How to get used to living alone again after toxic relationship?

[chanlol]

I just broke up with my ex-partner of several years. Worst part is I live abroad and will be for a while due to educational constraints- I know I have to tough it out. The relationship was toxic and controlling (all detailed in my prior thread) but I am struggling with the idea of living alone. Perhaps I have also become a bit co-dependent, admittedly.

Obviously I miss the good parts of the relationship, but the really jarring part is being alone. The irony is that whilst we had good times, he was also a very big stressor for me and was starting to change me as a person. I am trying to think of the freedom I have gained, but I have also lost my home, the good parts of my partner and in a way, one of my closest friends. The cognitive dissonance is real.

I'm 27 and this is my first proper break up. We were together from our early 20s.

I'm thinking of getting a proper paper based planner and penciling in some events, trips home, etc. I've already started making new friends. I am trying, but the loneliness also creeps in.

I probably do need to see a therapist, but my rent has just skyrocketed as I've found my own place, and waiting lists are long.

I'm very self aware, but my confidence is a bit shattered post break-up and I've lost myself. I don't know how to be okay with living alone and having so much free time! Although perhaps I should also see that as a blessing.

It's also a cold, harsh winter here. Going outside isn't exactly pleasant, which, as someone who loves the outdoors, makes it that bit harder.

Any advice? Thank you!

Sorry to hear you are going through this - all totally normal to be feeling lonely. It'll be really hard to get used to but then you will flourish and be so glad to have made such a good decision

Be kind to yourself, reach out to friends/family if you feel lonely and eventually you could try to join some groups to go out and meet people? Start a new activity? Group meetups? Online chats?

Self care in the meantime until you process the break-up. Sending you hugs

Well done for leaving.

It sounds like you'd benefit from the Freedom Programme, it teaches you about healthy relationships.

Books on self esteem, you can find workbooks and the Six Pillars of Self Esteem is good.

Trauma based therapy might be beneficial to help you process it. Can you contact your local domestic abuse organisation and find out what's available.

You can practice yoga online. Adrienne does a course for beginners on YouTube.

Can you do a professional development course or an online class?

All the things mentioned above, and then:
Everything you wanted to do but couldn't.

For me it was being able to buy a newspaper, go home to a clean tidy house, sit down with a cup of coffee and read it, in peace. Nobody trying to stop me.
Watch what I wanted on TV, without anyone coming in and immediately changing channel.
Cook and eat what I wanted.
Wear what I wanted.
Talk on the phone to whoever I wanted without someone listening, talking over me, tutting, smirking.

Whatever you want. Freedom is beautiful.

You can do whatever you want.

Meditation can help, gratitude meditation helps you to appreciate the positives in your life.

I'd do some nice treats- cook a nice tea, watch a favourite film or plan some nice outings

Living on your own is great, no snoring, farting man hanging about all the time helping themselves to your food. I never lived with any boyfriends as I couldn't bear the thought of having to share my personal space.
There is a great song by the Soupdragons called 'I'm free to do what I want any old time', listen to it while dancing round the living room.

The thing I appreciate most is never ever having to clean up after anyone, it’s so tedious and a turn off… drudgery is not sexy. Someone cleaning up after me in turn is not a good enough exchange for me, I get so bored quite quickly. It’s hard enough cleaning up after one person. At least when it’s just my own mess I have learned to do it on auto.

I also love having more money in my pocket, going out on dates is expensive! That money is now being spent on me solely for my needs rather than on frivolity.

Not having to hear about someone’s work day or how tired and stressed they are, and not being emotionally dumped on is absolutely brilliant as well. Now I can manage my own good moods without someone trampling on them after my hard work.

Peace and quiet is priceless, I am willing to tolerate a little bit of loneliness now and again for all this calm.

A new relationship would have to be so extraordinary to lure me away from where I am now!