Yesterday was an awful day and i just need to write it down to help me understand. Fantastic Christmas with boyfriend, effort put in on both sides, visited both families and made sure we checked in on each other during Xmas events. Honestly couldn't have asked for better.
Anyway, Yesterday bf woke up and gave me a kiss. This is how we normally start the day but he didn't say good morning babe/beautiful which he usually does. I cuddled him but he's full of cold and was coughing a lot. I was getting a bit annoyed so just asked him to cover his mouth when he coughed as he was coughing straight onto me. He didn't acknowledge that I'd spoken so I rolled away slightly so not to get his germs and asked if he'd heard me. He said he had heard but didn't respond because it wasn't a question, just a statement. If it was me, I would have just said oh yeah sorry, didn't realise. Will next time etc.
Little later and I'm getting dressed, there's some posh biscuits over on his bedside table that we got as a Christmas present and I fancied one. I go round to get the packet and he gets there before me, snatching it away. He asked what I was doing, I said I wanted the biscuits and he withheld them asking why. I was annoyed now so replied saying it doesn't matter why, let me have them. He was pulling them further away until I told him. I gave up and went downstairs without one. He's never acted like that before, it was completely out of character. I Felt it was controlling. I mentioned it later and he had a different view of it, insisting that he wanted to know why I wanted the biscuits but that he was not pulling them further away and with holding them.
I had 30 mins or so on my own so we could get over what just happened. Then went to give him a hug and a kiss. Thought it might help and be an olive branch. He gave me a kiss back but the hug was limp like he didn't want to really touch me. Later we head out for the day. I asked if he wanted a kiss in the car and whether he was ok. He said I'm happy to have a kiss if you want. So I gave him a quick kiss. Drove to the shops for 1hr in silence. He wasn't making conversation and I asked why, he just said he has nothing to talk about and nothing to say. Which isn't like us, I generally talk more but he would normally say even generic stuff like 'sat nav says we'll get there at xx time' or 'I'm stopping at the next services if you want anything.'
He knew we're going to a big shopping centre as it had been planned and had said he was still happy to go. Got there, he was hungry. Found a quick food place and he just moaned about how long the queue was. He spent the first 30 mins moaning about how busy it was. So after not speaking the first things he says are moans. Ruins the tone of the day and creates tension. We sit for a drink, again in silence because I've asked him not to moan and he barely looks at me. I end up crying in the middle of the shopping centre, because I hate how he is today. I'm sad, confused and upset. I told him this isn't normal and how we normally act. He insisted we were fine, he was fine and there was nothing wrong. I said I don't feel warmth, cared for or loved. His response to how can he try to show that was 'yeah I'm taking you shopping that will show you care and love!' I told him that does not show love. For me I like physical touch and being close. He knows this, I'm open about this and we've been together a few years so he knows this. I tell him I need him to hold my hand, give me kisses and hugs, touch my back, my hair etc. He does this normally when out and about. I'm not meaning pda's or full make out sessions just a kiss on the head, quick peck and holding hands. We go round the shops for a few hours and none of this happens. Can't even hold my hand.
Get home and the house is freezing so we head straight to bed. He's moaning it's cold so I joke best way to warm up is to share body heat. Just meaning a hug. I get no response from this. Normally he'd be all over me giving me a hug.
I can't take it anymore and ask my he hasn't been talkative or touchy feely all day. He said he wasnt feeling it. I said thats fair enough but then why did you not say when I specifically told you what I need from you to make me feel cared for and loved. You should have told me then because I've been open and honest and still not got what I need from you. I asked why he said he was happy to give me a kiss in the car at the start of the day if he wasn't feeling it and he said ,'I was still happy to give you a kiss if you wanted one. I just wasn't feeling it, I've not been feeling it today.' This confuses me. How can you be happy to do something which is physical and intimate (on the lower end of the scale) if you don't feel it/not feeling it.
This is an issue for me, that he feels this way and hasn't mentioned it. He says I don't need to know. I asked him what has made him feel like this and he says nothing. He still maintains the fact that he's fine/acting normally and we're fine as a couple.
He said, sometimes people need space and I'm not feeling it today. He spends most nights at mine as we are slowly progressing into moving in together. But he still has his house with everything like bed, tv, heating etc so why did he choose not to go to his tonight if that's how he feels. It confuses me and as a result I ask lots of questions to try to understand and gain clarification. But then he says its the Spanish inquisition as I ask too many questions.
Now an update before I post this. He Wakes up this morning as if nothing ever happened and was acting fine. I said what was yesterday all about, it upset me. He said sorry you felt that way. To me he should be apologising for his actions not how I feel. But he didn't think he did anything wrong. I then explained everything he did that made me feel like that and he still said nothing. He didn't look like he cared and it was only when I mentioned accountability and that he said I'm sorry for my actions/words. He didn't feel like he needed to take accountability or apologise because he didn't do anything wrong in his eyes. I had to prompt him so it wasn't a genuine sorry.
I don't know why I'm posting really, just a vent.