How do I leave?

[BiscuitSelection]

Ok I am ready to leave my DH but how?
Been married 15 years, 2 dc at home.
Have been on here for years, posted for advice and read hundreds of other posts and come to the realisation that although there has never been any physical abuse, it's been years of low level controlling and threatening behaviour, verbal abuse and sexual coercion.

For the last few Christmases he has ruined with his sulking and shouting, I told myself that it was the last that I would tolerate, but I have never been able to see it through. I have told him several times I don't want to be in this relationship, he agreed that things need to change which lasts for a few days then the cycle starts again.

Now he wants to go to relationship counselling (I’m fairly certain he truly believes they will tell me his anger is all my fault for making him feel unwanted, for not meeting his ‘needs’ sexually)
I’ve agreed to this on the basis he organises it, which will never happen.

He’s currently in denial that there is any issue and is making me feel guilty by saying we have a great relationship 99% of the time and I’m throwing it all away, the kids will be impacted, I will never be able to afford the life he can give me, etc, etc
He’s deluded, it’s completely shit but now he is on best behaviour it’s getting into my head and making me think it’s easier just to stay, things might get better.

I need practical advice please?
I know I can contact women’s aid for advice but what do you even say to them?! I feel such an idiot for putting up with it so long. (Please no harsh words, I know kids are impacted even if they don’t directly witness abuse but everything feels impossible right now)
The house is joint mortgage and I could just about cover it but I dont think he will ever leave voluntarily, in the past he says he will be reasonable then flips out and starts accusing me of cheating and being after his money (he earns significantly more) and says he will make sure I am left with nothing.

Theres nowhere else I can go and stay, do I need to try and rent somewhere? How do I even do that? I have a full time job, but it will barely cover rent locally plus expenses of a family.
I’ve seen people getting legal advice.. how? How do you find a solicitor or know which one to pick?
I feel more determined than ever, but also totally stuck. I know I need to keep this momentum and start to make a better life for me and the kids but I feel a bit useless and it all feels so overwhelming I don’t know where to start.

Hi op
I'm new to this too.
I tried to separate last year, he wouldn't go.
Now I'm sure I need out.
Years of coercive control has near enough destroyed me and my confidence but I'm sticking with it.
So I've: 1) got a new phone SIM, 2) made sure I'm not longer on the home WiFi/signed into anything 3) I called CAB (not so helpful for me, but I tried at least 4) rang a solicitor 5) rang women's aid 6) got my and dc docs together and rented a storage locker and moved emergency bits in there just in case and I'm squirreling away pennies (literally) and I'm trying to build up my contacts
He's controlled my ability to make and keep friends so I'm very much isolated (was it his end game?? I have no idea anymore)

I'm barely eating, barely sleeping and I spend a huge amount of time on the phone trying to get these bloody ducks into some sort of row

You could read "should I stay or should I go" by Lundy Bancroft.
Also change your pin on your phone, your password on your email and sign out of all devices.
Your H is probably not -hopefully- not going to ramp things up when you try to leave, but just in case, protect your ability to make plans and gather info.

Start with the solicitors. And keep all your bank statements, bills, deeds, ID docs in a file and pop it away somewhere where only you can find it. If you are lucky enough to have a community, friends or family then use them! I don't and I'm scared as crap but don't let him love bomb or swear to commit to therapy or anything else. File that under B for bullshit and keep plodding on with the grind of gathering your duckies. (Yes I did just call them duckies. It cheers me up)

