How do deal with narcissistic ex husband when he behaves like this with child?

[Fortheloveofaboy]

Hi, I’ve got a narcissistic ex. Little bit of a background he was found guilty in court and didn’t see our child for many years. Contact re-started slowly and it’s now EOW. He’s still a massive twat.

What he seems to do is find out from our child what we do as a family and then takes this over. So we go camping so now he goes camping. But it’s not just normal camping it’s the best most special most expensive camping he can do. He will tell our child that it’s much more special than what mum does. This will be about anything. Hot chocolate, it’s not just any hot chocolate it’s daddy’s most special most amazing hot chocolate. Child comes home and talks like this. Daddies got this and it’s much better, much more expensive etc. I couldn’t care less about the value. He always out earned and wanted to best of everything. As he worded it “only the best for us as we are special”. He is obviously very insecure deep down.

Is this just something I ignore? I hate the fact that our daughter is starting to repeat what he says.

What a horrible person he sounds like.

I would be tempted to say in your shoes a few things like “You must be happy that Dad / Daddy likes hot chocolate too, just like we do.” Or other things that show this isn’t a competition in your mind, and that maybe start balls rolling in hers that he is copying you. Leaving aside the one up man ship, which I think it’s better to rise above.

And ultimately if she asks at any point why you can’t do XYZ (ie. he can), that she wants you to do too, explain that you now need to think carefully about how you spend your money and what on. If she asks follow-up questions, then you can answer those clearly, too.

Ultimately she will remember how you made her feel, not how much you spent on hot chocolate. And if you start showing her that his nasty games get to you, she might (guilelessly) report it back to her dad. Which outcome is probably what he is aiming for!

@NeedsMustNet Im not even sure it’s really about me anymore. I think it’s about him showing the whole world. It was awful in the end in the marriage. We had deaths and there was grief and I wasn’t interested in looking good, it always felt so fake. It was at this point when he tried to get me to “get over it” I realised what he was really like. He won’t be there when there is any struggle. Unfortunately I don’t think he sees people at all really. I hope to god that she doesn’t absorb too much of him. She already says she has to supper behaved there because daddy says she is so special when she is with him she has to act it also.

Your EX only cares for show, he expects your DD to be perfect to make him look good. One day she'll see him for who he is Op, if she doesn't do as you wants he'll turn on her. Your job is to teach her better values, that material things aren't everything.

I think you need to take seriously that your ex is going to harm your shared child by incorporating her into his narcissistic world view and trying to make her into his little mini me and source of narcissistic supply. I don’t know what you should do but I would read widely on the topic of narcissistic parents—everything you can get your hands on as well as memoirs. Because you need to think of ways to bomb proof her emotionally, to ground her in reality, otherwise she will be very damaged by him.

Am sorry. You’ve been through a lot.

It’s very telling that your daughter sees through her father’s Disney Daddy act, recognises it’s not real or that it’s a Hologram of something else and finds the performative nature of it stifling because she sees it requires her to act more grateful, more happy .. and therefore she has to impersonate the child he wants her to be.

She is obviously doing OK - thanks to you! - if she can verbalise it so simply and without worrying what you think about it first. So whatever you are doing already is working.

This is my biggest fear, it keeps me awake at night. I tried so hard to keep him away but courts don’t care.

I know a dad who behaves very similarly to the one you describe. Grandiose narcissist with extreme control in mind.

The mum (my friend) in that marriage then had therapy sessions, after their marriage broke down, with a therapist who specialises in narcissism / narcissists. It took her a while to piece together what her marriage had been about and she didn’t want to fall for the love bombing, emotional manipulation etc etc. in a future relationship. And also that manipulation - as in your case - continued after the marriage was over, when her ex tried to do it through the kids now he couldn’t it directly. Am sure there are books that could do a similar job more cheaply but if you can talk it through with a therapist, would be a good idea.

She does see through it but then again she is a child and she loves all the stuff he buys her. He buys things that are way over her age range, anything she wants. But then she recognises he lays on the couch and his gf parents her most of the time. I hope I am enough. These people are horrible and poisonous.

Do you find that when she comes back home she will have meltdowns with you / behave in an uncharacteristic / regressing way, because she has been having to monitor her behaviour and play to his fake standards while at your ex’s house?

And do you have a new partner?

It’s really ugly, the damage that people with such little imagination / ability to put themselves in a child’s shoes can inflict. I hope the girlfriend is a better role model than your ex.

Yes she absolutely looses it. If I ask her to do something or a teacher does she gets very angry.

The gf is what I can tell lovely and takes care of her. But she is part of the world and is promoting this behaviour unfortunately. Even I know that I was enabling him when we were together for fear etc.

I have been navigating the very same challenging co-parenting dynamic, especially with ex’s need to frame everything as "better" or "special." Narcissistic tendencies can make co-parenting particularly difficult because of the focus on comparison and one-upmanship. Here are some thoughts and strategies to consider:

1. Validate Your Child’s Experiences Without Competing

When your child says things like, “Daddy’s hot chocolate is better,” resist the urge to argue or diminish her experience. Instead, try something neutral like: “I’m glad you enjoyed that with Daddy! We have our own special hot chocolate here too.” This shifts the focus from comparison to valuing both experiences.

1. Model Confidence in Your Family’s Choices

You don’t need to match or compete with your ex’s activities. Your child will remember the quality of time spent with you, not the price tag. Highlight what makes your family time unique and meaningful: “Camping with us is always an adventure because we make great memories together.”

