TW childhood abuse and violence - I just can't face any more of my life

[idontknowhowtodreamyourdreams]

I have name changed for this.

I just wanted to get it all out. Am sat in front of my work computer just trying not to cry. I've just had a session with a counsellor which left me wondering why the hell I even bother getting out of bed to try at life each morning.

I think my marriage of 20 years is probably over. DH drinks far too much (I have given up and only now realise how bad his drinking is) and basically is interested in me for sex and very little else, unless it is something that will make his life easier. We have 3 DC, all pre-teen.

I have been trying to deal with some longstanding issues dating back to my own childhood and teenage years, during which my parents were neglectful and I was groomed by an older man and got pg at 14. There was a lot of violence in my childhood and not much parenting, and then when I got into a "relationship" with said older man, there was yet more violence and coercion. I left, I made a life for myself. For years I thought I was OK-ish.

I am just in so much emotional pain now. I have started to trust and open up to the counsellor and it just seems to make it fucking worse, as in some of it comes out over the course of a session and then I am just a wreck for the rest of the week.

I love my kids but I feel so stuck.

I know there is nothing that anyone can say or do to make it better, but I just needed to get it out. It's so relentlessly awful.

Oh, honey. I wish I could give you a hug.
I know first hand how far reaching the consequences of childhood events are, but please trust that things can get better. It’s great that you have a job and that you have access to counselling, you should be proud of yourself for doing both of these things and for being there for your children. I’m sure soon people will be here with advice on how to navigate the separation from your husband as that seems like it would benefit you. You’re stronger than you think, you’ll survive this too and then you and your children will thrive away from that harmful relationship. I wish you all the best xx

Thank you @YourKindPeachMaker .

It just feels so bloody impossible today.

You are strong, and you're a survivor. By talking to a counselor, you made the first step towards a better future.
Hugs from a fellow survivor.