Good luck x

Hello I'm so sorry. Ok so I know it's really hard but you have to start getting mean now. Play along with him act completely normal do not let on that your leaving things will only get worse but see what women's aid advise. Speak to women's aid tell them exactly what your saying here. He sounds narcissistic, now I know that word is thrown at so much now but he does. Get to a solicitor just ask women's aid to recommend one or I can recommend Vardags but they are north England and not sure if they do legal aid Google family solicitors, do this all while making him believe your going on as normal. Get a police report done women's aid will help you. You should be entitled to legal aid, domestic abuse survivors can get legal aid to pay their legal fees. Once solicitor starts the process of making an application perhaps for you and the children to remain in the property and he cannot enter due to the fear DV maybe not physical but mental and coercive control ( you need a court order) and until the children complete education you remain in the home / start divorce .. but he will know once divorce starts as he will get served so you need to check with a family solicitor the correct process. Once you have a court order for the house have a locksmith come change the locks get him blocked on all social media and email phone everything, before doing that blocking, tell him he needs to contact you only via your solicitor in future and if he wants contact with kids it will need to be arranged via your family he won't be allowed to enter the property. I know that it's so hard to let go after all those years but if your happier and you will be, your children will be also. Have you ever told anyone/ reported anything? This is where people like yourself often struggle but please do speak to women's aid asap. I work in law but not family if you need to chat my inbox is open and I've been through a messy divorce after 20 years together. You can do it and come out much stronger it's going to be really hard I won't lie but it will be worth it x ps your solicitor will advise what you need to do another reason to keep sweet is that you need his bank statements tax returns anything you have that shows his income you may be entitled to spousal maintenance and certainly child maintenance so he can't stop you then can he! Get clever and play hard ball but he careful. What is his job? If he's self employed it's more difficult and exactly why you need tax returns.

All of these questions you have is exactly why you need to contact women’s aid. They will help you make an exit plan, they can tell you which lawyers other clients have had good outcomes with, they can help with housing and applying for financial help if you need to. They can also support you because they have a huge amount of experience. They know what abusive relationships are like and they understand what’s been happening, what you’ve been going through and the kind of challenges you’ve faced. They will not judge you, they will support you. Please contact them and just say exactly what you’ve said here. They will support you to leave this abusive relationship.

You can find a solicitor here. You need a family law solicitor. Gather all financial information such as wages, investments, pensions, mortgage etc

Citizens Advice website and Wikivorce have lots of information on divorce.

Gingerbread has a good helpline on anything to do with being a single parent including benefits.

If I have read this correctly, he would fight argue and bend over backwards to be difficult and do his utmost to deny you any penny you would be entitled to.

So start with that warning. You are on your own and he will not do the decent thing or be reasonable.
Look up what you would get from CMS then delete search history.
Look up Entitled2 and see if you could get Universal Credit help. Delete search history.
Look up say, Rightmove, two bed rentals, flats are cheaper than houses and cheaper again further out from town centres. Look at what you can afford not what you want. This isn't your forever home. Delete search history.
If you get emails, turn off notifications. He will notice the increase in time you spend on phone or pc.
Better again if you can do all of this outside of the home. You will give off a vibe at home. Since he is on forwarned best behaviour he will be hyper alert to any change in your routine or demeanour.

Every single thing your dc possess will now be split between 2 places.
On a practical level, bin all outgrown clothes, books and toys. Call it a Spring Clean.

Every time you go to supermarket buy something small. 4 basic mugs. Basic cutlery. Bed sheets. Gift card. Pay cash. Remember how he is going to fight you on everything? Drop that rope. Don't wade through glue arguing about who should have the iron or kettle. Start a New Home Hoard. Stash it at a friends or parents. Switch off GPS for these trips.

I took a deep breath and asked my db for a loan for rental, never asked for a shilling before, he was happy to help with a loan. Perhaps you have a parent or aunt you could approach.
Consider if you could have an overdraft or loan or take out a credit card. Starting out fresh with debt will be difficult but staying would be hard too.
I qualified for Legal Aid. Look to see if you would too.
Ask yourself if a Divorce or seperating is the most urgent thing. Maybe divorce later.

When you do start looking for a solicitor you will need proof of ID, marriage certificate and I suggest a rough timeline(year met, birth dc, marriage, rough broad sweep of finances) written down. Easy to get flustered in the moment. Other mn users will have more up to date and current information.

Any time you have a wobble, think about the next Christmas free of him.
All the best x

Thank you so much.
Lots to think about here and some great advice to get started. Will start doing some research and getting things together.