1. Help Your Child Develop a Balanced Perspective

Encourage your child to express what they enjoy without feeding into the narrative of “better” or “worse.” Ask open-ended questions like, “What was your favourite part about camping with Daddy?” or “What do you like most about our camping trips?” This helps her focus on her feelings rather than the comparisons her dad is making.

1. Address the Narcissistic Dynamics with Caution

Your ex’s behaviour may stem from insecurity, but engaging in the same behaviour (e.g., trying to “outdo” him) could reinforce the unhealthy dynamic. Instead, focus on teaching your child that love and value aren’t tied to material things or grand gestures.

1. Teach Critical Thinking Gradually

As your child gets older, you can gently guide her to recognise manipulative or exaggerated statements without directly criticising her father. For instance, “It’s great that Daddy makes things feel special. Sometimes people like to add a little extra excitement when they talk about what they’ve done.”

1. Protect Your Peace

Your ex may be seeking a reaction from you. By staying calm and not engaging in comparisons, you deny him that power. Vent your frustrations in safe spaces, like with trusted friends or a counsellor or on here!, rather than letting them affect your interactions with your child.

In mediation I tried raise the issue that the children were at times becoming distressed by the comparisons, if anything it made the situation worse and he doubled down on undermining our home life and experiences together.

Hard though it is, I advise that this is a behaviour you can largely ignore, focusing instead on building your child’s confidence and teaching her to value meaningful connections over material comparisons. Over time, your consistency and love will make a lasting impression, far outweighing the “best” or “most special” claims.

Thank you, that’s all really good advice, I’ve taken some screenshots! Oh the urge to join in in so so difficult. But I have lately started to realise that the special things in everything are us. My unique way I see things and in the things we do. This is what gets lost when you are in competition. It looks good but it lacks emotion and uniqueness. I won’t lie in the beginning it was really getting me down because she would come home trashing what we have because daddies is better (but I know it’s his voice and not hers). Even down to the things that make me unique he is taking over. Mummy is an artist so now they are artists. They are weird in this sense, they become anything they can to gain supply.

My ex behaved like this after he left me. I'm wary of labelling him (grew up with a genuine narcissist as a parent) but he definitely has a lot of narcissistic tendencies. My children are older now, but it was really tough while they were young.

I went with saying how fun/lovely everything my kids told me sounded, and acted like I was just so happy that they were having such a great time with their Dad.

Honestly, I did feel awful for a while that he was able to give them all of these luxuries and exciting things when I couldn't possibly afford them (he's much more well off than I am)...but eventually realised it was all for show, motivated by an imagined competition with me, and caused by his own insecurity.

I was worried about the effect his behaviour would have on them but, as I couldn't do anything about that, just made sure I was consistent with the day to day things - helping them with homework, making sure they have good food cooked for them, taking an interest in their ever-changing passions, even just sitting down and watching a movie together. It became clear over time that the mundane stuff - the stuff people don't brag about or put on social media - isn't a priority for him. He does things for appearances, but doesn't consistently provide what they actually need.

As they got older he stopped making the effort to be fun, or to show much interest in who they were becoming as people. With him being so reluctant to spend on anything that won't make him look good, they come to me when they need a 'boring' necessity. They trust me to take care of them, we have a good relationship, and they're doing just fine.

My advice would be to try not to worry about it - keep being the lovely mum that you are, and let him 'win' his pointless competition, which you aren't a part of and don't care about (even if you have to fake it until you make it with that attitude). You sound like a great mum, and you'll be able to provide the love, safety and stability she needs. It can be harder to cope with when they're young and more easily influenced by materialistic things, but it gets easier over time.

Also, just in case it helps you, there are some really useful books and online resources about parallel parenting. I attempted co-parenting with my ex for a long time and couldn't figure out what the hell was going wrong, wish I'd heard about this sooner!

I don’t know how this would work on an individual level, because I obviously don’t know you or your ex.

it is sometimes possible to gently but firmly pull the performative rug out from under them, if you can work out how to drop the ball in each instance. It isn’t going to stop him, but might defend against some of the emotional damage he’s doing

so in your examples if your daughter reports he’s getting into art,… that’s lovely dear, you can do it here AND there, his narrative of having ‘better‘ tools get reframed to her as experimenting with ‘different‘ Tools. (I’d maybe do some junk modelling and recycling to demonstrate there’s also intrinsic value at the polar opposite of his approach and both have equal worth as art)

likewise camping, how wonderful, she gets to experience different ways of doing it. You can maybe talk about stuff like wild camping there’s an ace YouTuber who does Videos on wild camping within a few miles of her home in the south of England with a budget tarp and no gear, then look at the Outdoor Boys channel where the chap ( who was a successful lawyer in Virginia and is loaded) buys a huge chunk of land in Alaska, and builds a log cabin by way of roughing it

he thinks he’s competing, but you can’t boast you’re just beaten someone at chess if they are actually ignoring you and playing Pingpong. And — to stretch the analogy to breaking - your daughter gets to experience both chess and Pingpong. ( it’s pingpong not chess that’s the Olympic sport.. the worthiness of each activity is only in the eye of the beholder)

And yeah, what @cogsturning said.

what’s the old chestnut about the memories we make. My kid doesn’t rate the ££££ holiday to see Santa. what she talks about is the time we had a snowball throwing competition in the garden on a school snow day.

if you are doing the hard yards of childcare (bet he’s not taking a day off at the drop of a hat if school is closed for the day) then YOU are going to get all those moments. Money is only going to get him a hollow reflection of that. You can’t buy it. At any price.