I lost my older brother to suicide a couple of years ago, my other brother a couple of years before that and my best friend, and dearest ex-colleague, is slowly dying of metastasised pancreatic cancer. She is 58 and has always been like an older sister to me - the one person in my life who has been on my side, defended me in my absence, given me guidance and the one person who I can truly trust. She doesn’t deserve this. There is nothing I can do but support and see her through this hideous journey of palliative chemotherapy that will only give her a short extension to her remaining days on this earth.
I have no parents. Both died years ago. I came from a broken home and my mother raised me with little money but gave me the drive to be something and to go somewhere with my life.
Menopause hit me at 45. It affected my life, my career, my marriage and my relationships with others. I have not recovered.
My current job is across the other side of the country and I have to travel in darkness through isolated lands and mountains. I have to pay for hotels or sleep in the car, so it isn’t ideal . It is not what I wanted, part of the job isn’t , and my new manager is a bully. It was a stupid decision.
I’m constantly making wrong decisions, constantly changing jobs these days, and taking my life in the wrong direction. I am educated and in a senior role in my field. I still can’t make decisions that are the right ones. The right ones for me.
My 23 year marriage ended because I hit menopause in a dramatic way and received no help, from anyone. It changed me, dramatically, and opened up my mind to something else and made me realise I’d been missing something in my life for years - love, passion and affection. I looked for it in the wrong place, even though I wasn’t really looking (but, deep down, I probably was) and wasn’t sure of my impending change of destiny at that moment. Life can change in a second. It did.
Someone came into my life, online, who befriended me, won my trust and adoration but who used me and played with me like a toy, only to discard of me, and pick me back up again, when they felt like it. At the very least, I regarded this man as a friend but know it was more than that, deep down.
My house is for sale and I don’t know where I’ll end up. I don’t want to stay here. In this town. This county. This region. My children both now live with their father (because they feel sorry
for him as it was I who ended the long, sexless, loveless marriage) and I spend most of my days, and nights, alone. Lonely. My daughter hardly speaks to me. When she does, it’s to request money for something. People ignore me. Constantly. I am only of use when people want something. Someone once described me as a people pleaser. Maybe that’s a loose term for someone who is easily taken advantage of and used.
I am one of the nicest humans to have ever walked this earth and have worked hard to achieve what I have, or had. My efforts go unrewarded.
I can’t change my mind, nor my thoughts. I know where I want to be but can’t get there through lack of trust in others. People use me.
So, no, I am not alright. I have lost my trust in other humans and in myself. I take myself off, on long weekends away or for wanders in the hills, to escape from this existence. It helps, but isn’t a long term solution.
I hope, for the one who gained my trust and adoration (even my heart), it was worth it and that they haven’t lost anything.
I’m just not good enough and not worth it. To anyone.
This journey is not how I’d planned, nor how I expected it to be.
Just had to get this out.