Worried out my mind!

[Englishmuminnewyork]

My son was part of a large group, everyone was always at ours. Happy, doing well at school age 14 and BOOM he’s been dropped by the friendship group. They slowly started dropping him from chats, then not inviting him. His mental health has really suffered, started trying to refuse school, big melt downs nightly. Begging to let him stay home. He was such a social lad. I suspect he’s annoyed one of the more let’s say alpha boys and slowly they have worked on the rest of the group to exclude him.
I was so worried a few months again I reached out to several mums and I think I’ve probably made it worse. But when you see your child hurting so bad, saying what’s the point in life what do you do? Anything and everything you can. We now just don’t know what to do. Am I going to make it worse making him go to school. What are my next steps as speaking to school won’t change a thing.

I’m so sorry, your poor boy and I can 100% imagine how upset you must be feeling about it too. Have you considered changing schools?

I would seriously consider changing school to give him a fresh start.

Move him. Doesn't sound good if there's no parochial care there. It's a tender age. I hope he's ok.

Changing school alone might not help. He might be so down in the new school he won't fit in either. I think you need to get him a counsellor first, either through school, GP or private. Also please look up Zero Suicide Alliance website. It's a tender age and suicide is the leading cause of death in this age group. Zero Suicide Alliance believes suicides could be prevented and they have a lot of resources of what to look out for and which questions to ask. They have resources for all age groups

Encourage him to make new friends. Friendships can be such intense yet fleeting things at that age.

This happened to me aged 14. No easy solution. In the end it was a toxic friendship group controlled by an alpha girl who turned against me and everyone followed suit. No one would speak to me.

I did change school. It helped to a certain extent. I suffered from some problems being bullied in that school too but overall it was good to have a fresh start. It's the worst age, in my experience, and things had turned around mostly by 16 - sixth form was a revelation as most bullies had left.

I really feel for you. My parents spoke to the school and there were talks about bullying but nothing changed. I understand schools are a lot better about this issue now though.

This happened to one of mine too at 15 and it was horrible for her, she literally had no friends at all.
She stayed at her school and just managed to get her head down & study for her GCSEs. I look back & can't believe she got through it. She did go to a couple of music events that her ex friends wouldn't have gone to but other than that she only did things at weekends with me or her sister when she was around

We made the decision she would move for 6th form & that kept her going. The upshot was she got good GCSEs because she had so much time to study so was able to get into a good sixth form a bit further away. She now has a new set of friends & is happy.

It's not easy & there were many tears along the way but I just kept reassuring her that she could move on from this & her life would change, she would meet new people etc.
Good luck. Kids can be very cruel at this age and the fact they are all so connected with social media means something small can become huge & be spread so quickly amongst them all.
I hope your son is able to move past this. I feel my daughter is a stronger person now, stronger mentally than her older sister even, because she weathered that storm.

I just wanted to say that I really feel for you and for your son. It is so so cruel and I’m not surprised you reached out to other parents. This almost started to happen with my daughter with a friendship group and I did interfere thankfully I was dealing with another parent who was really, sympathetic and put her foot down with her daughter who was not being nice. I have noticed as I work in education that schools are really bad at dealing with this kind of thing. They often gaslight the parents and the children and don’t seem to be able to sort it out effectively. I’m sorry to say that’s been my experience observing at schoolS.
Your poor son. He didn’t deserve this and no wonder he feels awful. People can be massively cruel and being excluded from a group is such a horrible feeling.
I agree with the advice to move him if you can. It’s going to be hard and he will need support with counselling as well if he will do it. Another thing is if you could find something outside of school that he enjoys where he can make social connections so that he’s not completely dependent on School for. That will take the pressure off a bit when he moves as well.
Sending you support through the ether.xxxx

I’m sorry your son is going through this. I know you think School won’t help but have you spoken to form tutor or one of his subject teachers who he likes? School should be getting involved in this. They are meant to provide pastoral care.

Failing that, you could move him if you think he would adapt ok to another school. One of my DS’s friends moved school at this age because he was being bullied and it worked out for the best, but he did know lots of kids at the new school (my DS included).

As someone who moved schools a couple of times between 11 and 13 I would say that it's not just a case of moving and having access to a whole new friendship group. Changing schools comes with its own difficulties, especially for kids who aren't as outgoing.

Change schools. Look into moving areas if you can. Not easy but definitely the best option.

Something similar happened to my 15 yr old DS last summer. He was essentially kicked out of a long established friendship group.

I won't lie to you it was pretty brutal especially as he was out all the time at weekends and suddenly has noone to hang around with.

I did try to intervene as I was friends with his best friend's mum but despite our best efforts it didn't fix things.

My DS has made the best of the situation and hangs out with new friends but it's been very hard to break into established friendship groups.

He leaves school this summer to go to college and I can't wait. It's been tough but has taught him some lessons about friendships and some resilience.

I will also add OP that my DS didn't want to move schools especially as he is so near taking his GCSEs but if he is really unhappy I'd look at moving him.

There is a common misconception that boys friendship groups are easier but not from what my friends and I have experienced. They can be just as brutal and nasty as girls.

I don't understand why children do this - it's awful.

I've been thinking about this thread on and off. How are things @Englishmuminnewyork ?