep without it etc. We’ve had that conversation so many times! It was exhausting. He always said that nobody had a dummy in his family and it’s bad for her teeth and it was such a big deal for him.

Fast forward to today - we went on a holiday when she was 2 and lost it, that was the end of it pretty much and she was fine without it (except the flight back, that was a nightmare).

When our youngest was born, I started breastfeeding him too and I also started co sleep with him as it was difficult to calm him when he cried and he would often wake his sister so it just felt easier to sleep together and keep him happy.

It meant that I breastfed A LOT at night and during the day too, and my partner could never really soothe him or put him to sleep as he was very dependant on me.

And because I mainly work during the day and he watches kids, it was often difficult as he couldn’t keep him happy, although I’d still take breaks and feed him etc.

Our boy didn’t like dummies at all he always spat them out. So it was hard to find anything else that would comfort him.

My partner always made remarks that I breastfeed too much and that I should try and ween him soon (when he turned 6 months) and that he’s too dependant on me.

When he turned 1 those remarks turned into eye rolls every time I fed him and telling me ‘no, not again’ every time I was nursing. It started to feel like such a negative experience as he’d always say something as soon as I started nursing, we’d often have arguments about it too. His family would tell me ‘that we just need to have one horrible’ week so that he falls out of the habit of feeding.

We tried but I just can’t let him cry for hours, I’d get very anxious and it just doesn’t feel right for me at all.

Anyway, it got to the point where I started to feel as if I’m not getting any support from him (breastfeeding is hard) and I wish that he’d even acknowledge that I’m doing a great job and the fact that I’m able to breastfeed etc.

I told him that but I don’t think he took it seriously. Anyway it just really upsets me and he’s got such a strong opinion about it.

Funnily enough - my partner was breastfed till he was like 4. Maybe he’s projecting it as his family often jokes about it, so maybe he doesn’t want the same for our son?

Our son is now 16 months and he’s still nursing a lot as he’s teething and he’s often under the weather with colds etc.

We don’t argue about it as much but if there’d be a conversation about it he would definitely blame me about why I don’t sleep enough or why he’s not eating sometimes or why he’s so fussy often etc.

I just want to hear some fresh opinions, is it normal that my partner acts like that towards breastfeeding? Am I overreacting?

When I look back at our relationship I can recognise this behaviour in different areas: he’d get very upset when I was giving treats to our puppy, and blamed me for her weight being 1kg over the average (like we had so many arguments about it).

The dummy situation (it made me cry so many times as he’d just keep saying remarks about it every time she would show any signs of needing a dummy).

Breastfeeding situation

We also very often argue about ‘our dinner and bedtime being too late - 8pm). We’ve had so many disagreements about it as I always try my best to start the evening routine early but sometimes it’s hard with work etc. He’d make so many remarks about it that they SHOULD be in bed already.

I’m definitely noticing a pattern, but what is this personality trait called? Controlling??

I just want to hear some insights, thanks for reading this.

I'm not sure what you would call it but it's definitely not good that he's like this. Being a mother is hard enough and you are supposed to be a team building each other up.
You should also be proud you've managed to breastfeed both babies for this long that in itself is amazing. He shouldn't be tearing you down for that. Raising small children is hard and they don't always go to bed when you want or sleep through the night when you want but they are only young for a short time it will pass and get easier. You're doing a great job.
Hope some one else comes along soon to offer more help.

He doesn't believe in dummies but you used dummies and you're still BFing at 16m so he's clearly not TOO controlling. Your puppy was overweight -- were you maybe giving too many treats? From the description I don't know who's right and who's wrong but it's obviously not ideal. Was BF actively helping soothe the babies rather than just sitting back and telling you what not to do?

I don't know if he's controlling so much as not happy when he doesn't get his way and just not supportive of you and your opinions and choices. It sounds ultimately like a difficulty resolving differences of opinion?

My DH and I had 2 under 2 and we definitely disagree and it's hard to compromise sometimes but we do pretty well. Sometimes I do just tell him that, if he thinks he knows best, he needs to do the bed routine himself then. (I also often struggle to get my two in bed exactly by the designated time where DH works more by the clock.)

Both of you might need to work on respecting his opinion/ making him feel heard/ accepting that he's not making the call in this instance and just realising that you're a team dealing with a tough and stressful situation (not sure on the exact balance of those elements though).

Well he could be a controlling wanker. Or you could be undermining him with everything parenting decision going.

He could be a nasty piece of work reducing you to tears every time you discuss an aspect of parenting. Or you could be bursting into tears as a way of avoiding a sensible discussion.

On the face of it, his preferences over dummies, extended bf, treats for the dog and bed by 8 are perfectly reasonable.

Have a conversation. Properly. Don't cry. And listen to each other. And remember you make decisions based on what is best for your DCs, not what is best for your anxiety.